PrisonOfMyOwnMind
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2012
- Messages
- 1
"We are the captors of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation."
I just stumbled across this board whilst browsing on my iPhone spending yet another long night awake in bed unable to sleep. For a while now I've had problems with insomnia relating to drug use, but recently I have begun to feel disconnected from absolutely everything. To the point where everyday activities just don't seem real anymore. Before I begin my story, I feel some back details are necessary. This is not an indictment of my family or upbringing by any means-- I love my family, they took care of me far greater than I ever appreciated them for, these details simply shape my personality and nothing more. My parents divorced when I was five years old and per usual, the courts awarded me to my mother. She was a great single parent, but a lot of the time as a child she would try to continue her previous lifestyle and leave me with a sitter. As I became older, she trusted me to stay at home alone with no sitter and not burn the place down, and at that point movies & television, and later video games became somewhat of an extended family for me. My life has always partially been lived vicariously through the people in the fiction I wasted my time on. Maybe that is some perspective on how my mind works... I've also always had an extreme lack of confidence and been socially awkward (although mostly due to shyness, the latter has greatly improved with age). I've also always had struggles fitting in with other males. I'm not gay or anything, the best way I can explain it is that I tried too hard to fit in to the point where it made me an object of ridicule (this too has gotten much better with age). Anyhow, let's begin.
As of this writing I am 25 years old. Six years ago when I was nineteen, I started my second year of college. The first year I had attended a JC close to home so stayed set in my ways. Year two was attended at your typical American party school. Within mere weeks of my first semester there, I had joined a fraternity and began smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol... two things I had never done in my life prior to going to school there. Shortly after being turned on to pot and beer, I was introduced to Adderall (supposedly should help you focus on studying, always made me blow off school and play video games all day). I enjoyed Adderall because it gave me the ability to stay awake for a really long time, despite the crash that follows. Soon after Adderall, I got into cocaine. I will say that cocaine is far and away the drug I have abused the most and it has nearly claimed my life on at least three occasions. Sometime before I turned 21, I was introduced to X tabs. The day after I rolled for the first time, I went back and bought far more than I bought the first night and X nearly instantly replaced my coke habit. It lasts for HOURS and only costs a quarter of the price (or even less)? Sign me up! From 21-22, I did X tabs and MDMA powder like it was my full time job. This also coincided with me continuing to enroll in college courses, but not actually attend them and have to create lies about why I wasn't getting marks in a certain class or (my personal favorite) when I was going to graduate. It's true what they say, "the truth shall set you free." Only wish I knew then what I know now.
At the tail end of age 22, the guy I was buying my ecstasy from introduced me to heroin, opiates (hydrocodone, oxycodone) and IV administration of substances. The instant euphoria of banging drugs couple with my obviously addictive personality did far more harm than good to my life. I banged MDMA a couple of times, banged a blue X pill once that darkened my veins to the point where it definitely looked wrong... fun night. I was also taking LSD frequently during this whole ordeal and am happy to say I haven't tripped in over a year as of this writing, but that's only one substance removed from my cornucopia of addictions.
Recently I have begun to feel out of place in my own body. The most prevalent feeling is this 10 ton weight that now rests inside my skull. Sometimes it feels like I have an open hole in my brain, but most of the time it's just heavy. There is a stiffness in my neck that has led to an obsession with cracking my neck, which I can do without having to put my hands around it anymore. But it's like no matter what I do, nothing relieves the stress on my neck. If there's one thing I want to go away out of all of this, it's the neck stiffness. The skin on my face seems like it's cracking at the seams. I have been using cosmetic products to no avail with that, so at this point I'm fairly sure the only thing that will assist that is outright removal of all substance abuse.
I am 6'5" tall and weigh about 290 pounds. I am a little overweight, but with clothes on I appear fairly proportional... if you looked at me you would not say "wow, he's fat." But I will readily admit I am in poor health. I have been smoking cigarettes daily since attending College #2 and getting hooked on everything else, and I do believe cigs expedite the aging process some as well. I do not have hallucinations when I am sober. The worst I ever got was when I was banging coke all of the time. As soon as it hit me, it was like everyone could read my mind, the cops and narcotics task forces where staking out my house and waiting to bring me down. Real scary stuff. Worst of all you know it's coming before you push down on the plunger, almost like the "bad trip" is a little game you play with yourself to see how long it lasts this time.
Then last year, I got arrested for DWI (DUI depending on location). Since then it has been my life's cruelest irony that I be arrested for an alcohol related offense rather than the laundry list of drug possession charges I have avoided in my life. Jail changes a person, especially men. As a man you pride yourself on strength and power, then they throw you in a room where you can't kick the door down. You have nothing. You're a rat in a cage until they let you out. That experience definitely worked one over on my mind. I had the unfortunate pleasure of being arrested while I still had most of my student loan money for the semester on hand, and following my release from jail I just sat at home and felt sorry for myself for about three straight days. Then I went completely overboard. I spent about $2,500 on narcotics in less than a month. Banged entire 8-balls of coke in less than 90 minutes, consumed entire grams of MDMA at once (multiple, multiple times). It was definitely the highest I'd ever been. Then one night I very foolishly didn't measure my cocaine dosage and tried to shoot 0.8g in one blast. A friend was in the room with me and said I sat completely still, but inside it felt like I was shaking. He tried to get me to move but I just collapsed. Had I not taken Xanax that night, I truly believe I would have been a dead man. We're coming up on the one year anniversary of that this Halloween. Yup, if anything I get to say at least I got my should-have-died experience on Halloween night.
Since the OD, I've mostly just been smoking weed and consuming hydrocodones excessively. About a month after the OD, I banged coke again trying to chase that high. Stupid. Also banged meth twice and smoked it once just to say I'd tried it. Also stupid. I've stopped the codones because I fear liver damage (which I probably already had well before the codones addiction). But I'm not a happy person. I just don't feel like myself at all, and the worst part is I know what it's like to feel like me...and to not be able to just turn a dial and get back there frustrates me. I know that's just the anxiety, but that doesn't make it less difficult to deal with. After reading the threads here, I have decided I'm going back to school (again). This time I'll try my hand at the very same university that chewed me up the first time. But I look at is as a great exercise in rising above my demons and saying no to everything I said yes to the first time. No one I knew back then still goes there, and even if they did I've long since deleted those contacts from my phone. It has been my dream for the longest time to join the United States Air Force, following in the footsteps of my family. But I would like to be a commissioned officer and I'll need to complete a degree to do that. At times it feels like an impossible goal... how's a guy like me who's quit countless jobs because he got too high and really did need the day off that badly going to serve his country and lead other men? This time I'll just make sure I drop all of my money on school and housing as soon as I get it, maybe even lock up a residence for the entire time (3 semesters) I'll need to be there. No rent bill every month sure would be nice.
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there stoned and think something moved when it didn't. Sometimes I get a little dizzy, but not unbearably (usually when standing up). Sometimes the thought pops into my head that I should just kill myself, but I do believe that's just the result of clearly ongoing psychosis due to massive drug abuse. Despite all of this, I still have a good outlook on things. I think the world is a generally good place as long as you have the right attitude. There's good in the worst of us and bad in the best of us. It's just hard living in this prison of my own creation, of which I drew the schematics for and yet can't remember the way out. Sure would like to do something about my skin and neck though. Really sucks looking 10 years older than you are.
I just stumbled across this board whilst browsing on my iPhone spending yet another long night awake in bed unable to sleep. For a while now I've had problems with insomnia relating to drug use, but recently I have begun to feel disconnected from absolutely everything. To the point where everyday activities just don't seem real anymore. Before I begin my story, I feel some back details are necessary. This is not an indictment of my family or upbringing by any means-- I love my family, they took care of me far greater than I ever appreciated them for, these details simply shape my personality and nothing more. My parents divorced when I was five years old and per usual, the courts awarded me to my mother. She was a great single parent, but a lot of the time as a child she would try to continue her previous lifestyle and leave me with a sitter. As I became older, she trusted me to stay at home alone with no sitter and not burn the place down, and at that point movies & television, and later video games became somewhat of an extended family for me. My life has always partially been lived vicariously through the people in the fiction I wasted my time on. Maybe that is some perspective on how my mind works... I've also always had an extreme lack of confidence and been socially awkward (although mostly due to shyness, the latter has greatly improved with age). I've also always had struggles fitting in with other males. I'm not gay or anything, the best way I can explain it is that I tried too hard to fit in to the point where it made me an object of ridicule (this too has gotten much better with age). Anyhow, let's begin.
As of this writing I am 25 years old. Six years ago when I was nineteen, I started my second year of college. The first year I had attended a JC close to home so stayed set in my ways. Year two was attended at your typical American party school. Within mere weeks of my first semester there, I had joined a fraternity and began smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol... two things I had never done in my life prior to going to school there. Shortly after being turned on to pot and beer, I was introduced to Adderall (supposedly should help you focus on studying, always made me blow off school and play video games all day). I enjoyed Adderall because it gave me the ability to stay awake for a really long time, despite the crash that follows. Soon after Adderall, I got into cocaine. I will say that cocaine is far and away the drug I have abused the most and it has nearly claimed my life on at least three occasions. Sometime before I turned 21, I was introduced to X tabs. The day after I rolled for the first time, I went back and bought far more than I bought the first night and X nearly instantly replaced my coke habit. It lasts for HOURS and only costs a quarter of the price (or even less)? Sign me up! From 21-22, I did X tabs and MDMA powder like it was my full time job. This also coincided with me continuing to enroll in college courses, but not actually attend them and have to create lies about why I wasn't getting marks in a certain class or (my personal favorite) when I was going to graduate. It's true what they say, "the truth shall set you free." Only wish I knew then what I know now.
At the tail end of age 22, the guy I was buying my ecstasy from introduced me to heroin, opiates (hydrocodone, oxycodone) and IV administration of substances. The instant euphoria of banging drugs couple with my obviously addictive personality did far more harm than good to my life. I banged MDMA a couple of times, banged a blue X pill once that darkened my veins to the point where it definitely looked wrong... fun night. I was also taking LSD frequently during this whole ordeal and am happy to say I haven't tripped in over a year as of this writing, but that's only one substance removed from my cornucopia of addictions.
Recently I have begun to feel out of place in my own body. The most prevalent feeling is this 10 ton weight that now rests inside my skull. Sometimes it feels like I have an open hole in my brain, but most of the time it's just heavy. There is a stiffness in my neck that has led to an obsession with cracking my neck, which I can do without having to put my hands around it anymore. But it's like no matter what I do, nothing relieves the stress on my neck. If there's one thing I want to go away out of all of this, it's the neck stiffness. The skin on my face seems like it's cracking at the seams. I have been using cosmetic products to no avail with that, so at this point I'm fairly sure the only thing that will assist that is outright removal of all substance abuse.
I am 6'5" tall and weigh about 290 pounds. I am a little overweight, but with clothes on I appear fairly proportional... if you looked at me you would not say "wow, he's fat." But I will readily admit I am in poor health. I have been smoking cigarettes daily since attending College #2 and getting hooked on everything else, and I do believe cigs expedite the aging process some as well. I do not have hallucinations when I am sober. The worst I ever got was when I was banging coke all of the time. As soon as it hit me, it was like everyone could read my mind, the cops and narcotics task forces where staking out my house and waiting to bring me down. Real scary stuff. Worst of all you know it's coming before you push down on the plunger, almost like the "bad trip" is a little game you play with yourself to see how long it lasts this time.
Then last year, I got arrested for DWI (DUI depending on location). Since then it has been my life's cruelest irony that I be arrested for an alcohol related offense rather than the laundry list of drug possession charges I have avoided in my life. Jail changes a person, especially men. As a man you pride yourself on strength and power, then they throw you in a room where you can't kick the door down. You have nothing. You're a rat in a cage until they let you out. That experience definitely worked one over on my mind. I had the unfortunate pleasure of being arrested while I still had most of my student loan money for the semester on hand, and following my release from jail I just sat at home and felt sorry for myself for about three straight days. Then I went completely overboard. I spent about $2,500 on narcotics in less than a month. Banged entire 8-balls of coke in less than 90 minutes, consumed entire grams of MDMA at once (multiple, multiple times). It was definitely the highest I'd ever been. Then one night I very foolishly didn't measure my cocaine dosage and tried to shoot 0.8g in one blast. A friend was in the room with me and said I sat completely still, but inside it felt like I was shaking. He tried to get me to move but I just collapsed. Had I not taken Xanax that night, I truly believe I would have been a dead man. We're coming up on the one year anniversary of that this Halloween. Yup, if anything I get to say at least I got my should-have-died experience on Halloween night.
Since the OD, I've mostly just been smoking weed and consuming hydrocodones excessively. About a month after the OD, I banged coke again trying to chase that high. Stupid. Also banged meth twice and smoked it once just to say I'd tried it. Also stupid. I've stopped the codones because I fear liver damage (which I probably already had well before the codones addiction). But I'm not a happy person. I just don't feel like myself at all, and the worst part is I know what it's like to feel like me...and to not be able to just turn a dial and get back there frustrates me. I know that's just the anxiety, but that doesn't make it less difficult to deal with. After reading the threads here, I have decided I'm going back to school (again). This time I'll try my hand at the very same university that chewed me up the first time. But I look at is as a great exercise in rising above my demons and saying no to everything I said yes to the first time. No one I knew back then still goes there, and even if they did I've long since deleted those contacts from my phone. It has been my dream for the longest time to join the United States Air Force, following in the footsteps of my family. But I would like to be a commissioned officer and I'll need to complete a degree to do that. At times it feels like an impossible goal... how's a guy like me who's quit countless jobs because he got too high and really did need the day off that badly going to serve his country and lead other men? This time I'll just make sure I drop all of my money on school and housing as soon as I get it, maybe even lock up a residence for the entire time (3 semesters) I'll need to be there. No rent bill every month sure would be nice.
Sometimes I'll just be sitting there stoned and think something moved when it didn't. Sometimes I get a little dizzy, but not unbearably (usually when standing up). Sometimes the thought pops into my head that I should just kill myself, but I do believe that's just the result of clearly ongoing psychosis due to massive drug abuse. Despite all of this, I still have a good outlook on things. I think the world is a generally good place as long as you have the right attitude. There's good in the worst of us and bad in the best of us. It's just hard living in this prison of my own creation, of which I drew the schematics for and yet can't remember the way out. Sure would like to do something about my skin and neck though. Really sucks looking 10 years older than you are.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Get your shit straighten out man, before you kill yourself