Now then. An online journal entry. I haven't done one of these in YEARS. I always wanted to be able to blog well. I just can't though. My thoughts and ideas are erratic and troubling at times and I don't really feel like anyone needs to see them...
I'm on annual leave from work. Just three days. Life's exhausting me at the moment which is suprising as this is one of the most quiet times I've had in a long time. These periods of respite from dramatic times are never appreciated at the time. I figured a few days to sew my soul back to my body would be useful. I'll return to work on Monday and pray to whatever deity is listening that I have renewed energy to get through it until I've figured out where I'm really going.
Between the ages of 28 and 30 I seem to have gone through a period of abandonment. I blame myself mostly, I've been aggressively full on and there were a lot of people in my life that were really bad for me. I might not have a lot of people in my life now but I feel more secure because the ones who have stuck around (who were the ones I didn't expect to) have been loyal which means a lot. There's a few I've lost who I miss badly. Some of them are still under the same sky... and sadly a few have returned to the earth. I guess that's the cycle of life though and all I can do is hold each and every one close to my heart. Anyone who finds their way back will always find home with me. Good friends are too precious not to forgive.
There's this thing called Saturn Return that I think my life has been going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return
I know it sounds like pretentious hippy bullshit but I genuinely feel like things have changed since I turned 30 in July. In many ways I'm growing more mature and I'm more level-headed. I've been able to admit to myself that I've treated people in my life badly and that I did it through lack of attention to what was going on rather than deliberate spite. My heart hurts for some of the things that I did to others and it also hurts for what other people did to me. I take responsibility though. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them... and it was always easier for me to play the victim than stand up to someone.
I'm looking after myself a bit better now. I've got a problem with my blood pressure (diastolic) which I need to take medication for. I've been diagnosed with a metabolic problem which means my diet is going to change drastically. For someone who loves their food... it's going to be hard.
There's this yearning in my soul to get a cottage in the country, a dog, and grow vegetables and herbs in a beautiful garden. I want to sit in front of an open fire and knit while listening to Radio 2. I want to look after my friends and my family. I want to go to music festivals but go to bed before 10am in the morning.
Has my life been so incredibly shallow? All those nights up until dawn, sitting round a campfire with virtual strangers, making new friends and hearing the most incredible life stories. All I can do is be joyful that some of those friendships have lasted and have inspired me to look at life differently. The bad times have shown me that the festivals and raves are not a lifestyle I want to be completely submerged in... I'd rather record it for posterity in words and photographs. I'm alternative but I'm not extreme enough to believe in anything completely. I probably would have made a good journalist, I prefer to sit back and observe.
A quote from Almost Famous from legendary "Band Aid" Miss Penny Lane
"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."
Well, I don't know why I'm writing this journal entry other than I don't have many people to talk to these days... and sometimes it's just nice to record how I feel at a moment in time.
I sometimes think my heart will never be full and that I could go on loving the world forever and ever. My heart, the loving abyss.
I'm on annual leave from work. Just three days. Life's exhausting me at the moment which is suprising as this is one of the most quiet times I've had in a long time. These periods of respite from dramatic times are never appreciated at the time. I figured a few days to sew my soul back to my body would be useful. I'll return to work on Monday and pray to whatever deity is listening that I have renewed energy to get through it until I've figured out where I'm really going.
Between the ages of 28 and 30 I seem to have gone through a period of abandonment. I blame myself mostly, I've been aggressively full on and there were a lot of people in my life that were really bad for me. I might not have a lot of people in my life now but I feel more secure because the ones who have stuck around (who were the ones I didn't expect to) have been loyal which means a lot. There's a few I've lost who I miss badly. Some of them are still under the same sky... and sadly a few have returned to the earth. I guess that's the cycle of life though and all I can do is hold each and every one close to my heart. Anyone who finds their way back will always find home with me. Good friends are too precious not to forgive.
There's this thing called Saturn Return that I think my life has been going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return
I know it sounds like pretentious hippy bullshit but I genuinely feel like things have changed since I turned 30 in July. In many ways I'm growing more mature and I'm more level-headed. I've been able to admit to myself that I've treated people in my life badly and that I did it through lack of attention to what was going on rather than deliberate spite. My heart hurts for some of the things that I did to others and it also hurts for what other people did to me. I take responsibility though. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them... and it was always easier for me to play the victim than stand up to someone.
I'm looking after myself a bit better now. I've got a problem with my blood pressure (diastolic) which I need to take medication for. I've been diagnosed with a metabolic problem which means my diet is going to change drastically. For someone who loves their food... it's going to be hard.
There's this yearning in my soul to get a cottage in the country, a dog, and grow vegetables and herbs in a beautiful garden. I want to sit in front of an open fire and knit while listening to Radio 2. I want to look after my friends and my family. I want to go to music festivals but go to bed before 10am in the morning.
Has my life been so incredibly shallow? All those nights up until dawn, sitting round a campfire with virtual strangers, making new friends and hearing the most incredible life stories. All I can do is be joyful that some of those friendships have lasted and have inspired me to look at life differently. The bad times have shown me that the festivals and raves are not a lifestyle I want to be completely submerged in... I'd rather record it for posterity in words and photographs. I'm alternative but I'm not extreme enough to believe in anything completely. I probably would have made a good journalist, I prefer to sit back and observe.
A quote from Almost Famous from legendary "Band Aid" Miss Penny Lane
"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."
Well, I don't know why I'm writing this journal entry other than I don't have many people to talk to these days... and sometimes it's just nice to record how I feel at a moment in time.
I sometimes think my heart will never be full and that I could go on loving the world forever and ever. My heart, the loving abyss.