Well I am back on the wagon again

[phactor]

Yesterday, after being up for the 3rd day from a Phenibut withdrawal (which I was mediating with alcohol in amounts I was very uncomfortable with) I realized that it was time to really come clean to myself and admit that my six month "controlled drinking" experiment had A: Never really felt right and B: was on a dangerous path C: Was fucking up my life. I came clean to my family (again) and they are very supportive. I just cannot keep doing this shit. Its not worth it, and I have way to much to give then to let drugs ruin it. Was my two years sober perfect? Fuck no. I was bored and depressed. But now I am still bored and depressed. I started out okay, then soon veered off course. Then once again it became "how do I get off and get this under control."

Well, it looks like I cannot get it under control. I need to stop abusing my body. Thankfully this time around the use was much shorter so the WD is not bad. I did go to the ER yesterday, just to get checked up (as I have seized once before). They gave me a small script of ativan that should tide me over, or at least keep me from seizing. It and the clonidine are holding me for the most part, but the insomnia is really getting too me. Tried to get into the doctors today, but the office was closed. Called the place where I am having my assessment done and they are having a nurse call me back. I really haven't slept much in over 5 days. Who knows what she can do for me?

Anyways, I should be able to go to work tomorrow. I plan on attending outpatient services. Now, I am not super crazy about the place we have in town, but I gotta make it work for now.

I am angry, relieved, excited, ashamed, ready to go and so glad that I have a supportive family. Just had to get this out there.

Over the past 12 years of my drug use, all I have proven to myself is that I can manage a habit and hardly function. I have a college degree, have worked in the field that I am interested in and enjoy (but only on the lowest levels). It has also felt "wrong" for at least a good half of that time (which really tells me how much of an addictive personality I have, I kept using for years and years while feeling uncomfortable about it). I know I need to get a masters degree and can easily do so much more with my life. Time for me to get real and grow up.

I have been clean before and can do it again. I am not going to beat myself over this relapse. It was dumb of me to think I could beat it, that I was different. But hopefully this is the final lesson that I need to learn.

 

[spork]

((phactor))

I'm glad you've come to realize that you can't just drink and that you're able to see what you need to do to move on and not dwell on your relapse. That takes a very strong person to do all of those things. Keep working on you and your dreams will come true.

 

[phactor]

Thanks Spork, hope you are doing well.

I have an assessment setup for the 23rd, I am going to try very hard to go see a Doctor before my appointment on Friday in regards to my insomnia issue (it is compounded by me having actual sleep issues in and of itself, will be getting a sleep study down the road).

Still not the biggest fan of AA/NA but I will give it another try if required by the outpatient or physiatrist. I doubt this needs an inpatient stay, and I really cannot afford to lose my job right now as they have great insurance and it is in the career field in which I want to advance.

Work is likely going to suck tommorrow, but I have been through far far worse then this. The ativan should hold me from getting anything too bothersome.

Need to start working out again, mediate, maybe try to find some sort of spiritual place that I actual feel like I belong. Most of my friends will be supportive, but I need to make some new ones as well. I was very lonely during my last year sober. Right now I just need to focus on getting through these next difficult days and get back on some proper meds. I am so glad that I am not going to have to go back on to Suboxone anymore.

 

[cj]

Get well man. sending you positive vibes.

 

[phactor]

Get well man. sending you positive vibes.

Thanks man, I appreciate it. I actually feel pretty confident and now that I can get through this. I am glad I caught it this soon.

Physically feeling much better now... took a nice hot bath. Will take another bath before bed, going to feed and walk the dog. Eat some dinner and will try to hop on the elliptical downstairs for at least 10-20 minutes. I'd walk the dog longer, but it is just too fucking cold right now.

Another thing.. I am just getting too old for this physical WD shit. Kids, I can tell you that I am in my late 20s and there is a significant difference in how fast I can W/D and recover. My first few W/Ds were coming off some pretty heavy habits, but looking back on it the effects were nothing. It wasn't until my last big W/D where I really got super bad. This one has been pretty forgiving and appears like it will stay that way, but I was going insane until I bit the bullet and decided to go to the ER to get checked out. I will not chance my health like that again.

And I am so glad that I have a supportive family who will provide me a place to do this and not judge me.

 

[phactor]

Slept better last night, feel a little anxious for work but I made sure I had set out my clothes, located my keys, packed my lunch etc before I left. Going to try to get to an addiction specialist doctor today, but if not I will go to an NA meeting tonight. I always liked those better. I am also going to try to skip my afternoon ativan dose.

My job is pretty low stress... doesn't pay well at all but the benefits are fricking awesome.

I am not going to drink or use today. Anyways, everyone have a great day.

 

[quaff]

One day at a time, I'm sure you can do it.

 

[phactor]

Ended up only halving my afternoon ativan dose, but a step is a step. I do not have many left (I have been taking as directed). I doubt I was ever in any real danger of a seizure this time around, but once that happens to you its something you never want to experience again. Kids... do not take your wellbutrin if you are in withdrawal.

Anyways, I did hit up the meeting, it was okay. I remembered why I like NA over AA at the very least. I am actually feeling pretty damn sleepy tonight. Which is the first time in awhile. Got a little panicky last night over the outpatient treatment, its still hard to accept that I need to go get more help but I know I do.

 

[bagochina]

Good luck phactor.

 

[phactor]

Thanks for the well wishes everyone. I feel better and better everyday. I worry about money (I am employed, just do not make much) but I have to believe that it will all work out. Anyways, I have my assessment today. I am pretty sure they will recommend intensive outpatient (something like three times a week). They have classes in the evening, so that will work.

 

[Sepher]

Yep, best of luck with it Phactor. I tried something like controlled drinking for so long, mainly by limiting the money I had available every day through the week, so I could only buy minimal amounts to try and keep my job safe, then going off the deep end at weekends. It never worked for me either, it was still reinforcing the addictive behaviours and the physical aspects of the addiction itself. Luckily never had full-on DT-like withdrawals but pretty much all the symptoms commonly listed under the PAWS umbrella for months afterwards, hope very much you find that's not the case here for you. Insomnia was a killer for me too, not a great sleeper at the best of times either, had it real bad for months, the GP refusing to prescribe anything for it but luckily that seems to have settled down now into a more liveable with sleeping pattern. The other stuff was dealable with so long as I had some sleep so good you've got some help available there it seems going forward. Wish you every success beating this mate.

 

[herbavore]

Phactor, reading and practicing mindfulness could really help you right now. For me it covers a lot of needs, both spiritual and practical. I think that when you are going through one of these deep life transitions, it is easy to get tangled up in all the necessary introspection; mindfulness, for me at least, brings such simplicity to the table.

I hope the assessment goes well.

 

[fifleman]

Phactor, reading and practicing mindfulness could really help you right now. For me it covers a lot of needs, both spiritual and practical. I think that when you are going through one of these deep life transitions, it is easy to get tangled up in all the necessary introspection; mindfulness, for me at least, brings such simplicity to the table.

I hope the assessment goes well.

I wholeheartedly agree. A Buddhist mentality of the Middle Way helps me deal with prior obsessive thoughts. This way I am not extreme to one side or the next, I find the middle that works for me and will keep me sane and healthy. Being mindful allows me to simplify how and what I'm feeling and if it's even important to the moment. I work on my mind every day because it is the source of all my problems.

 

[Pagey]

Congrats on your decision to quit, as well on coming clean to your family - that's a very brave thing to do and something I'd never have the guts to manage.
It sounds like you're really determined to get through with it this time, and that's what matters. It's rare to manage to quit an addiction on the first try, but with every relapse or setback we grow more determined and better at it - and eventually that's enough to make it work.

 

[DrunkardsDream]

Good luck.

 

[phactor]

I wholeheartedly agree. A Buddhist mentality of the Middle Way helps me deal with prior obsessive thoughts. This way I am not extreme to one side or the next, I find the middle that works for me and will keep me sane and healthy. Being mindful allows me to simplify how and what I'm feeling and if it's even important to the moment. I work on my mind every day because it is the source of all my problems.

I am actually reading a book called "The Zen of Recovery" by Mel Ash and that spends quite some time discussing the Middle Path/Way... I have always been interested in spiritualism, especially Buddhism since I was very young (my dad kinda played around with it when I was really young). I have kind of lost all that for many years, I have always cared strongly and all my jobs have involved taking care of other people (mainly children). Problem is I can get very sensitive and feel pain when others suffer, so I need to learn how to manage that a bit better.

I know I still have it in there, and I know I need to foster it. Thinking of going to a Unitarian Universalist service this Sunday. There is also a Vipassana Meditation Center nearby that offers 10 day courses (obviously, I need to take care of some bigger issues before that) and several other meditation centers that are only a 45-60 minute drive. I obviously have a huge void I need to fill. Hopefully, I can find a good way to work this into my program.

I plan to start exercising again (at one point I was pretty built and in shape) and eating properly again. My appetite always goes to shit when I am drinking/using.

Anyways, the assessment was a standard assessment. The program I am getting involved in is for those in "sensitive occupations", which is the same type of program I got clean in last time (lots of doctors, lawyers, priests, teachers etc). I also plan on trying to re-establish contact with some of my friends in the Chicagoland recovery community. I just really emphasized that I was really ready to go, and wanted to start ASAP. I will keep going to NA meetings nightly until it starts.

Like I said, money is a bit of a worry. But I have great insurance which is awesome. I have been laid off and uninsured and it really sucked. I also am sure I could get some help from my family if I really need it in the form of a loan, but they have done enough for me. They just need to keep supporting me which they will.

Anyways, not sure why I am writing this. Just feel like putting it out there. Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful comments and well wishes.

 

[fifleman]

It sounds like you're a very compassionate person. Compassion and empathy helps me get out of my head and to clearly communicate with others so there are no muddled thoughts in my mind that I walk away with.

I would completely recommend that you continue what you want to explore spirituality-wise. I'm a spiritual person to begin with and I have found my own path through Buddhism and the dealings of day-to-day life sober. I am not a Buddhist because I am not ready and may never be, but they teachings and simplicity offset my old, raging, obsessive mind.

I want to encourage finding your own path in recovery. That doesn't mean doing it on your own or on your own terms. But, when you're truly ready, you will begin to find what is fluid for you. For years I felt wrong for not jiving with the 12 steps (though they're a Buddhist mentality for me). I felt that I wouldn't be sober because I didn't vibe with the steps and everything that was being asked of me. Finally, I made the decision to start a new life, and it was going to utilize what helps me. I attend two AA meetings I enjoy and SMART Recovery and have sober friends who have stayed there for a host of different reasons. Whatever makes you happy.

Trust yourself in sobriety and you will gain support in ways you may not have thought of.