West Footscray Station (Re-draft)

[psycosynthesis]

A girl sits at
West Footscray station
Next to her a junkie fidgets
and smokes her nervous
laugh responds to
non-stop meth twang as he talks of New South Wales
and snorkeling
and bronze whaler sharks
and her uncomfortable feet
shift and twitch and tap
the asphalt.

He talks
of how jumping from piers
into waters where
sharks have been known to swim.
He says it's a rush
“like cocaine, ya know?”

He certainly doesn’t
seem to be dressed for jumping
off piers.

Cheap nylon pants
and jacket
and a cigarette
that would hiss
out with the plunge
towards the natural rush
and the sharks.

Spiral like cigarette smoke
carving their way
past bricks and butts
past decade old graffiti
past a chain link fence
past the old lady who
pushes a cart and
searches through bins
for cans and picks up litter.

Past the V-Line tracks
and its driver’s calculated
precise attacks
sound waking my
watch.

 

[bagochina]

I like it

 

[TheDeceased]

I really like this. Though there are a couple of lines that detract, I think. Then again maybe it's in the way you read it. I just read it aloud to someone and they agreed that there were a couple of points that needed tweaking... but the rules of this forum are pretty clear, so:

Do you want any feedback/ critisisms?

 

[psycosynthesis]

^Hell yes, get out that virtual red pen by all means!

 

[TheDeceased]

Okay. The only thing I'd change with the first stanza is moving the word 'at' to the beginning of the second line. When read it sounds strange to have a break after a preposition. I get the impression maybe you did this so that the second line is also the title of the piece, but I don't think that really matters.

Second stanza, I'd get rid of the word 'how' - it's gramatticaly incorrect - and move the word 'where' to the beginning of the fourth line - for the similar reasons as before.

Third stanza, I'd move 'for jumping' to the beginning of the third line.

The fourth stanza is perfect.

past the old lady who
pushes a cart and
searches through bins
for cans and picks up litter.

This is the only section that needs serious reworking. There's too much focus on the old lady. The pace of the rest of it is very quick, full of rapidly changing imagery. And then you give four lines to an old lady who isn't particularly interesting or relevant. I would cut it down to two lines. So that it becomes either:

past the old lady who
pushes a cart

or

past the old lady who
searches through bins

I prefer the fisrt one as the second is too specific or something. I don't know. At the very least the last line 'for cans and picks up litter' needs to change.

Lastly, I think the final two lines 'sound waking my watch' could do with a little tweak as the ending is a little jarring/ abrupt. But then again, maybe that's what you were going for.

:D

I don't mean to be overly critical. I do really like this and see a lot of promise in it, which is why I took the time to go through it. The lines that work (which is most of it), work really well.

 

[psycosynthesis]

Thanks for the suggestions! Will definitely neaten up the first few bits that you mentioned.

The focus on the old lady is deliberate because I feel its one of the redeeming images of the piece, the rest of which is focused on a particularly dirty, seedy station. Seeing her pick up rubbish is heart-warming to be honest, if a little sentimental/corny. I did have trouble getting that stanza out though, which means it does need some work.

The jarring (like a loud train whistle) is intentional.

I have no worries with criticism, the more the merrier. Thanks so much for your reading and suggestions

 

[footscrazy]

I really like this. I think it captures the place well.

 

[Mehm]

good read. I especially like this bit, it's funny

He certainly doesn’t
seem to be dressed for jumping
off piers.

I would say the stanza formation seems choppy at times, but maybe that's what you're going for. TheDeceased makes some good suggestions.

 

[DamagedLemon]

Lovely.

Love these bits:

He says it's a rush
“like cocaine, ya know?”

Cheap nylon pants
and jacket
and a cigarette
that would hiss
out with the plunge
towards the natural rush
and the sharks.

Spiral like cigarette smoke
carving their way
past bricks and butts
past decade old graffiti
past a chain link fence
past the old lady who
pushes a cart and
searches through bins
for cans and picks up litter.

Which is basically most of it! Keep writing please