June 21, 2009
Well after waiting for a time when I could BL…the internet decides to just being a bitch. So I guess I’m stuck writing this out on word until idk some magic happens or something. I really don’t know what I’m going to do after I write this because Sean is going to still be gaming and there is really nothing I can do but stare at the fucking wall. But I kinda bet that he really doesn’t care.
Wait, I forgot lets back up. Wednesday night I went to spend some time with some friends. Movie, Pizza, talk. We go down to the same friend’s place I mentioned before. We have a few drinks, smoke a bit. But we run out. This friend runs me to the ATM and to the source for more. I never wanna drive high. Ok so…
Anyway, back to where I was. I met this guy at the bar and had a few drinks on last Thursday. We talked more. Really the story was that we were dating, almost BF and GF in my eyes. And then it was fuck and run. He just left for Christmas break without a word for a month or more. So I just picked up myself and moved on. I have told him time and time again how much it hurts and how angry I am. It seems that I am constantly filled with this anger that I have never had before and don’t really know how to handle. But he and I’m sure perhaps others, know they messed up. Hell, I’m a decent girl. And he said he kicks his own ass for it now and then. Too bad I guess.
Well I text a guy that I met before at the bar to see what he is doing. He says he is at home, like a block away. I tell him he should come up. He said he was broke. Well being the person I am, I tell him I’m running short on cash but I’ll buy him a couple drinks. So he does.
After last call, we are always looking for an after party. Well my friend offers. We head over there. We will and drink and what not. There were a lot of people there. But we smoke the rest that I have with everyone. I don’t mind sharing really, with the hope that it all comes around. But eventually I get invited to the back room, after they figure I’m cool. Drug of choice…meth. It turns out that everyone had been back there in a rotation doing it. Lol so they teach me what to do. First time for me. But after awhile it runs low and its time to start to get rid of people. Well, I have to get rid of the person I came with, well asked to by the owners. We try and try. I’ll explain why later. But we finally get him to leave with the hope that he will think I am too. I actually think he is mad at me and I felt bad for doing it. But I felt like I kinda had no choice. They wanted him gone because they didn’t trust him. He refuses all drugs other than alcohol and has a lot of moral issues we will get into later. I wonder if he will talk to me…but then again. I texted him that I was sorry, and what is done is done.
Afterwards I’m taken back to “get caught up” it’s a funny high. Honestly you just feel awake with no need to sleep or eat. Nothing like losing those annoying basic needs. It’s good. Although the guy with the stuff, well he starts texting me things I don’t want. I have a bf and he has a live in girlfriend. I stand my ground. I won’t do that to Sean. I know the gf is bi-curious and they know how I am. But 1. I don’t wanna do that to Sean, taken. No. 2. Not my type! But he just keeps on and keeps on. I start to wonder if I had agreeing if he might even forgo the gf. Guys like that are slime. But he has the stuff, AND lives with a really nice guy who I think is a really good friend in a short period of time. After smoking it every way you can, hey they are teaching me I head to work.
I get the nasty news that I have DOUBLE the work. They fucked up on the shipping at the warehouse. So I am on the stuff and busting my ass, but start to come down. FUCK. I stay hours late. I ask the boss if I can leave because there was SO much. He says stay another hour until they are out of their meeting and he will come and look at stuff. Well FUCK THAT. He gets distracted and no one wants to fucking help me or even see if I can MAYBE leave on a FUCKING FRIDAY, when I was hoping to see Sean! After too long, I tell ppl what’s up, that I’m leaving and leave.
I text Sean to see if I can maybe come see him since I miss him so much! But he just says tomorrow. This gets me worried. But I decide perhaps it’s really best not to ask what he is doing instead. I head to the bar to meet a couple friends. But the are having a couple fight and I do NOT want to be in the middle of that. So I go sit at the bar and just chit chat. Not to bad. I get hit on a lot. This is kinda an ego boost but its not like I go there wanting it. I guess the red lipstick can work for me or something. I get texts from the ppl last night. They can’t come up to the bar but they will have a lil more stuff just before close. Well I make a friend and we got smoke some pot before then. I seem to be getting a lot of drugs for free as of late. I try to make clear that the guys don’t have a chance but you know the type that don’t give up and think that if they get you high enough you will change your mind. I think not. But hell I’ll take the drugs, even if I feel like slime sometimes for doing it. But if they offer, why bother to say no, it’s not going to change my mind.
So I get done with that and head down the block. We smoke a lil more crank. Jeez , its so nice never to be tired. It seems like some of them are ready to have their crash or head off to do other things. I decide to go home. I know that I have earned my respect there. I bring, I share, I use I offer money, which they usually turn down. I don’t bother them when I know they have it. No one likes someone always inviting themselves. You just wait, it’s appreciated. I kinda learn how all this works between us. It’s kinda a karma give and take kinda deal.
Eventually I’m hoping that I’m going to hear from Sean and I don’t wanna go over there are just crash since I’ve been up for quite awhile. So I take a sleeping pill and try to get about 7 hours sleep. And I’m still not hearing from Sean by 2 pm. The BPD is really starting to kick in. I’m upset and SCARED. He has claimed to be sick a lot, and my friends have mentioned that a lot too. He blew me off with no reason given Friday night, and I’m still not hearing from him. The BPD fear that I’m being abandoned, real or imagined is kicking in. For the first time after talking it over online with a friend for a bit I lose it. I just start crying. But FINALLY I get a text and he says its ok. I have a lot to do because hell I was about ready to give up. So I head out… but being with Sean and in light of this weekend has brought up a lot of confusing thoughts for me which I guess I’ll get to in my next blog.
Guys, relationships, feelings, wondering if you have found THE ONE. Or could there be someone else who could love you more. One thing I know for sure. I never want to be just a pretty face and a body, I want someone to truly love me, as I am, forever. Do we ever find that? Really...I'll write that up later perhaps. I've posted enough for now.
Well after waiting for a time when I could BL…the internet decides to just being a bitch. So I guess I’m stuck writing this out on word until idk some magic happens or something. I really don’t know what I’m going to do after I write this because Sean is going to still be gaming and there is really nothing I can do but stare at the fucking wall. But I kinda bet that he really doesn’t care.
Wait, I forgot lets back up. Wednesday night I went to spend some time with some friends. Movie, Pizza, talk. We go down to the same friend’s place I mentioned before. We have a few drinks, smoke a bit. But we run out. This friend runs me to the ATM and to the source for more. I never wanna drive high. Ok so…
Anyway, back to where I was. I met this guy at the bar and had a few drinks on last Thursday. We talked more. Really the story was that we were dating, almost BF and GF in my eyes. And then it was fuck and run. He just left for Christmas break without a word for a month or more. So I just picked up myself and moved on. I have told him time and time again how much it hurts and how angry I am. It seems that I am constantly filled with this anger that I have never had before and don’t really know how to handle. But he and I’m sure perhaps others, know they messed up. Hell, I’m a decent girl. And he said he kicks his own ass for it now and then. Too bad I guess.
Well I text a guy that I met before at the bar to see what he is doing. He says he is at home, like a block away. I tell him he should come up. He said he was broke. Well being the person I am, I tell him I’m running short on cash but I’ll buy him a couple drinks. So he does.
After last call, we are always looking for an after party. Well my friend offers. We head over there. We will and drink and what not. There were a lot of people there. But we smoke the rest that I have with everyone. I don’t mind sharing really, with the hope that it all comes around. But eventually I get invited to the back room, after they figure I’m cool. Drug of choice…meth. It turns out that everyone had been back there in a rotation doing it. Lol so they teach me what to do. First time for me. But after awhile it runs low and its time to start to get rid of people. Well, I have to get rid of the person I came with, well asked to by the owners. We try and try. I’ll explain why later. But we finally get him to leave with the hope that he will think I am too. I actually think he is mad at me and I felt bad for doing it. But I felt like I kinda had no choice. They wanted him gone because they didn’t trust him. He refuses all drugs other than alcohol and has a lot of moral issues we will get into later. I wonder if he will talk to me…but then again. I texted him that I was sorry, and what is done is done.
Afterwards I’m taken back to “get caught up” it’s a funny high. Honestly you just feel awake with no need to sleep or eat. Nothing like losing those annoying basic needs. It’s good. Although the guy with the stuff, well he starts texting me things I don’t want. I have a bf and he has a live in girlfriend. I stand my ground. I won’t do that to Sean. I know the gf is bi-curious and they know how I am. But 1. I don’t wanna do that to Sean, taken. No. 2. Not my type! But he just keeps on and keeps on. I start to wonder if I had agreeing if he might even forgo the gf. Guys like that are slime. But he has the stuff, AND lives with a really nice guy who I think is a really good friend in a short period of time. After smoking it every way you can, hey they are teaching me I head to work.
I get the nasty news that I have DOUBLE the work. They fucked up on the shipping at the warehouse. So I am on the stuff and busting my ass, but start to come down. FUCK. I stay hours late. I ask the boss if I can leave because there was SO much. He says stay another hour until they are out of their meeting and he will come and look at stuff. Well FUCK THAT. He gets distracted and no one wants to fucking help me or even see if I can MAYBE leave on a FUCKING FRIDAY, when I was hoping to see Sean! After too long, I tell ppl what’s up, that I’m leaving and leave.
I text Sean to see if I can maybe come see him since I miss him so much! But he just says tomorrow. This gets me worried. But I decide perhaps it’s really best not to ask what he is doing instead. I head to the bar to meet a couple friends. But the are having a couple fight and I do NOT want to be in the middle of that. So I go sit at the bar and just chit chat. Not to bad. I get hit on a lot. This is kinda an ego boost but its not like I go there wanting it. I guess the red lipstick can work for me or something. I get texts from the ppl last night. They can’t come up to the bar but they will have a lil more stuff just before close. Well I make a friend and we got smoke some pot before then. I seem to be getting a lot of drugs for free as of late. I try to make clear that the guys don’t have a chance but you know the type that don’t give up and think that if they get you high enough you will change your mind. I think not. But hell I’ll take the drugs, even if I feel like slime sometimes for doing it. But if they offer, why bother to say no, it’s not going to change my mind.
So I get done with that and head down the block. We smoke a lil more crank. Jeez , its so nice never to be tired. It seems like some of them are ready to have their crash or head off to do other things. I decide to go home. I know that I have earned my respect there. I bring, I share, I use I offer money, which they usually turn down. I don’t bother them when I know they have it. No one likes someone always inviting themselves. You just wait, it’s appreciated. I kinda learn how all this works between us. It’s kinda a karma give and take kinda deal.
Eventually I’m hoping that I’m going to hear from Sean and I don’t wanna go over there are just crash since I’ve been up for quite awhile. So I take a sleeping pill and try to get about 7 hours sleep. And I’m still not hearing from Sean by 2 pm. The BPD is really starting to kick in. I’m upset and SCARED. He has claimed to be sick a lot, and my friends have mentioned that a lot too. He blew me off with no reason given Friday night, and I’m still not hearing from him. The BPD fear that I’m being abandoned, real or imagined is kicking in. For the first time after talking it over online with a friend for a bit I lose it. I just start crying. But FINALLY I get a text and he says its ok. I have a lot to do because hell I was about ready to give up. So I head out… but being with Sean and in light of this weekend has brought up a lot of confusing thoughts for me which I guess I’ll get to in my next blog.
Guys, relationships, feelings, wondering if you have found THE ONE. Or could there be someone else who could love you more. One thing I know for sure. I never want to be just a pretty face and a body, I want someone to truly love me, as I am, forever. Do we ever find that? Really...I'll write that up later perhaps. I've posted enough for now.
