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Wanting to be miserable??

ChristBait said:
do you ever feel like you fear success? like when your close to getting success and happiness, you subconsciously do something to sabotage it, cuz you feel like you don't deserve it, and you deserve to be miserable the rest of your life. The shitty thing about depression is theres a part of you that loves it, and wants to hang onto it.
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Wow I thought I was the only person who had this sort of fucked up logic, though not necessarily with success but just happiness in general (particularly with dating/relationships too). I think that the man (if 21 years old qualifies as a "man") that I am today has been ultimately shaped by the chronic pain that I have suffered with the last 6 years. I don't think I was every truly "happy," even before the pain began to take hold of my life. Then I damaged the joints in both my feet and ever since walking has been agony for me and it's just taken so much of my motivation. But even before I had a reason to be miserable I felt like I was always sabotaging myself and/or giving myself reasons to remain miserable.

I think that one thing that could have the potential to make me happier would be to date and try to find someone special but I won't allow myself the chance to ever get close to anyone. I never had much confidence around women and being in constant pain has only magnified these issues and made it more difficult to open up. I've always been miserable around women because I've always felt like I have nothing to offer in a relationship (inadequate is a good word to describe it) and I can't fathom or imagine someone actually being interested in me. And then even if I found out that they are interested or something, I will ruin things by destroying the friendship I had with them to avoid getting closer and maybe having a chance at happiness.

It's like I'm bitter about the fact that I have very little experience with affection but I won't allow myself to get close to someone because deep down I feel I don't deserve that connection with someone else. For the past 3 years there haven't been any women in my life that I would've considered dating. Then there was a girl I met at work who I had a lot of admiration and respect for, but I knew she was in a relationship. I was perfectly normal around her because we were just coworkers. Then I found out that she was very fond of me/had a crush on me and rather than trying to spend my time getting closer with her, I pushed her away. In a way I was upset because she's really cool and I think there was at least a chance we would have connected pretty well, but with her having a boyfriend it just sort of pissed me off. So I avoided her and/or was miserable around her. Totally illogical and irrational of me to have acted when I think back now, but it's like loneliness is the only thing I've known and I don't feel I deserve to even try and change that.

For the first time in my life I have found some relief from the pain I am in by buying special shoes and even when I'm not in pain it still feels like my brain hasn't caught up with the rest of my body yet. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to become addicted to poppy tea over a year ago as a "treatment" for my pain but really I think I was also trying to fill up the void in my life that could only be filled with a significant other. Sometimes I feel like I really made quite a mess of my life this past year but lately I've been very introspective and without suffering in pain all the time I feel like I've been able to think with a certain clarity I haven't had in years so maybe there is hope for me yet. I'm tired of making the same mistakes and I really want to try and be a better person.
 
I've been miserable for long periods of time (more than just a few hours), and here's what I have to say: it makes important things seem unimportant. You don't have to care about things. The only other reason I see is that it might feel cool to be special, but only with mild depression. When it gets bad, all happiness goes out the window.
 
xxkcxx said:
I know what you mean.

To me, sometimes I feel like I deserve to be miserable; sometimes miserable is comfortable and therefore I prefer it to the unknown that is happiness; sometimes I like feeling miserable because I don't feel anything else, so at least being miserable lets me feel alive.

Yes, I totally know where you are coming from.
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Sometimes, and I am not saying this is your case, KC or the OP's case- but someone coming from a background of abuse or trauma will feel that they are undeserving of happiness and seek out people, situations and things to make them unhappy. You are mot consciously seeking it out-but it happens.

I think Draigan's posts here have been on the right track. I too am not buddhist but find reading things about Buddhism helps me when I'm down (and I read when I'm not down too:)) But there is a strength in their subtle teachings...... You may look into that- You don't have to become buddhist to read about it or to sacrifice any of your religious beliefs now......but there is often a sense of peace even after just reading a little bit.....I love to read Dalai Lama quotes- just the quotes inspire me and make me feel better......
Meditation is also a good way to try to regain your spiritual strength which will in turn boost your brain into a more positive state......

But you have to decide if you want to change......
what do you get from creating misery in your life?

"All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives. "
-Dalai Lama

" If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

- Dalai Lama
 
Personally I generally feel a sense of mild content with my situation. Its nearly impossible for me to get very happy but it is also very hard to become sad or mad. I believe I feel this way because I have had times in my life that were much more difficult for me. So misery and hardship make you appreciate the not so hard times. In this way a person can happy by being in bad situation when he was in a much terrible situation. The opposite is true. I personally have a friends who's life is much better than mine but he can't appreciate it because that is all he has lived.

Also a common theme of some of my higher level trips is: I am so lucky to be born in a time and place where food, clean water, and shelter are a guarantee and not a luxury. This has helped me as a reminder that things could be much worse.

I know that this can lead to a snow ball affect of: I am miserable, but I don't deserve to feel miserable, so i feel miserable for feeling miserable, and miserable for feeling miserable about feeling miserable....

If you feel like you don't deserve to be happy perhaps do something as stated by ocean and do something for others? I came to the conclusion that even if I lived the stereotypical "American Dream" that I wouldn't be that happy, there would be a hole in my life, so maybe I should commit my life to making others happy. So I'm trying to find my contribution to this world. I first need education and money to do this though. This at least gives a sense of purpose which makes me happy and gives strength through difficult times. Than you are deserving of being happy.

These have been my opinions and maybe the roots of your issues are different but I thought I'd add my two cents.
 
ChristBait said:
do you ever feel like you fear success? like when your close to getting success and happiness, you subconsciously do something to sabotage it, cuz you feel like you don't deserve it, and you deserve to be miserable the rest of your life. The shitty thing about depression is theres a part of you that loves it, and wants to hang onto it.
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this really describes my situation, i know it is stupid but i still find myself holding onto this mindset. i have messed up alot of things in my life because i thought this way, and knowing that sort of reinforces the thoughts of being worthless and a failure, so it can be a pretty hard cycle to break out of.
 
lostreality said:
Personally I generally feel a sense of mild content with my situation. Its nearly impossible for me to get very happy but it is also very hard to become sad or mad. I believe I feel this way because I have had times in my life that were much more difficult for me. So misery and hardship make you appreciate the not so hard times. In this way a person can happy by being in bad situation when he was in a much terrible situation. The opposite is true. I personally have a friends who's life is much better than mine but he can't appreciate it because that is all he has lived.

Also a common theme of some of my higher level trips is: I am so lucky to be born in a time and place where food, clean water, and shelter are a guarantee and not a luxury. This has helped me as a reminder that things could be much worse.
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Couldn't agree more m8. Everybody travels through their life completely different to the next person (although very similar in similar ways), and it impacts on their lifestyle with the way they live their life. Some people like us learn extremely heaps from all kinds of occurances in our lives and some don't. Plus alot of people, basically all of us at times take way to much for granted, but I guess thats obviously a benchmark of our lifestyles of what we are used to, which to me is fully understandable.

xxkcxx said:
I know what you mean.

To me, sometimes I feel like I deserve to be miserable; sometimes miserable is comfortable and therefore I prefer it to the unknown that is happiness; sometimes I like feeling miserable because I don't feel anything else, so at least being miserable lets me feel alive.

Yes, I totally know where you are coming from.
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You shouldn't feel like you deserve to be miserable kc. As hard as it may feel, nobody deserves it so to speak. I personally feel for me that being miserable makes me "happier", if that makes sense. I have felt I deserve nothing plenty of times, but no one deserves that.

Don't put yurself down mate <3
 
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For me I'm so used to being miserable and depressed when i actually get one day that im in a kinda good mood im not really happy untill im miserable and get high
 
I used to crave the dark depths of truely horrible emotion. I still do at times, but lately I've been exactly the opposite. took me 19 damn years to figure it out. But being happy is better off. It's something about raw agony that is attracting to me...tis why I have agony in russian tattooed on my leg. But yes...It's bassackwards.
 
A lot of times people that have been unhappy for so long, no nothing different. It takes time to remember to be happy. I have recently had to reteach myself as well, and thank God for that. I hate being miserable. It is just how you look at things tbh. Try to find some good in things, and you will find it is there most of the time. :\
 
Sometimes it seems like it's easier to be miserable.

When you are happy then something happens to make you sad. Then you are on a roller coaster of emotions.

If you are miserable and something bad happens then you don't have far to fall.

:\ If that makes any sense???
 
Makes sense. I'm really up and down today and yesterday. Irritable. It's my add bothering the fuck outta me, plus being pissed off by people who are stupid, and not having enough food....etc...but it's all good..tonight its back to loud music and a dance floor at the gay club, which sets me free :D
 
stellablue said:
A lot of times people that have been unhappy for so long, no nothing different. It takes time to remember to be happy. I have recently had to reteach myself as well, and thank God for that. I hate being miserable. It is just how you look at things tbh. Try to find some good in things, and you will find it is there most of the time. :\
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This is so true hun.
Any change can be daunting/overwhelming, but once you start to retrain yourself to feel happy, it gets easier and easier <3
 
I look back to when starting this thread and think my frame of mind may have changed. I think back and think I actually did not care about living a miserable life at all. Now, still feeling miserable but not wanting it, just basically accepting that its the way I am.
 
I'm not sure if this has been said, but misery can actually be a safe place for some of us. I've learned along the way that depressed people become very good at being depressed.
 
yes i too relate to this feeling of wanting to be miserable and i think i understand it now, at least in my own case.

"the ego wants to want more than it wants to have" - eckhart tolle
^meaning that your egoic sense of self wants to want to be happy more then it actually wants happiness.
 
Change is hard for most people. If you have been miserable for your whole life (or most of it), then being happy may be hard for you. Change consists of leaving your own "familiar" territory.

For example, I lived in California for 18 years, and now, due to rehab, I am living in Utah.

Let me tell you, the first initial change fucking sucked! Now, I am used to being here and all is good. You just have to be unafraid to change, and just take it a step at a time.

Try to tell yourself that you are miserable for feeiling miserable. This would be I suppose a healthier way to look at it.
 
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