In this dream that I had, I was talking to a guy. He put his arms around me and started kissing me, then said "Why are you so sad? God and Christ are all around us." I reached down to see if he was hard - he was. I woke up angry. Who gives people the right to say that they know the truth? His experience isn't mine - it might be completely false. I can't accept his truth at face value because I haven't experienced it - God is nowhere to be found in my life. I believe in karma, and some kind of order to the universe, but there is no parent-figure like God looking out for me. Do I wish there was? Fuck yes I do.
I really want someone to take care of me like my parents did when I was little. I don't feel like a capable adult, even though everyone says I am. I feel helpless against the tides of the world, like some rock being buffeted around in the sea. It would be nice if there was some bigger being watching out for me and taking care of me, but I don't experience that - I don't believe. I can't even depend on other people to love me and take care of me - all of their love is conditional. Sometimes guys seem like they will love and take care of me, but that's only on the condition that I get them off, that I please their primal physical senses in some way. Women usually expect that I always agree with them and validate them emotionally. People get fed up with loving and taking care of other people, so I would never expect them to love and take care of me the way I need.
But I am really jealous of people who claim to have God or Christ or some such being in their life. I can't say for sure what the truth is, but at least they gain some sense of security and relief from that experience of theirs. I have no such sense of relief or security. I know that I am alone, and I resent it. I don't know how to feel good it - how is that even possible?
I really want someone to take care of me like my parents did when I was little. I don't feel like a capable adult, even though everyone says I am. I feel helpless against the tides of the world, like some rock being buffeted around in the sea. It would be nice if there was some bigger being watching out for me and taking care of me, but I don't experience that - I don't believe. I can't even depend on other people to love me and take care of me - all of their love is conditional. Sometimes guys seem like they will love and take care of me, but that's only on the condition that I get them off, that I please their primal physical senses in some way. Women usually expect that I always agree with them and validate them emotionally. People get fed up with loving and taking care of other people, so I would never expect them to love and take care of me the way I need.
But I am really jealous of people who claim to have God or Christ or some such being in their life. I can't say for sure what the truth is, but at least they gain some sense of security and relief from that experience of theirs. I have no such sense of relief or security. I know that I am alone, and I resent it. I don't know how to feel good it - how is that even possible?