Ok, I took a break from this so if I repeat myself, sorry. Plus I’m going to make it shorter. My memory is shit and always has been.
Anyway, so my grandma’s lymphoma is back and is spreading to her spleen and god knows where else. The shock kinda set in after that when my mom was telling me about it. I couldn’t imagine losing her. She is my hero, the one person I truly look up to and want to be like. Almost no one can walk into her house without giving her a hug, and she will give you one even if you don’t want one.
I know someday we will lose the people we love the most, trust me I’ve been learning that all too well in the death and dying class. But I’m not ready to face that. There was a quote from a video we watched that hit me hard. Something like, when we finally bury someone, we are forced to accept the truth that we will NEVER see them again in this life time. I know deep down we all know that. But I think of the people I’ve lost and the people I could lose and what I would give to see the ones lost and never lose the ones I love. (The downfall that became the evil of Darth Vader right? Ha-ha too much Star Wars)
Anyway, I ended up writing her just a letter about how much she means to me and how strong I see she is and how much I love her. I know its not like she is FOR SURE going to die and I know it’s kinda morbid, but so many seem to regret what they never said. Plus I wanted something to warm her heart and make her smile when she got home from the hospital and all that chemo. Who knows, perhaps it could help her pain. Lord knows she would never admit she was in much pain at all.
Anyway, back to the week. I’ll make it a bit short since my memory sucks so bad and it was almost 3 weeks ago now. I suffered more panic attacks that week that I had in god knows how long. I started to get pain in my back teeth. Sean had been noticing my jaw swelling at night off and on but I just blew it off. I know I have cracked back teeth from car accidents. I think it’s one with the air bag coming under my chin so hard that it ripped all the skin off my neck that may have done it. But finally I had to try my hardest to get into the dentist. I was REALLY hoping for some painkillers. Oh not to mention perhaps a boost to dull the fact I got a FREAKING D on my exam. I don’t remember the last time I did THAT bad and its BVU! Guess that’s what I get for thinking its all too easy and I don’t need to study. I’m praying for a B in the course but at this rate I’d settle for a C.
I had been taking the ones for my headaches to help the tooth pain (that shit sucks) but they were loading with so much caffeine that I stayed up all night before going to work on Friday. I stayed late at work to TRY to get all my work done. But I couldn’t perhaps I was dragging. I have no idea. But I told them I HAD to leave. It was the ONLY way they would get me in before the weekend and I couldn’t deal with this over the freaking weekend. So I left work. The Dr said that I have been clenching my jaw, cracking my teeth further and bruising them. Hmm stress and Tramadol is my guess. But she gave me this guard to wear to move the pressure off my back teeth and sent me on my way. Jesus I can’t get shit sometimes. Oh and while I was in the dentist office it raining like freaking crazy. I had left my window down. There was a inch or more of water in my door and it took a few days for my driver’s seat to dry out!
I forget the order but, work sucking more, I find out that they took my assigned job away from me for this current week (June 21st) and made me do the one I HATE. Plus cutting my hours down to 3. At this point, in light over other recent events. Not good. Plus Sean and I had a fight and it was pretty damn hurtful but I’m not going to get into it. Oh yeah and leaving Sunday night, I almost fell down the stairs. I tried to catch myself and jammed another toe on the same foot I ran into the door with Monday! It actually still freaking hurts!
I think that brings me to the next week.
Sorry to say didn’t start much better. I didn’t get to see Sean for the whole week. I forget what it was that kept us apart. I think I he thought I should try to stay late at work (didn’t happen) or at least try to spend time with friends since I have missed that so much. Work sucked at usual. I had to go BACK to the dentist because now my front teeth hurt because the pressure was on them. But at least when I was at work I had PROOF I did really need to go to the dentist with this new clear guard I wore. Dentist said I should wear it when I’m under stress and when I sleep. Well I think work counts as stress! Fast forward to Thursday night. Still no Sean, school just sucked ass. So I texted a ex bf who I was still friends with and thought I’d go see him since he was at the bar. I got there around 10pm. And here is where the fun begins and everything gets a little complicated.
Anyway, so my grandma’s lymphoma is back and is spreading to her spleen and god knows where else. The shock kinda set in after that when my mom was telling me about it. I couldn’t imagine losing her. She is my hero, the one person I truly look up to and want to be like. Almost no one can walk into her house without giving her a hug, and she will give you one even if you don’t want one.
I know someday we will lose the people we love the most, trust me I’ve been learning that all too well in the death and dying class. But I’m not ready to face that. There was a quote from a video we watched that hit me hard. Something like, when we finally bury someone, we are forced to accept the truth that we will NEVER see them again in this life time. I know deep down we all know that. But I think of the people I’ve lost and the people I could lose and what I would give to see the ones lost and never lose the ones I love. (The downfall that became the evil of Darth Vader right? Ha-ha too much Star Wars)
Anyway, I ended up writing her just a letter about how much she means to me and how strong I see she is and how much I love her. I know its not like she is FOR SURE going to die and I know it’s kinda morbid, but so many seem to regret what they never said. Plus I wanted something to warm her heart and make her smile when she got home from the hospital and all that chemo. Who knows, perhaps it could help her pain. Lord knows she would never admit she was in much pain at all.
Anyway, back to the week. I’ll make it a bit short since my memory sucks so bad and it was almost 3 weeks ago now. I suffered more panic attacks that week that I had in god knows how long. I started to get pain in my back teeth. Sean had been noticing my jaw swelling at night off and on but I just blew it off. I know I have cracked back teeth from car accidents. I think it’s one with the air bag coming under my chin so hard that it ripped all the skin off my neck that may have done it. But finally I had to try my hardest to get into the dentist. I was REALLY hoping for some painkillers. Oh not to mention perhaps a boost to dull the fact I got a FREAKING D on my exam. I don’t remember the last time I did THAT bad and its BVU! Guess that’s what I get for thinking its all too easy and I don’t need to study. I’m praying for a B in the course but at this rate I’d settle for a C.
I had been taking the ones for my headaches to help the tooth pain (that shit sucks) but they were loading with so much caffeine that I stayed up all night before going to work on Friday. I stayed late at work to TRY to get all my work done. But I couldn’t perhaps I was dragging. I have no idea. But I told them I HAD to leave. It was the ONLY way they would get me in before the weekend and I couldn’t deal with this over the freaking weekend. So I left work. The Dr said that I have been clenching my jaw, cracking my teeth further and bruising them. Hmm stress and Tramadol is my guess. But she gave me this guard to wear to move the pressure off my back teeth and sent me on my way. Jesus I can’t get shit sometimes. Oh and while I was in the dentist office it raining like freaking crazy. I had left my window down. There was a inch or more of water in my door and it took a few days for my driver’s seat to dry out!
I forget the order but, work sucking more, I find out that they took my assigned job away from me for this current week (June 21st) and made me do the one I HATE. Plus cutting my hours down to 3. At this point, in light over other recent events. Not good. Plus Sean and I had a fight and it was pretty damn hurtful but I’m not going to get into it. Oh yeah and leaving Sunday night, I almost fell down the stairs. I tried to catch myself and jammed another toe on the same foot I ran into the door with Monday! It actually still freaking hurts!
I think that brings me to the next week.
Sorry to say didn’t start much better. I didn’t get to see Sean for the whole week. I forget what it was that kept us apart. I think I he thought I should try to stay late at work (didn’t happen) or at least try to spend time with friends since I have missed that so much. Work sucked at usual. I had to go BACK to the dentist because now my front teeth hurt because the pressure was on them. But at least when I was at work I had PROOF I did really need to go to the dentist with this new clear guard I wore. Dentist said I should wear it when I’m under stress and when I sleep. Well I think work counts as stress! Fast forward to Thursday night. Still no Sean, school just sucked ass. So I texted a ex bf who I was still friends with and thought I’d go see him since he was at the bar. I got there around 10pm. And here is where the fun begins and everything gets a little complicated.