Time tio pull my fucking head into gear. Month after month I run out of medication early and leave myself suffering for up to 3 weeks until I receive my next script. IVing ridiculous amounts of morphine in such short time frames. Using over 500mg in a day sometimes, tolerance sky rocketing and making stabilizing back on tramadol and codeine that much more painful each time. It used to be almost pain free switching back to tramadol. Not now, not now that I’ve picked up my nastiest habit since the fentanyl escapades.
It mightn’t be much compared to a lot of people, but when I’ve got chronic pain and I’m fucking myself over in this vicious cycle, it hurts badly physically and emotionally. Each time it seems I’m closer to reaching for the rope and heading down to the river to find a nice tree.
It’s got to end this moment. It’s time to take control again, to learn self control. It’s been going on for about 3 years now. Who in their right mind would do this to themselves over and over? I’m lucky I haven’t fucked up a pill count yet and been kicked off altogether. Piss tests are no worry to me because I don’t use any street drugs other than weed and my doctor endorses it.
I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and begin the quest to take control again. I guess I’ll keep updating this weekly or every few days with how I’m managing and feeling.
I feel pretty vulnerable right now, I’ve never shared a blog before let alone let another person read my diary, so go easy on me guys.
It mightn’t be much compared to a lot of people, but when I’ve got chronic pain and I’m fucking myself over in this vicious cycle, it hurts badly physically and emotionally. Each time it seems I’m closer to reaching for the rope and heading down to the river to find a nice tree.
It’s got to end this moment. It’s time to take control again, to learn self control. It’s been going on for about 3 years now. Who in their right mind would do this to themselves over and over? I’m lucky I haven’t fucked up a pill count yet and been kicked off altogether. Piss tests are no worry to me because I don’t use any street drugs other than weed and my doctor endorses it.
I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and begin the quest to take control again. I guess I’ll keep updating this weekly or every few days with how I’m managing and feeling.
I feel pretty vulnerable right now, I’ve never shared a blog before let alone let another person read my diary, so go easy on me guys.