🍄 Gardening 🍄 Well shit - relapsed on crack 🫣

[Rampage St]

Well I almost had 3 months clean and today and yesterday I smoked two $40 bags of crack.

I am not really feeling devastated, it’s definitely not good but feeling guilt about relapses always just drove me deeper.

I think the AA/Ana narrative that Im fucked now is not true. Yes I need to stop, and maybe only do it a few weekends a year.

I am disappointed though I always wanted to hit a year of continuous sobriety which I don’t believe is possible for me.

The other thing is I’m pretty sure my house manager at my sober house cut a hole through the bathroom ceiling and filmed me smoking it. He hasn’t said anything to me, but that’s 100% illegal. I am hoping I do not get kicked out that would suck.

 

[somnilicious]

Well I almost had 3 months clean and today and yesterday I smoked two $40 bags of crack.

I am not really feeling devastated, it’s definitely not good but feeling guilt about relapses always just drove me deeper.

I think the AA/Ana narrative that Im fucked now is not true. Yes I need to stop, and maybe only do it a few weekends a year.

I am disappointed though I always wanted to hit a year of continuous sobriety which I don’t believe is possible for me.

The other thing is I’m pretty sure my house manager at my sober house cut a hole through the bathroom ceiling and filmed me smoking it. He hasn’t said anything to me, but that’s 100% illegal. I am hoping I do not get kicked out that would suck.

I don't believe your house manager cut a hole in the bathroom to film you. I spent almost three years at halfway and 3/4 houses and in my experience they would usually just bang on the door and demand the person come out, confiscate evidence and drug test or kickout on the spot..... Just paranoia I believe.

 

[elgoucho9]

Well I almost had 3 months clean and today and yesterday I smoked two $40 bags of crack.

I am not really feeling devastated, it’s definitely not good but feeling guilt about relapses always just drove me deeper.

I think the AA/Ana narrative that Im fucked now is not true. Yes I need to stop, and maybe only do it a few weekends a year.

I am disappointed though I always wanted to hit a year of continuous sobriety which I don’t believe is possible for me.

The other thing is I’m pretty sure my house manager at my sober house cut a hole through the bathroom ceiling and filmed me smoking it. He hasn’t said anything to me, but that’s 100% illegal. I am hoping I do not get kicked out that would suck.

While it's not totally fucked you up this time. Do you think if you relapsed 10 times each time will only be a couple of $40 bags and not more/prolonged binges?

As a crack addict myself i can't see it. There is no predicting how it will go. If the stuffs really good and there's funds available there is just no telling how bad it could get.

There's a reason you quit initially. Stay strong.

 

[Rampage St]

Yeah funds are not an issue I got the best job I’ve ever had at the moment.

And no I have absolutely no control when I start smoking all bets are off but hey tomorrow is a new day at least

 

[Rampage St]

I don't believe your house manager cut a hole in the bathroom to film you. I spent almost three years at halfway and 3/4 houses and in my experience they would usually just bang on the door and demand the person come out, confiscate evidence and drug test or kickout on the spot..... Just paranoia I believe.

I know man it sounds crazy I’m gonna get a ladder and check the hole out tomorrow cause idk I saw something move while I was in there, this is more like a flop house though everyone smokes weed and not many rules

 

[elgoucho9]

Yeah funds are not an issue I got the best job I’ve ever had at the moment.

And no I have absolutely no control when I start smoking all bets are off but hey tomorrow is a new day at least

That was like me when I had a massive habit mate. The boss of the local Albos line told me I was their best customer for a long time.

Was buying 7 tickets every morning for months and washing them all up before the main guy offered me ounces at a discount rate. Which I bought several and never sold any.

Having the money only makes a crack habit worse in my book. I had to loose all the money before I could truly get clean. I'm not worried because once you have it once you can do it again, only now all my thoughts dont revolve around crack.

 

[PtahTek]

I have had to learn to not beat myself too badly for the occasional crack binge. Happens. If I think about it too much it only keeps me in that place.
I have to let it go.
And let the crack go as well.
I feel as long as I am making forward progress in anything I can expect ups ands downs.
Roads are not always flat.
Once we get tired of the feeling of failing it will come to an end.
Best with this.
Peace

 

[Rampage St]

Today has to be it it’s been 6 nights in a row my head is killing me eyes sunken this shit is misery yet I keep hitting the pipe… fucking crap

 

[elgoucho9]

Today has to be it it’s been 6 nights in a row my head is killing me eyes sunken this shit is misery yet I keep hitting the pipe… fucking crap

It's a nasty drug bro. There comes a point where you just have to want to live life more than have this shit owning your soul.

I've been there. Spent a week awake without sleep on it even. Gone through thousands of pounds and had my mental health dragged through the gutters with it. Just not worth what it's doing to the rest of your life though.

Throw the pipe in the bin. Flush any remaining crack. Get some some and sleep in you. Then think what you actually want from life, this isn't it man.

I'm here and have experience dealing with the very same problem. I was addicted to crack on and off for 7 years. PM me if you need to talk brother.

 

[Rampage St]

It's a nasty drug bro. There comes a point where you just have to want to live life more than have this shit owning your soul.

I've been there. Spent a week awake without sleep on it even. Gone through thousands of pounds and had my mental health dragged through the gutters with it. Just not worth what it's doing to the rest of your life though.

Throw the pipe in the bin. Flush any remaining crack. Get some some and sleep in you. Then think what you actually want from life, this isn't it man.

I'm here and have experience dealing with the very same problem. I was addicted to crack on and off for 7 years. PM me if you need to talk brother.

I think God sent me a message I was trying to push the chore and the pen I was using broke ink all in it I was not happy to say the least but it’s time to be done. Thanks for the kind words

 

[elgoucho9]

I think God sent me a message I was trying to push the chore and the pen I was using broke ink all in it I was not happy to say the least but it’s time to be done. Thanks for the kind words

The universe works in mysterious ways bro. Take it as a sign to get some food and rest. All the best.