BCF-thanks mate. And yeah, she was, she was an amazing mind alright. And no offense taken. Its just the fucking curebies I can't stand. The fuckwits that slobber, slack-jawed like imbecilic frogs trying to chew bubblegum the texture of diarrhea, over the 'autism spectrum disorder' paradigm, the NTs who would see us 'cured' and made 'properly functioning' 'normal' hollowed out shells that could come to heel on command and don a mask to pass as the NT kid the parents sucked in by curebyism think they should have had (I for one, if I ever do have kids, I am REALLY hoping that my kids will be autistic or have Asperger's. Although considering that if I do date someone, they are almost invariably autistic [although I've dated some girls who were NT-total disasters in every case lol, and some who had some sort of mental retardation, but weren't autistic, although the latter I have been a lot more comfortable being with than the NTs. The MR girls weren't fucking psycho fuckups like the NT ones usually tended to be ;P, [I'm open minded, important things in my book are consent, and even more importantly, not just their consent, but their desire for a relationship, and my being able to make them happy, thats the important thing to me in such relationships, not only saying 'yeah, sure, go on then' but really having their hearts in it aligned to the same angular momentum as mine own, so to speak. Can be spin up or spin down, just never antiparallel.
As for sovia, it wasn't that she rejected me. She was, well in our fields of work OpSec is important. And, I never got to tell her about my feelings for her, she never knew. Well, she might have figured it out. I just wish she could have heard it coming from my own mouth, if that makes sense, so she would KNOW, not just strongly suspect. She was definitely sweet on me. I did return that, as much as could be, but I wish I'd been given long enough to tell her outright, especially if it might have stayed her hand.
And don't you worry, I do 'carpe noctem', although, since the end of the relationship with the younger of my two former fiancee'es, I've only been in one physical relationship, and it was a trainwreck. I don't know if I can anymore, its been so long, and I miss her too much. Also, something I believe in very, very strongly indeed, is that if a woman is deserving of being loved, cared for, being in a relationship with them, they deserve EVERYTHING I have to give, everything that I am, holding nothing back in terms of what makes me tick. If someone isn't worth that then the relationship is, IMO, not of sufficient importance to enter in the first place. And the flip side of that is, since I lost my soulmate, (different girl entirely from the clandestine chemist chick from eastern europe, this was an english lass, pretty young, profoundly autistic (I can't stand the term 'severely', it makes it sound like a disease, or something wrong with someone. Whereas that wasn't so with my formerly, wife to be. Spesh as hell. But beautifully autistic, gorgeously, sexily so. In fucking spades, she was, just being in a room with her made my blood boil and steam, and my mental processes fly like they were shooting through the air on a solid cocaine dirtbike with handles carved from single crystals of dipropionylmorphine and tyres of gold trim...just so little as her letting me be taken in her arms and her and I walking side by side, arm linked in arm, laughing with each other, generally getting up to all sorts of high-jinx, with the stunning, bubbly, funny, light-headedness-inducing flappy, stimmy human cannonball of a lady with bugger all pretentions whatsoever, and certainly none towards acting in any way lady-like
)
Profound, is exactly what it was, what she is, and for that matter, the seeing of a world through the eyes of a spazz. Not that I've ever had any other eyes to look through of course. Disorder my arse, in short.
But since what we had ended, she still has the rest of me, and I can't very well give a woman her rightful due, if I haven't got that part of me left anymore. I can't give, what I dpn't have. And if its worth a relationship then that part of me she touched, so deeply its stamped with her seal irrevocably. And I can't, as a result, give my all to somebody who deserves to have that. If they don't deserve to have that then the relationship would be irrelevant and pointless ever to even begin. So, unless I do succeed in tracking her back down and managing to hook up with her again then its probably just me on my own until my dying day.
I'll say that much for my former fiancee, she was powerful. Immensely so, there was just this...shit, she was a living, breathing, flapping, twirling human-cannonball-ing and markedly predatory fundamental force of nature. Trying to argue against her bodyslamming me into that tree and forcing her tongue down my throat as her first 'hello' before eventually telling me my name, when I'd recovered physically from the impact and the..well the shock quite honestly, it'd be like my trying to argue with gluons and tell them fuck off and stop being the gauge force mediators between quarks and expecting success. Or my shouting at a lump of protactinium and demand that it stop undergoing spontaneous nuclear decay, and while it was at it, if it did decay, then stop with the conservation of energy. Or demanding that muons never decay, or commanding highly energetic Tau leptons not to produce so much Bremmstrahlung. Such was that girl, that'd be exactly like it.
Pointless as fuck. You can't engage in debate about whether a thunderbolt is going to unleash a searing bolt of superheated plasma and electromagnetic pulse, and you can't very well tame my ex fiancee either. Not that I'd have wanted to. Hell no. That was one of the things I love the most about her, the way she is like her own selfcontained continually detonating thermonuclear explosion in a petite, curvy, profoundly autistic brunette bombshell. (and whattabombshell too....bloody hell. Might have been a little on the young side, if I am a little economical with the figures, but one look from her and she knew it, she knew she had be bang to rights and that I wasn't going anywhere unless it be at her side
)
Make sense, BCF? that I can't give, what was taken and due to circumstance working out wrong, eventually ended. In a way it never should have either. So, looks like I'm a fucking bachelor for the foreseeable, unless I do ever manage to hook back up with her again. And besides there are vanishingly few people who COULD ever even stand in her presence, nevermind equally. Few indeed that could even come close to comparing with even the tiniest whisp of her sheer vivacity and FIRE. Because she really, really was. Is, an inferno unto herself. She isn't 'hot'. Things that are at an extremely elevated temperature are attempting to emulate her nature. Fire and forces are trying to be like her.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
❤