Well needed break

[gazmobile]

Hi i am new to this forum..have been reading it before but never really posted. I am sure that this subject has probably been covered but I think I need to tell someone (anyone) about what is happening to me.

I started using pills about 12 months ago when i was 22 (maybe a bit earlier)...started as 1 pill every few weekends, then quickly became a pill every weekend...this summer was a huge party time for me...I had two very close friends who were going to move away and so I partied with them a lot before they left..they have since been gone about 2 months now. Anyway we would all pop pills every weekend (they weren't as big users as me but since it would be their last few weeks, they started on them a lot as well) We did 5 pills each I think in the space of a week (which i consider pretty bad) the weekend before last I did 4 pills in two days...i think the final straw was last weekend when i took a couple of pills that i knew would be good but didn't work. All i could do was think about how i should be feeling and i guess i was pyschologically thinking that i would be have a high tolerance to it (which i would i know) and this brought me down as well...just didn't get the high i wanted. i think this was when i decided i needed to stop for awhile.

I never thought i would abuse pills in such a way that they didn't make me get that happiness i always love about them but i guess i did. But you know what, i am happy to go on a break...i don't know how long it will be for...definitely wont be taking it for a few weekends at least...one of my friends is coming back up for easter so maybe then who knows?? but that is only a month away and i think too soon...i think we will just pop something then and not take anything for awhile after that. i am happy to be on a break and when i do something again i know it will be in a great situation and i know that i will be excited about it once again...i just wasn't getting the same excitement as i used to!! i think when that is gone, you need to slow down for awhile.

Also i am starting to realise how my friends saw me...i wrote my flatmate a note about it all and how i was sorry for being grumpy etc...he agreed that i needed to take time out and look at what i was doing and get back in touch with reality. taking pills every weekend is what became normal to me. i am now stuggling to come to grips with how everyone is thinking of me...i guess i am feeling ashamed, sorry that i lost respect...i am looking at myself as others see me i guess, and i am not liking what i see. before i just denied it and said, 'yeah this will be my last wkend, who cares what other ppl think when i can feel great by pilling?!' now i am really waking up to myself.

sorry for the morbidness of this post...i just needed to get my thoughts down, or just tell someone to make it clearer to myself. any other peoples stories of their experiences would be greatly appreciated!!

i am also focussing on my life again. i guess i just lived for the weekend...during the week was hell to go through because i would be just looking forward to getting wasted. now i am looking at where i want to go with my life...i not going to miss any more classes of uni...i really bombed bad there...i decided i need something in my life if i ever need to get anywhere...so i have a new motivation to study that has come about with this realisation that i am doing too many drugs. i decided that i will try and enjoy my job as well...even though it is not something i want to do...i guess that if i think of it as a means to an end and look at my potiential and what i can do with my future i will be fine.

i think i am also looking forward to hanging out with mates who i haven't seen for awhile because they just weren't into what i was and so didn't have time on the weekends for them. and i want to start doing things that i dont usually do like gym and sports and stuff like that. i am also looking forward to going out with the mates i used and not being off my face (not that i need to prove anything to anyone but it would be nice to do!)

the biggest break that i have had in this past year of using drugs in probably 3 weeks, once last year and another break just after my friends left. but the thing was during these times i was always wanting something. but now i am not because i know it wont work anyway!! i think that is what i need to think about...the high will not be there! i am sad about this but happy because i can get on with my real life! and i know that i will get that high again because all i need is time off. i guess when you get used to that feeling you know how each stage should feel and you keep analysing and waiting for it to happen a certain way...of course it is not going to work then!! thats more psychological i guess because you are not letting your mind go completly and just letting it happen! Ecstasy is meant to be a suprise i guess...i don't know how to say it...but you know what i mean!! if you forget what it feels like...then it will hit you when you least expect it. even when you are not on it, you know of the different levels you can be on...the trance like states etc, the warm rushes, the way it SHOULD feel when you are peaking and standing near a fan or a/c!! but then i guess you get pyschologically used to it and can control it not to mention the physical tolerance!! so i know that the next time i take e it will be in a few months when my tolerance is lower and can't quite remember the sensations i should be feeling.

Wow i am really rambling...so sorry for this!!! but it was good to get my thoughts out anyway...the wierd thing \is i know this break will last because i WANT it to!! i want to take time out and show everyone i can have fun without drugs ...most importantly i want to show myself that! every time i take a break (or say i am going i still crave it, but i am not this time!!) this is because i know i will feel that great feeling again someday and next time i will not abuse it.

cheers!

 

[new_piller]

Good to hear!!!

mate,

i'm hearin ya loud and clear!!!

it must feel a whole lot better to be able to write that down and get it off ya chest!! you sound like me in so many ways!!:D

at the moment i'm almost in my 3rd week of taking a break!! and like you, i've been pilling for over a year and maybe had 3 or 4 2/3 week breaks, but no long ones!!

i'm also catching up with mates who i haven't seen for ages and doing a few different things, like going out for dinner during the week, go to a pub instead of a club and starting to look to get into sports again!! it helps afl starting soon as well!! :D

anyway, i won't ramble...

i'll send ya email or somethin, and we'll have a chat, considering we're both in similar situations!!

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

You know it's really not so bad going out without having a pill.

I'm kind of like you, after so long doing it you start to think of the prospect of a non-pill night as kind of '2nd rate' somehow... I've even been guilty of getting depressed at the thought of not being able to drop. Stupid, hey?

But with a little change of attitude it helps heaps. When I go out "just drinking" now, I see it as a kind of a novelty, a NICE novelty... a clean kind of feeling. Revel in the fact that you're on the same level as most of your other friends and everyone else in the pub (yes it helps to stay away from clubs for a bit), also you're not as messy and ga-ga and - SURPRISE! - you remember a hell of a lot more of the night, as a general rule.

It's been two weeks for me now and I must admit I'm still hanging out to drop again, but I'm trying to get back that 'normal drinking night out' experience so that the pilling nights become an extra-special treat again, not a given.

It gets a bit ridiculous when you spend $350 in 2 weeks between two of you, and somehow you've gone through 10 pills and all you're left with is an empty wallet and the vague impression that you had a pretty good time.

 

[jimbu]

personally, i think the longer you take a break, the less you will feel the urge. it's all about breaking the habit, and a 'couple of weeks' isn't really enough to break a habit!

when i began pilling, i bought the whole "if u do it once a month it's not causing you any damage" (which is bullshit, but people like to convince themselves that once a month is safe). come summer, it turned into once every 2 weeks, and by the end of summer me and a friend had acknowledged there was a problem and took a break.

for him, he hasn't done any drugs since (that's well over a year ago now), for me it was a good 5-6 months, and while i still have the occassional pill and have a fantastic time, i've lost the cravings.

i think what it comes down to, is if you become a habitual user, and you dont get that weekly, or fortnightly high, you begin to miss it... but if you don't make it a habitual thing, just something you do perhaps once every few months when something really special comes up, you don't have any expectations of the next time you're going to take it

cheers,
jimbu

 

[Jokerswild]

Ditto, am attempting a self imposed spell at the moment, good luck mate. Its a hard road to walk, ive attempted it many times, hell I find it easier to forget about smoking, I can go days without thinking about having a smoke, but generally dont go an hour without thinking about cranking.

JoKeR

 

[fr30n]

i just went off a 6 month break from drugs, i went though a bit of shit and i was disgnosed with having PTSD (post tramatic stress dissorder) because i was in a pretty bad car accident and then i quit drugs after that and it bought back a lot of feelings i had supressed with drugs though out the last 3 years, ive always taken a break from smoking dope but id always pill in those gaps, because i abused pilling/speed/trips when i was younger i used them to feel emotions i couldent, but before my 6 month gap for a year i slowed down and just pilled once every 3 months or so if that even, ive found that dope is the worst drug of them all it plays with your mind/emotions more then any other but thats not the point really after my 6 month break (i pilled on sat night at a party) i feel unreal i only had 1/4 of a pill sat night (lol fucked me up nice too) im slowly getting back into it but im not in a huge hurry, "to learn to use you have to abuse" is all i can really think of but breaks are always needed u need to think clearley and not let your self slip into an addiction

 

[friskk]

I think it happens to everyone. When the 'honeymoon' period ends and people realise what they have been doing to themselves and the people around them.

For me it was an accumulation of events that transpired before I realised what I had gotten myself into.

I took pills with a group of friends every week, without fail, for at least 1 year. For about 6 months I took at least 3 - 6 pills a week. I had finished uni, had a great job, and had I guess money to burn. My mother had been in and out of hospital. She was dying. I was also damn curious and there was nothing I wouldn't say no to. Some people say I did it as an escape from my life. I say that's bullshit. I did it because I wanted it. I lived a stressful life where I was always the responsible one. I wanted a chance to be free.. to express myself in ways I could never do so before.

My weekend started literally on the Wednesday night. I began taking pills and would use them everyday. I would hardly sleep and because of that slowly started using amphetamines at work to keep myself alert. My bosses never complained. In fact they thought I was a great worker and I quickly moved up the ranks. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday I would CRASH hard. Sleeping between 10 - 12 hours a day.

I had lost alot of my friends. I don't think anyone really realises how people will react. I thought everyone would be as open minded as I was, I was wrong. Very wrong. They saw me differently. Treated me differently. Some still do now.

I remember hearing a conversation my 'friends' were having about me. Some of them believed I didn't deserve to be where I was. That I was undeserving of my accademic, social and work accolades. My achievements were some how tainted because of the life style I chose to live. I could never understand why they thought like that. Were they jealous? Were they angry? I think it was an accumulation of both. For society has stated that drug users cannot go far. That they are a burden to society, a burden that must be purged. No matter how much I told my friends who were new to the 'e scene' to keep their habits private... no one could resist... and they all soon found out the hard way that some people just don't understand

The first event that made me wake up is my friend o'ding. Driving him through the suburbs rushing him to the Austin hospital was a frightening experience. I'd never seen anyone o'd before. This guy thought he would die. I thought he might die. Convulsing, shaking, screaming.. My gf was holding him, a look of grief and desperation filled her teary eyes. I drove like a maniac and got him to the hospital.. he would live to fight another day.

The second event - I woke up one day and realised I had lost alot of my friends. Things were different. I had never lied, cheated them or hurt them physically.. yet they treated me as an outcast. May be I had hurt them mentally. Hurt them in a way that no physical could inflict. They stopped asking me out.. because of course I would be able busy.. Going to a club, seeing a dj, taking this substance or that substance. Was I having fun? Fuck yeah! I'm still not sure to this day whether or not I would change things.. I wouldn't tell my friends that's for sure.. but I probably would still continue doing what I had done.

The third event - The realisation I had wasted a SHIT load of money. This was never really an issue until recently.. when my company closed down and I was made redundant.

Some people have mentioned that they have built up a tollerance and felt that the drugs didn't have that much of an effect on them. I can almost 100% say that this has not been the case for me. True, the magic had gone.. but I think as with all things when continued for a while the magic will eventually fade.. From when I first began I was taking things like 5htp and vitamins and other aids to help with my moods and body. I really think this has worked wonders.

If you need help leaving your current lifestyle look into new things. I don't personally believe in stopping cold turkey. Take a break for a few weeks and then take 1 or 2 pills. Take another break for a few weeks and then take one or two pills. You should continue increasing the break until you feel that you are able to manage yourself. Until you don't feel any of those cravings. Stopping cold turkey is always hard because you are so use to having something. This is just my opinion.
In those break periods find something which you can really put your heart and soul into. There are plenty of threads giving people advice. I for one took up studying again. I completing a post graduate degree and i'm getting the best marks of my life (D/HD average). I also took up things like cooking. (DONT LAUGH).

At this moment in time - I am clean. I take pills very very rarely and even then only if there is some special party on. I still like it but I think like all people eventually do, I moved on.

I wish you the best of luck dude.. and hope everything pulls through. I'm sure it will. Don't regret anything though. Everything that happens to you serves a purpose. You are now older, wiser and your eyes have been opened to the ways of human nature. You now have a greater understanding as to why some people get addicted to drugs, why some people fall into that downwards spiral and find it so hard to get out.

Best of luck.

F

 

[gazmobile]

thanks guys

Wow thanks for all your responses guys! didn't think i would get any!

And thankyou Friskk...you are right...everything happens for a purpose...I guess I have experienced something from this...I have certainly learnt that I am capable of losing control of things and I guess now I know what moderation really is (I thought I knew before but I guess not!!) you also mentioned that i shouldn't give up cold turkey and that i should have something in a couple of weeks...take a break...etc until i feel no urge. the thing is i don't really feel an urge now. then again, it has only been a few days since the weekend!! maybe i'll feel diffently in a couple of weeks. however i don't think my body will be fully recovered and my tolerance lowered enough to do this. i think i need a really good break. because lets face it, 3 weeks isn't a break so basically i have been pilling continuously for a year. I would like to see what it would be like to take a few months off...i will see how is goes.

One thing is for sure though...I will definitely miss it, but even though i don't crave it atm I am looking forward to the next time i do it, with close friends and a great surrounding! If we get down to it, if i thought that i could never feel that way again...I would be devastated! i definitely have a better understanding now...and i know that the next time i do it...i won't do it again after that for at least 6 weeks and abuse my body.

 

[NaturalFlow]

Gawd, after writing the below, I should preface this message as being a quasi-intro at "Pills Anonymous".

I am in my mid 20s and have a great job and earn a fair stack of cash each week. I started using pills (etc...) about 2 years ago and I would indulge about every 2 weeks. Then in November/December just past, I went out every weekend and did about 1/2g speed, 3 pills, and a few lines of either coke or K.

The last time I used anything was late December when I had a very nasty panic attack. This consisted of terrifying visuals, pounding heart... and continual thoughts that I was about to either drop dead from a heart attack, or fall into psychosis from the visuals. I also had permanent hallucinations and quite bad hand tremours.

After that last episode I decided to give it a rest for a while. Now it has been just over 3 months since I last did any drugs (excluding cigs and alco).

I look back at myself in the final 6 months of last year and I am amazed at how screwed up I was, particularly in December/January. I was completely paranoid and would have the most terrible anxiety attacks. I could barely even hold a conversation with someone as my anxiety would turn my face red, I would start sweating and my heart would pound severely. Sometimes I did not even want to go outside from the fear of having to speak to anyone and interact with society.

Basically, I was permanently paranoid and suffering from severe anxiety attacks. I thought this was just normal for me and didn't connect it with the drug use. Sure, I didn't used to act in that fashion, but I still didn't put 2 and 2 together.

Anyway, I can now tell you, it's been over 3 months since I last did pills or speed, and I feel about 10,000 times better. I am no longer paranoid and am no longer convinced that everyone I meet hates me and thinks I am scum.

I bought some pills a couple of days ago. I was thinking that since I was feeling better I would indulge again. But I have decided I will not do them. I will keep them, however, just to prove to myself that I can have them and not use them.

I hope I have not come across as being some bible-basher on his soap box telling the world how BAD pills are. They are seriously great fun. And I know quite a lot of people who take them once or twice a month and are completely fine.

But, if you are feeling the way I was (paranoid and anxious), and those feeling are affecting your everyday life, then maybe you should consider taking a few months off and seeing if it makes a difference.

Signing-Off Permanently
Nf

 

[gazmobile]

NF; yeah the last time i did pills i WAS a bit paranoid...only because i knew what one of friends thought about me doing them so frequently (he didn't have a prob. with drugs in moderation and he had even gone down a worse path than i was going down...he used to be into everything from pills to heroin) and i guess that was another reason i wasn't enjoying my last time on them...because i was finally waking up to how others were seeing me and not liking it!

 

[Padawhuan Pinger]

congrats 2 everyone for having the amazing and i mean absolutly astonishing incredable amazing courage to take a break when they decide to....u will be thankful and very proud of the strong person u are if u succeed and come out feeling healthier and have a much heavier wallet/purse....its tough and u should be happy with yourselves if u end up having a break and do it genuinly because..............

CRAVINGS ARE A MUTHAFUCKER AND TOTALLY SUCK ASS


-good luck 2 all

 

[AlexxRed]

One of my friends made a very good point recently. When you get heavly into raving your life can start going round and round on the same level and you really rob yourself of the oppurtunity to let the natural progression of life occur. Yes there is a balance, but it can often be hard to find, and lets face it sometimes you end up in a place and wonder...how the fuck did I get here?

All I know is that i've been out more in the first 3 months of this year, than I in the first 3/4 of last year. Laughing it off because I was having such a great time, really getting into my dancing, feeling like I was becomming part of something, seeing the same faces...the smiles the 'hey dude how are you going?'. It never occured to me that I was lonely...really really lonely.

The same friend said to me, Alex I know that your not messed up simply because your going out lots. I know the reason your going out so much is because you felt a bit messed up in the first place. But face it pal, drugs only help when your on them, then when you come off them, its worse, the same problems are still there, so all you can do is get back on the merry go round to be happy.

So i'm taking sometime off and I feel better already. Its amazing how much of a difference as little as two weeks makes. I'm not going to quit parting, i'm not going to quit drugs altogether, cause i'm having a ball but sometimes you got to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Dont forget to see partying for what it really is.

 

[friskk]

Alot of people have mentioned the main reason for stopping is the paranoia and anxiety.

I for one have not experienced this.. (thank God) and i'm wondering if it could be due to the vitamin suppliments I take.

Try taking Ginko and 5htp, l-tyrosine to help with the moods.

Take Brahmi to help with the memory and cognitive thinking.

Take multi-vitamins to help with general health and well being.

I personally swear by these things. Even if these vitamins were doing nothing, apart from having a placebo effect, I still think it's well worth it.

See yas!

F

 

[Stars Fall In]

That's a possibility friskk. But I personally think it's just down to the individual. Some people are simply more prone to paranioa and anxiety than others.

 

[gazmobile]

*BUMP*

 

[gazmobile]

well its been nearly two weeks since my last pill...can't say i am craving anything unless i am in that environment...anyway i am going fine...great to have clear head during the week!!! got a friend coming in a couple of weeks...might pop one then, who knows...then it won't be for awhile again...will see how i can stay in control this time!

 

[friskk]

Good on you dude

Glad to hear ya enjoying the clean life style!

F

 

[flutter]

After almost 6 years of regular pilling i decided to have a 10 month break. Now i never went really hard before my break, average 1/2 - 1 pill a night every few weeks (although i went through periods where i'd take more) but i felt alot better after my break and have only had pills 3 times in 5 months since then. Of course pills will never be the same for me as they were before i had my break because my life priorities have shifted. I'm more interested in living life in reality now but the few times i've had pills since have also been fun. It's like i'm on a different level when i take pills now and only have the desire to take them once in a blue moon now.

Taking a break isn't that hard. Surround yourself with people who don't need to have pills everyweekend (if you are lucky enough to have friends like that) and get yourself a nice big dose of reality. Do 'normal stuff' like go to the movies, putt-putt, ten pin bowling, go cart racing....do whatever you need to to take your mind off it.

Good luck with it all

 

[shoe]

when i began pilling, i bought the whole "if u do it once a month it's not causing you any damage" (which is bullshit, but people like to convince themselves that once a month is safe).

It is not bullshit. Pills are not safe, but spacing them at LEAST 4-6 weeks will greatly reduce neurotoxicity. Not safe by any means, but a hell of a lot safer and better for your brain. You will also pill like it is the first time everytime and likely not need to up the dose from 1 pill (as opposed to taking 4 pills every weekend).

If you are seriously trying to tell me taking them weekly as opposed to spacing them makes no difference to the neurotoxicity of MDMA, I will laugh at you. It is the same with all drugs - take them in moderation and have a signifigantly greater chance of avoiding problems.

If you know how pills work, then this will make sense, if not, i suggest you read about it before ingesting a substance you know nothing about.
I have been pilling for years and I space everytime i take them by at least 4-6 weeks. I am nowhere near close to 'losing the magic' :D
Remember it is all about harm minimisation.

 

[lorrett]

i've been off mdma since nye. the reason....i just got sick of the depressive comedowns.

i first took mdma in 1989 and had used it pretty much regularly since.

for me giving up wasn't hard at all...i just simply got sick of it and my personal circumstances have changed dramatically this year as well.

i can honestly say that i don't feel any better, both physically and mentally, since giving mdma up.

however, i'm financially better off and my wife isn't always on my case now