I guess I was BAD in a lot of ways. More so at primary school than at secondary school overall though. I had been diagnosed with ADHD and my mum was offered the choice of putting me on Ritalin, she didn't... which I am sort of glad for to this day. At primary school I thought I was friends with everyone, when really most people just put up with me, because they had known me since we started in reception and I wasn’t mean to them. I did have some good friends though, who found everything I did hilarious. I got banned from any future reoccurrences of my best friend’s birthday party. He said to me the next day at school, almost in tears “My mummy says you aren’t allowed to come to any more of my birthday parties.” I remember asking “Why?” and him responding with “she thinks you are too naughty”. I can’t remember what I said to that, but It must have hurt.
It’s true though, I was too naughty. My mum had to come in and see my teacher every day after school for a report on my progress during the day; I’m not sure how long this went on for in years 3&4 but I had calmed down a bit by years 5&6. I do remember one time walking with her from one of said meetings and another kid in the playground said to their mum whist pointing at me, in earshot of my mum and me, “That’s the bad child”. My mum broke down in tears in the car on the way home
I was always hyperactive, causing trouble, attention seeking etc. it was all about me and what I was doing, all the time, at least I thought it was. I remember being sent out of lessons time and time again and having to write "I must behave" loads of times on an a4 sheet of paper, I actually have more of a memory of this in years 3&5 than any other memories of actually learning anything in a lesson, just to illustrate how often I must have been sent out, to do lines. I wasn't a bad child, just highly disruptive for the teachers and the other children. I never hurt anyone or bullied anyone and I wasn't bullied either but neither was anyone else really as, far as I remember. It was a quiet little village school, very sheltered.
I soon grew out of it quickly at secondary school, when I realised on day one of year 7 (before lunch time ended even!) there were a load of potential hard asses bigger and stronger than me, (which wasn’t a stretch of the imagination, I was never and never have been a 'hard ass') and I was now a small fish in a big pond. I quickly learned to change my behaviour for whatever reasons. Having no one who grew up with me in primary school in my form, meant no one there knew my sense of humour so to speak. I was nervous, scared and alone. I did start acting up a bit before long, and didn't get much of a response. I assumed for whatever reason that what had won me friends in the past wasn't going to work here. I was totally immature compared to a lot of my new class mates. Within an hour of meeting people in my form I said "I'm hard, I could have anyone." To which one kid in my form said "You think you could have Jamal?" "I could have Jamal, Jamal’s a prick!" I spat back at him (One of the worst words I had ever used at the time.) with a smug look on my face.
I walked out of class and towards to canteen for lunch. Thinking nothing of what I had said or why I had even said it, and not expecting to be confronted with the guy at any point in time let alone during the first lunch break, this huge (as in tall, and muscly) black guy (who was in year 7!) with a deep (as in his voice had broken and mine hadn’t) voice and a menacing afro hairstyle squares up to me and says "He said you said you could have me" whilst pointing at a guy who was hiding (badly) round the corner of a wall. It was the fellow I had been chatting casually with about how hard I was, in class earlier that day. "He said you called me a prick" be bellowed out, more angrily now. 'That bloody tattle-tail!' I thought to myself, but if I hadn't been to such a sheltered village primary school, I would have expressed my internal dialogue of disbelief more along the lines of, 'you fucking squealing cunt-rat!' I am sure!
However I said neither of these two things. I acted; very convincingly I might add and said “I don’t know you, why would I call you a prick? He is just trying to get me beaten up.” Luckily all I got was a strong few words back along the lines of “If I hear you been sayin shit bout me again, I will knock you square out!” and he walked off…and I avoided my first ever beating! Imagine the horror my mum would have felt getting a phone call to come and collect me early with a black eye, on the first day of secondary school!
I learned three lessons that day, one: I am not hard, in the slightest, and certainly not ‘top dog’ in this new, bigger school so don’t ever suggest you are, ever again! Two: be careful what you say to which people, because you could easily be fucked over at any opportunity they get, and Three: Black people are scary fuckers! (Note: I later revised that to, some black people are scary fuckers, after I met others… but there weren’t any black kids in my primary school. And I was generally shocked at how Man-like this Jamal character sounded, looked and acted.
And as a side note, I remember seeing him shower unashamedly after rugby later that week, unlike everyone else, myself included, he made no attempt to hide his (massive) schlong, and full rug of dense black pubes! But rather faced everyone, while singing loudly! Almost displaying his dominance over the rest of us! ‘Bloody hell’ I thought, in the split second I saw it (enough time to register what I had seen, before I realised I had to look away quicker than I might have otherwise, else risk being accused of being a gay and earning a potential nickname like ‘faggot, or gay-boy’ you know the kind of nickname that sticks forever). I later found out he had been kept back a year at primary school, and was one of the oldest kids in his year anyways but still! Scary fucker he was who put my lack of manly man bits and attitude to shame (I was one of the youngest in my year too which didn’t help.)
But I wasn’t in any fights after that, almost once or twice, but managed to wriggle my way out of them, I used my words! I mostly got on with people but only had a small group of friends, and I use the term loosely (4 rejects together!) I was made fun of cus I was a bit fat as well. I still got in trouble for not doing my work, and winding up certain teachers, some of them to the point of sheer desperation, driving a couple to tears I wasn’t the worst by any means. Looking back I regret making a couple of their lessons total hell for them. But this misbehaving like in primary school won me some acceptance from my peers.
From half way through year 9 onwards I was almost fully accepted by everyone…a winning combination of extreme dieting, (losing about 3 stone, too fast to be considered healthy weight loss I reckon, but i was finally a healthy weight, which I maintained.) and misbehaving/making people laugh. And I soon went on to meet my mates who I am still best mates with today, whilst ditching 2 of the other 3 of my previous group (who weren’t considered cool enough to hang out with the rest of us!) That was fine with me, as I never really liked them anyway, lol. They were more so my other mate and I didn’t look like total loners together.
I was moving up in the world, no time for stragglers
This was big boys stuff! Drinking whilst 16 in the park, smoking weed when I was 17 and popping pills and all sorts at 18. Ok so I am a late bloomer, in many people’s eyes no doubt, but better late than never they say. I’d hate to think where I would be now if I hadn’t met a decent group of mates at school…probably a total recluse (not just the part time hermit, I currently am!) with little to no experience with girls, drugs and forming meaningful relationships with others. Thankfully it wasn’t one sided, they showed me stuff, I showed them stuff. Mainly better drugs than weed, and decent electronic music artists and venues, and offering sage like advice on their relationships (their words!) despite them having more experience than me. Give and take
So from then on it was clear sailing, socially that is. (I was always under-performing academically, always in middle sets for maths, science and English. And bottom for French. I never did a single piece of homework, studied a laughable amount of time for my exams, and paid the price for all my messing around in classes to get people to like me.
I still managed to get good enough grades to get my A levels and get into uni, an arty course through clearing mind you, but I didn’t have the motivation to finish it for whatever reason and wasted over 6 years of funding, only completing the 1st year of 2 separate degrees in all that time. It’s barely worth the paper the two ‘Certificates of Education’ are printed on, I reckon.
The lesson is don’t mess around in school kids! Or maybe I should have balanced being class clown and my studies better? I will never know. Wish I could have my time at school again, I would do things so differently. I have no doubt my ADHD affected my ability to win friends and influence them, I was very immature, not just because of my age in relation to others in my year. My mum also thought I had mild Asperger’s when younger, and I was diagnosed with dyslexia at uni, which was quite late. All these factors along with being a bit overweight no doubt tainted my ability to learn, relate to and get on with other people. I think I grew out of it for the most part though, or adapted somehow. Yeah School was a mixed bag over all!
Tl;dr
