Hi i am new to this forum..have been reading it before but never really posted. I am sure that this subject has probably been covered but I think I need to tell someone (anyone) about what is happening to me.
I started using pills about 12 months ago when i was 22 (maybe a bit earlier)...started as 1 pill every few weekends, then quickly became a pill every weekend...this summer was a huge party time for me...I had two very close friends who were going to move away and so I partied with them a lot before they left..they have since been gone about 2 months now. Anyway we would all pop pills every weekend (they weren't as big users as me but since it would be their last few weeks, they started on them a lot as well) We did 5 pills each I think in the space of a week (which i consider pretty bad) the weekend before last I did 4 pills in two days...i think the final straw was last weekend when i took a couple of pills that i knew would be good but didn't work. All i could do was think about how i should be feeling and i guess i was pyschologically thinking that i would be have a high tolerance to it (which i would i know) and this brought me down as well...just didn't get the high i wanted. i think this was when i decided i needed to stop for awhile.
I never thought i would abuse pills in such a way that they didn't make me get that happiness i always love about them but i guess i did. But you know what, i am happy to go on a break...i don't know how long it will be for...definitely wont be taking it for a few weekends at least...one of my friends is coming back up for easter so maybe then who knows?? but that is only a month away and i think too soon...i think we will just pop something then and not take anything for awhile after that. i am happy to be on a break and when i do something again i know it will be in a great situation and i know that i will be excited about it once again...i just wasn't getting the same excitement as i used to!! i think when that is gone, you need to slow down for awhile.
Also i am starting to realise how my friends saw me...i wrote my flatmate a note about it all and how i was sorry for being grumpy etc...he agreed that i needed to take time out and look at what i was doing and get back in touch with reality. taking pills every weekend is what became normal to me. i am now stuggling to come to grips with how everyone is thinking of me...i guess i am feeling ashamed, sorry that i lost respect...i am looking at myself as others see me i guess, and i am not liking what i see. before i just denied it and said, 'yeah this will be my last wkend, who cares what other ppl think when i can feel great by pilling?!' now i am really waking up to myself.
sorry for the morbidness of this post...i just needed to get my thoughts down, or just tell someone to make it clearer to myself. any other peoples stories of their experiences would be greatly appreciated!!
i am also focussing on my life again. i guess i just lived for the weekend...during the week was hell to go through because i would be just looking forward to getting wasted. now i am looking at where i want to go with my life...i not going to miss any more classes of uni...i really bombed bad there...i decided i need something in my life if i ever need to get anywhere...so i have a new motivation to study that has come about with this realisation that i am doing too many drugs. i decided that i will try and enjoy my job as well...even though it is not something i want to do...i guess that if i think of it as a means to an end and look at my potiential and what i can do with my future i will be fine.
i think i am also looking forward to hanging out with mates who i haven't seen for awhile because they just weren't into what i was and so didn't have time on the weekends for them. and i want to start doing things that i dont usually do like gym and sports and stuff like that. i am also looking forward to going out with the mates i used and not being off my face (not that i need to prove anything to anyone but it would be nice to do!)
the biggest break that i have had in this past year of using drugs in probably 3 weeks, once last year and another break just after my friends left. but the thing was during these times i was always wanting something. but now i am not because i know it wont work anyway!! i think that is what i need to think about...the high will not be there! i am sad about this but happy because i can get on with my real life! and i know that i will get that high again because all i need is time off. i guess when you get used to that feeling you know how each stage should feel and you keep analysing and waiting for it to happen a certain way...of course it is not going to work then!! thats more psychological i guess because you are not letting your mind go completly and just letting it happen! Ecstasy is meant to be a suprise i guess...i don't know how to say it...but you know what i mean!! if you forget what it feels like...then it will hit you when you least expect it. even when you are not on it, you know of the different levels you can be on...the trance like states etc, the warm rushes, the way it SHOULD feel when you are peaking and standing near a fan or a/c!! but then i guess you get pyschologically used to it and can control it not to mention the physical tolerance!! so i know that the next time i take e it will be in a few months when my tolerance is lower and can't quite remember the sensations i should be feeling.
Wow i am really rambling...so sorry for this!!! but it was good to get my thoughts out anyway...the wierd thing \is i know this break will last because i WANT it to!! i want to take time out and show everyone i can have fun without drugs ...most importantly i want to show myself that! every time i take a break (or say i am going i still crave it, but i am not this time!!) this is because i know i will feel that great feeling again someday and next time i will not abuse it.
cheers!
I started using pills about 12 months ago when i was 22 (maybe a bit earlier)...started as 1 pill every few weekends, then quickly became a pill every weekend...this summer was a huge party time for me...I had two very close friends who were going to move away and so I partied with them a lot before they left..they have since been gone about 2 months now. Anyway we would all pop pills every weekend (they weren't as big users as me but since it would be their last few weeks, they started on them a lot as well) We did 5 pills each I think in the space of a week (which i consider pretty bad) the weekend before last I did 4 pills in two days...i think the final straw was last weekend when i took a couple of pills that i knew would be good but didn't work. All i could do was think about how i should be feeling and i guess i was pyschologically thinking that i would be have a high tolerance to it (which i would i know) and this brought me down as well...just didn't get the high i wanted. i think this was when i decided i needed to stop for awhile.
I never thought i would abuse pills in such a way that they didn't make me get that happiness i always love about them but i guess i did. But you know what, i am happy to go on a break...i don't know how long it will be for...definitely wont be taking it for a few weekends at least...one of my friends is coming back up for easter so maybe then who knows?? but that is only a month away and i think too soon...i think we will just pop something then and not take anything for awhile after that. i am happy to be on a break and when i do something again i know it will be in a great situation and i know that i will be excited about it once again...i just wasn't getting the same excitement as i used to!! i think when that is gone, you need to slow down for awhile.
Also i am starting to realise how my friends saw me...i wrote my flatmate a note about it all and how i was sorry for being grumpy etc...he agreed that i needed to take time out and look at what i was doing and get back in touch with reality. taking pills every weekend is what became normal to me. i am now stuggling to come to grips with how everyone is thinking of me...i guess i am feeling ashamed, sorry that i lost respect...i am looking at myself as others see me i guess, and i am not liking what i see. before i just denied it and said, 'yeah this will be my last wkend, who cares what other ppl think when i can feel great by pilling?!' now i am really waking up to myself.
sorry for the morbidness of this post...i just needed to get my thoughts down, or just tell someone to make it clearer to myself. any other peoples stories of their experiences would be greatly appreciated!!
i am also focussing on my life again. i guess i just lived for the weekend...during the week was hell to go through because i would be just looking forward to getting wasted. now i am looking at where i want to go with my life...i not going to miss any more classes of uni...i really bombed bad there...i decided i need something in my life if i ever need to get anywhere...so i have a new motivation to study that has come about with this realisation that i am doing too many drugs. i decided that i will try and enjoy my job as well...even though it is not something i want to do...i guess that if i think of it as a means to an end and look at my potiential and what i can do with my future i will be fine.
i think i am also looking forward to hanging out with mates who i haven't seen for awhile because they just weren't into what i was and so didn't have time on the weekends for them. and i want to start doing things that i dont usually do like gym and sports and stuff like that. i am also looking forward to going out with the mates i used and not being off my face (not that i need to prove anything to anyone but it would be nice to do!)
the biggest break that i have had in this past year of using drugs in probably 3 weeks, once last year and another break just after my friends left. but the thing was during these times i was always wanting something. but now i am not because i know it wont work anyway!! i think that is what i need to think about...the high will not be there! i am sad about this but happy because i can get on with my real life! and i know that i will get that high again because all i need is time off. i guess when you get used to that feeling you know how each stage should feel and you keep analysing and waiting for it to happen a certain way...of course it is not going to work then!! thats more psychological i guess because you are not letting your mind go completly and just letting it happen! Ecstasy is meant to be a suprise i guess...i don't know how to say it...but you know what i mean!! if you forget what it feels like...then it will hit you when you least expect it. even when you are not on it, you know of the different levels you can be on...the trance like states etc, the warm rushes, the way it SHOULD feel when you are peaking and standing near a fan or a/c!! but then i guess you get pyschologically used to it and can control it not to mention the physical tolerance!! so i know that the next time i take e it will be in a few months when my tolerance is lower and can't quite remember the sensations i should be feeling.
Wow i am really rambling...so sorry for this!!! but it was good to get my thoughts out anyway...the wierd thing \is i know this break will last because i WANT it to!! i want to take time out and show everyone i can have fun without drugs ...most importantly i want to show myself that! every time i take a break (or say i am going i still crave it, but i am not this time!!) this is because i know i will feel that great feeling again someday and next time i will not abuse it.
cheers!