Well it finally happened.

[lozgod]

I want to not blame it on the drug use but indirectly it is related. I lost my job. Due to absenteeism. My car broke down and I missed a week of work, a couple months ago I missed 6 weeks do to a surgery. Cry babies in my department said they had to work harder due to me not being there, etc. etc.

Had I not had a drug habit I could of afforded a rental car or something while my car was being fixed. I am pretty sure I will get unemployment but going from $5-7 grand a month to $410 a week is going to be an adjustment until I find something else. Then I have to have a clean urine to get a job so I have to stay clean long enough to accomplish that.

Having the disease of addiction makes life so much harder. People that don't have it think it's just a matter of quitting. They don't know the agony of withdrawal or the emptiness left when the drugs go.

I'll get by on the bills for a while. I am not worried about that. Seen it coming and paid my rent up a couple months ahead and paid my credit cards to zero balance so I won't starve or be homeless (for now) I am just tired of this life, tired enough to complain, not tired enough to do something about it.

I love getting hi. I just hate the consequences. Not brave enough to kill myself, not strong enough to quit getting hi.

Just ranting. I got some prospects on employment. A couple of very good ones but if I don't reach the point where I desire to be clean more than the desire to use this will be a lifetime of ups and downs all for the sake of getting hi. I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me and I can't figure it out. Opiates entered my life and seemed like a Godsend for a while, now they are the devil and the devil is the most charming mother fucker in the universe. (Not religous or meaning to sound religous, just using it as a metaphor).

I actually did manage to get 5 days clean a few weeks ago. The withdrawal was pretty much done (physically) and I volunteered to go back to "the life".

Warning to those new to opiates. It's fun in the beginning but it comes with a high price. I never thought it could happen to me. I always swore I would control the drugs, not let them control me, and all those other lies to myself I made myself believe. To each their own but I wish this path in life on no one. My worst enemy doesn't deserve what the world of opiates comes with. It is a world of feeling great, then good, then you experience a runny nose, a metallic taste in your throat, watery eyes, a weird new type of sadness and anxiety, diarehha and restless leg syndrome one night and have no idea why. You get paid and all of a sudden the RLS and runs disappear and you realize it's too late and you have to use everyday. That's my experience anyway. I remember making a Doctor's appointment for the RLS and drinking bottles of Pepto not realizing what was really going on. What I thought could never happen to me had happened. I noticed when I had my percs I had no more problems.

My suggestion is to never ever try it if you got an addictive type of personality. It starts out feeling good, then one day it beomes you just feel bad without them. The good feeling leaves and never comes back.

Swore it would only be a weekend thing, then a few times a week, then daily but only what I could afford. I wouldn't disregard my bills. Then paying my bills based on the color of the envelope. Then borrowing money from people I love knowing I couldn't pay them back. Then the town house, the Benz, the job, the girlfriend, it all went away. Then I was broke, forced to go throuh withdrawal. Got clean. Got my life back in order. Now I am back to no job. It is a cycle that never changes if you have this disease of addiction. I believe it is a disease, or insanity. No sane person would do this to themselves.

I've done most of the "I'll nevers". I'd never get addicted, I'd never lose everything, I'd never fuck over people I love, I'd never do heroin, then I'd never shoot up. The only I nevers I got left are suicide, OD, or commit a crime for drugs.

I went to prison years ago when I was on the other side. I sold drugs, not nicks and dimes either. I was a high roller 15 years ago. I probably ruined so many lives and thought 4 years in prison was my pay back to that bitch called kharma but she wasn't done. She allowed me to accomplish great things in life that seemed like dreams coming from where I'm from. I only got a GED, came from a dysfunctional family, felony record etc. Pretty much had every excuse a junkie uses. I made it in to the corporate world in spite of that. I've had a 6 figure income, I've had many dimes in my day (women wise). And kharma waited and waited until my dreams came true and repaid me for the lives I ruined when I was selling the same shit that is ruining my life now.

Wow. Long rant. Thanks for reading if you bothered to do so. I don't feel sorry for myself, this isn't a pity party. This is just my experience with opiates. Maybe I can spare someone this sorrow by saying this, maybe not. I am just taking a shot at trying to make some wrongs right I guess. I wish this on no one. No person deserves this. When someone tells you how great those yellow 10s feel play the tape through. This is my story. Yours may end different but your best shot is to never get involved with this shit.

 

[Draigan]

it could be a lot worse man. That phrase usually doesn't help much, but in your situation it seems alright. I mean, 400 bucks a week is pretty alright...

It def is a cycle. There is the glory phase, and then of-course the down phase...

 

[QuasiStoned]

it could be a lot worse man. That phrase usually doesn't help much, but in your situation it seems alright. I mean, 400 bucks a week is pretty alright...

lol, not to belittle your situation or anything but I work a full time job and can only bring home 600 every two weeks. And I've got to somehow try to pay a lawyer and have all kinds of legal shit coming up from my foolish drug use.

Worst of all I'll probably lose my job too if I go to jail, and as crappy of a job as it is I'm going to be trying to think of some way to keep it because a job is a job and without a degree (and soon no license) I'm not going to be able to be too picky.

For the record, I was an opiate addict myself and know exactly what you're talking about though. It is a slippery slope, but honestly I knew I was playing with fire when I started using them. I just didn't care, I was looking for any way possible to medicate myself from the pain that I feel on a daily basis (mostly physical pain). I'm regretting it now, I could have started to pay my way through school with all the money that I wasted on drugs over the past 5 years.

 

[Pulpo]

Just another reason all the drugs I will use will be made by me.

 

[Draigan]

^

Go tell that to OD..

 

[slowdive]

You are so right.

It starts out as casual use. Just a once a week thing, but it will (and I mean it will) turn into an everyday affair.

 

[Soap MacTavish]

I feel your pain. I remember those days years ago when I had a job like that and I was bringing a laptop bag full of needles to work and shooting up in the bathroom and all the while I was convincing myself that I was ok and I really didn't have a "problem" because I could afford this. In the back of my messed up mind I knew it all couldn't last, I knew the reaper had my number, I knew all the consequences were coming sooner or later, and I knew I would have to quit eventually and that stuff I just completely blocked out of my mind. I remember how the heroin intoxication became my refuge and in that warm dream world I had all the answers to my problems and they all had easy solutions. I remember thinking "if only I could stay high, I could actually solve my problems". I mean, that is a true lifelong delusion right there.

I hope you can get evrything worked out. One thing I can say is when I have been in your position I was convinced that going to rehab would be my final destruction and prevent me from getting work. It turned out to be wrong. Every time I went in, it ended up helping me and eventually things got better.

 

[Lysis]

I've lost a job too due to private issues...not drugs but dealing with the death of a drug user. It kinda wakes you up, but you can overcome it. For me, it gave me the determination to set up shop for myself and move on from corporate. I realize not everyone can do that, but you can use it as a positive motivator to make changes in your life.

 

[lozgod]

I've lost a job too due to private issues...not drugs but dealing with the death of a drug user. It kinda wakes you up, but you can overcome it. For me, it gave me the determination to set up shop for myself and move on from corporate. I realize not everyone can do that, but you can use it as a positive motivator to make changes in your life.

Thanks for saying that. Well said and makes a lot of sense.

 

[JimLovesOxies]

Try not to beat yourself up about it, it' happens. Feel lucky to be getting 400 a week unemployment, I work my ass off and am lucky to bring home 400 every two weeks, maybe getting on suboxone or subutex would be of benefit? I'm a recovering addict aswell, used to boot the raw diesel, and its all fun and games til you cash in your life savings and life insurance policy for it. Keep your chin up man, you realize when you've hit the fuckin bottom of the barrell of joy, the only way you can go is up. you feel me?

 

[SilverFeniks]

Warning to those new to opiates. It's fun in the beginning but it comes with a high price. I never thought it could happen to me. I always swore I would control the drugs, not let them control me, and all those other lies to myself I made myself believe....
Swore it would only be a weekend thing, then a few times a week, then daily but only what I could afford.

I haven't risen as high, nor fallen as far, as you, but I can relate perfectly to the above-quoted statement ... I'd been using a wide variety of drugs for ~2 years before Oxy completely vanquished my self-control.
Wasn't an overnight thing, but like an iceberg melting, my control over the pills slowly melted away.
This bled over into other aspects of my life, something I am still dealing with 6 years later.

 

[Receptor Bound]

When using opiates, there is a point in time where you go from controlling the drug to the drug controlling you. Obviously, us addicts never see this transition but man if only I could of somehow 'felt' that change I would of made changes long ago.

Very true though - fun @ first...good fucking times in-fact however, all that changes quite quickly. I think a clear wake-up call is when you graduate from one opiate to a stronger opiate (e.g. Oxies to Heroin). I knew I was moving up the ladder of addiction but not once did I contemplate this decision. It seemed "right." How wrong it was though.

Drugs ruin lives...in all aspects. Jobs, relationships, possessions...all lost. The simple fact of having to rebuild from the ground up is enough to cause a relapse on its' own. Just gotta stay strong. It's hard to realize a reality without drugs but it exists. Hell, every single one of us lived life without drugs at some point and I don't think it was anywhere near as bad as we have it now.

Take care,
R*B

 

[Soap MacTavish]

...us addicts never see this transition...

That's the sad truth right there. Add to that underdeveloped or damaged impulse control and an overpowering ego that hides the truth from you (denial). And yeah we crash planes into mountains, as I have done more than once. Too bad intelligence has nothing to do with this affliction.

The simple fact of having to rebuild from the ground up is enough to cause a relapse on its' own.

Yeah this thought kept me shooting for quite some time and the few moments I saw a point of escape this was the go-to thought my ego used to keep me hooked and beaten down.

to the OP, at this point in your opioid career, you are basically your own worst enemy. If you seriously want to get clean the best bet is rehab where you wont be alone.

 

[unsettled]

I've relied on some sort of drug since I was fifteen, I work as a professional musician and the line between work and play gets very blurry some may say non-existant at times. I've experienced much loss from drugs but in a weird way I've gotten used to it. When you work in a creative field you learn early on to live humbly and cheaply but I do go through periods where I get paid very well for what I do, or at least a few hundred bucks a night when things are going good. When you have an addict mind like mine that money is like nothing, it's like I forget that I've worked my whole life to be able to play music and get gigs that actually pay my rent. I should save during up periods but I never do, maybe I'll wise up now that I'm 31, hopefully.

So I guess I haven't experienced the extreme ups and downs that you have because I've always lived the way I do now, I guess I'm just used to struggling. I used to blow all my money on alcohol and pills, but these days when I indulge it's definitely opiates, no doubt about it, they grab a ahold of you and before you know it they are controlling you. I think I've always found some kind of romance to the way I live which I don't always think is healthy. My career has managed to progress even with the drugs, I've found it's a fine line that I have to walk to keep everything going. I'm better now than I used to be but I still have an opiate addiction/obsession that could so easily steal everything, I don't use most of the other drugs that used to cause me trouble, barely even drink anymore. I think maybe us addictive types need the drama or stimulation of it all, I don't know, I've always found when my life gets too normal I get too bored and do something self destructive.

As far as the karma thing for selling drugs I don't know if I'd think of it that way, people are going to buy drugs anyway, it's only our government that says they are bad, legal or illegal I think people will always use drugs. Some will use responsibly and others will fuck up their lives with drugs, I don't think of drug dealers as the enemy, I mean to a certain extent the drug user chooses to buy those drugs. Those people that you think you hurt would have been hurt anyway in my opinion.

Anyway, yes, I agree, opiates will grab you by the balls and not let go, I've been learning this the hard way. I'm thinking about suboxone at the moment, I'm in therapy and see a psychiatrist so I'm not completely ignoring my predicament. Thanks for sharing your story!

 

[Soap MacTavish]

^I'm 35 and still fucking up. Age also has nothing to do with this affliction. We actually don't get wiser, the disease, or affliction, or whatever you call addiction, is progressive and always gets worse, never better. Just sayin. I wouldn't hang your hopes on your age.

 

[lozgod]

^I'm 35 and still fucking up. Age also has nothing to do with this affliction. We actually don't get wiser, the disease, or affliction, or whatever you call addiction, is progressive and always gets worse, never better. Just sayin. I wouldn't hang your hopes on your age.

Yeah, but it's different fucking up at 36 than 26 and 16. Time doesn't wait or stop for you to get it together. Continue and at 46 then 56, then you live long enough to see 66 you are too weak to work hard to survive, SS may not be around, you never saved for retirement, your life is planned for you. Die alone and broke. Or remain alive and think about the talent you wasted. There's some dumb addicts but most are smart. A lot are intelligent, or athletic. I look at people that made something out of themselves with a resentment sometimes. Like I am just as smart or smarter than you but I was born with this disorder of emptiness and an inability to be satisfied and you get to smile while I get to suffer.

No one forced the drugs on me. No one put a gun to my head but despite my addiction I am still intelligent and talented. I may never get to realize my potential because of this. I used to think being born gay was BS but I believe it now because I know I was born an addict. I was always looking to fill a void since childhood and drugs filled that spot. From liquor, to weed, to coke, and finally opiates.

I can't lie. I do feel sorry for myself. I think I have that right. It is very counter productive and self destructive to feel that way but I do. I'm happy for people that don't have to live with self pity or shame but I wish they would keep that opinion to themselves instead of trying to tell you not to feel sorry for yourself you did it to yourself. I do not think you can judge anyone for their actions because you do not know what it going on in their head. You don't know if they wake up with a spiritual or emotional pain that they are willing to lose it all for to escape. I'm high right now. Nothing hurts. Everything feels all right while the world crumbles around me. But you know what? When everything was going great AROUND me, inside I fel the same with and without the drugs as my world falls apart. They can't understand that.

I could of been born in some piss poor country and had it worse, my problems may not be as bad as some 4 year old starving in Africa or what not, but they are mine. They are the worse in the world because I have to live with them. I can't live for the starving kid so I can't say his problem is worse. I can't experience it first hand.

At the same time I am trying. I haven't given up. I'm looking for a solution with the limited resources I have right now. In the great scheme of things we are a small part of a universe. We don't matter and are tiny compared to what's "out there". There's a whole universe. There's a global conspiracy of billionaires that own this country and the politicians and we are slaves to them. Species are being exterminated by humans. I mean the world is a cruel place. On top of all of that I was born with an inability to be happy. In opiates I found a solution to all of that. I can't change anything but opiates allow me to feel happiness in spite of it all, well I used to be able to. Now it's just another on a long list of hardships in this thing called life. It ain't fucking fair. Call it feeling sorry for myself but I call it as I see it for what it is.

I don't know if I am making sense right now or if anyone can relate but that's what is going through my head right now.

 

[pnut3844]

man it pisses me off to know end when people call addiction "a disease". its not a disease you cant catch it or contract it, its something you do to yourself. its not inheritable or passable to your kids. stop labeling it all pretty please. and yes i have been addicted before so i know what its like. you dont say that smokers addicted to nicotine have a disease do you? just please stop mislabeling it.

 

[NoOnesHome]

lol, not to belittle your situation or anything but I work a full time job and can only bring home 600 every two weeks. And I've got to somehow try to pay a lawyer and have all kinds of legal shit coming up from my foolish drug use.

Worst of all I'll probably lose my job too if I go to jail, and as crappy of a job as it is I'm going to be trying to think of some way to keep it because a job is a job and without a degree (and soon no license) I'm not going to be able to be too picky.

For the record, I was an opiate addict myself and know exactly what you're talking about though. It is a slippery slope, but honestly I knew I was playing with fire when I started using them. I just didn't care, I was looking for any way possible to medicate myself from the pain that I feel on a daily basis (mostly physical pain). I'm regretting it now, I could have started to pay my way through school with all the money that I wasted on drugs over the past 5 years.

Ouch. that's harsh.
Being burned sucks... we love our fire tho

 

[unsettled]

You can also work and be responsible and plan for the future your whole life, not be an addict and still end up fucked financially or otherwise, there are no guarantees in this life. Obviously conquering a drug addiction dramatically increases your chances at succeeding, but drugs alone are only one factor of many.

I too have always had trouble feeling naturally happy, I've always had to go to extremes or drugs to find contentment, I've never been sufficiently satisfied with the simple things that many people seem to be satisfied with. I do have to say I don't feel sorry for myself, I have learned to own my decisions and take responsibility for my actions and decisions... I've found this works best for me, even when I fuck up as long as I'm honest about it and take responsibility for it I find that the bridges don't burn like they would if I didn't face up to whatever the situation may be.

I do agree that this whole addiction process only gets worse the longer you go with it however if you know it's a problem and work on it you greatly increase your chances of overcoming your problems. I also agree that the consequences for fucking up in your twenties are different than the consequences of fucking up in your thirties, people expect you to fuck up in your twenties, but not as much in your thirties and forties. Bottom line is that anyone can get their life back at any time no matter their age or position in life if they do the work they need to do to get to where they want to be.

Just my two cents.

 

[Orangutangpsychopa]

I want to not blame it on the drug use but indirectly it is related. I lost my job. Due to absenteeism. My car broke down and I missed a week of work, a couple months ago I missed 6 weeks do to a surgery. Cry babies in my department said they had to work harder due to me not being there, etc. etc.

Had I not had a drug habit I could of afforded a rental car or something while my car was being fixed. I am pretty sure I will get unemployment but going from $5-7 grand a month to $410 a week is going to be an adjustment until I find something else. Then I have to have a clean urine to get a job so I have to stay clean long enough to accomplish that.

Having the disease of addiction makes life so much harder. People that don't have it think it's just a matter of quitting. They don't know the agony of withdrawal or the emptiness left when the drugs go.

I'll get by on the bills for a while. I am not worried about that. Seen it coming and paid my rent up a couple months ahead and paid my credit cards to zero balance so I won't starve or be homeless (for now) I am just tired of this life, tired enough to complain, not tired enough to do something about it.

I love getting hi. I just hate the consequences. Not brave enough to kill myself, not strong enough to quit getting hi.

Just ranting. I got some prospects on employment. A couple of very good ones but if I don't reach the point where I desire to be clean more than the desire to use this will be a lifetime of ups and downs all for the sake of getting hi. I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me and I can't figure it out. Opiates entered my life and seemed like a Godsend for a while, now they are the devil and the devil is the most charming mother fucker in the universe. (Not religous or meaning to sound religous, just using it as a metaphor).

I actually did manage to get 5 days clean a few weeks ago. The withdrawal was pretty much done (physically) and I volunteered to go back to "the life".

Warning to those new to opiates. It's fun in the beginning but it comes with a high price. I never thought it could happen to me. I always swore I would control the drugs, not let them control me, and all those other lies to myself I made myself believe. To each their own but I wish this path in life on no one. My worst enemy doesn't deserve what the world of opiates comes with. It is a world of feeling great, then good, then you experience a runny nose, a metallic taste in your throat, watery eyes, a weird new type of sadness and anxiety, diarehha and restless leg syndrome one night and have no idea why. You get paid and all of a sudden the RLS and runs disappear and you realize it's too late and you have to use everyday. That's my experience anyway. I remember making a Doctor's appointment for the RLS and drinking bottles of Pepto not realizing what was really going on. What I thought could never happen to me had happened. I noticed when I had my percs I had no more problems.

My suggestion is to never ever try it if you got an addictive type of personality. It starts out feeling good, then one day it beomes you just feel bad without them. The good feeling leaves and never comes back.

Swore it would only be a weekend thing, then a few times a week, then daily but only what I could afford. I wouldn't disregard my bills. Then paying my bills based on the color of the envelope. Then borrowing money from people I love knowing I couldn't pay them back. Then the town house, the Benz, the job, the girlfriend, it all went away. Then I was broke, forced to go throuh withdrawal. Got clean. Got my life back in order. Now I am back to no job. It is a cycle that never changes if you have this disease of addiction. I believe it is a disease, or insanity. No sane person would do this to themselves.

I've done most of the "I'll nevers". I'd never get addicted, I'd never lose everything, I'd never fuck over people I love, I'd never do heroin, then I'd never shoot up. The only I nevers I got left are suicide, OD, or commit a crime for drugs.

I went to prison years ago when I was on the other side. I sold drugs, not nicks and dimes either. I was a high roller 15 years ago. I probably ruined so many lives and thought 4 years in prison was my pay back to that bitch called kharma but she wasn't done. She allowed me to accomplish great things in life that seemed like dreams coming from where I'm from. I only got a GED, came from a dysfunctional family, felony record etc. Pretty much had every excuse a junkie uses. I made it in to the corporate world in spite of that. I've had a 6 figure income, I've had many dimes in my day (women wise). And kharma waited and waited until my dreams came true and repaid me for the lives I ruined when I was selling the same shit that is ruining my life now.

Wow. Long rant. Thanks for reading if you bothered to do so. I don't feel sorry for myself, this isn't a pity party. This is just my experience with opiates. Maybe I can spare someone this sorrow by saying this, maybe not. I am just taking a shot at trying to make some wrongs right I guess. I wish this on no one. No person deserves this. When someone tells you how great those yellow 10s feel play the tape through. This is my story. Yours may end different but your best shot is to never get involved with this shit.

That's hilarious, not to offend, they showed those kind of persons in TV too at the financial depression 90s. Almost like The Simpsons character type explain. Booze is the answer and so on. Some freaks, it's a small country, tried explain all possibles, withdrawal comes just after a week and where to get medicines and all weird shit. Almost like that Rauni-Leena Luukanen, a UFO doctor who had those (before disappeared) rage attacks against questionnaire normal people. They were hilarious times, almost as golden ages they were. Does they ease pain BTW?