Hello,
I`m a 23 year old male and live in a small and poor country. I have been secretly addicted to various painkillers, mainly hydrocodone for 4 years. I feel miserable and suicidal (again).
I want some encouragement although it seems silly to write something on the internet to expect words of kindeness and such. But I will be very thankful.
Addictions are psychological, so I`m going to describe me.
I don`t somehow belong and my enviornment and past keeps annoying me, like pop-up windows of annoying thoughts constantly appearing at an exhausting rate that are repeating themselves. I have tried meditation, but what somewhat shuts my internal dialogue is extremes, like skydiving or (very) occasional psychedelics. So any new experience. Seems like ADD symptoms, but adult ADD medication is unheard of here. (all drugs, even mj are very feared, i`v seen screaming relatives with bone injuries in agony given ibuprofein)
With painkillers, things just don`t bother me. This may sound cliche, but I have pain which I can`t locate. It was there before I did drugs. Painkillers filled a hole that was always there. Most of the time without drugs, I try hard to appear normal (do a pretty good job too) but I want to scream. I don`t talk of my depression anymore because it makes people uncomfortable and comes off as selfish. I live in a very introverted culture. The weird thing is, when I talk of negative emotions around sober people, they become quiet and weird, but the same people, when drunk, become really empathic. I have discovered that talking only helps on quite rare occasions with some people.
I don`t want to blame anyone, but I keep seeing and hearing how all people talk about is how to make more money, have more power. `It`s a game and winning is all that matters`, I hear a lot. This makes me think of how alone everyboy actually is and somehow this logic turns to justification for using pain pills.
Coincidentally, I see the world as a more and more lonely place. A friend whom I share an apartment with discovered me crying today. I guess he wanted to help and without listening suggested I take life more like a game and that I read "how to make friends and influence people" (I have read that) Then he became arrogant and boasted how good he is all the time. He has previously seriously suggested I should "be more psychopatic". (that actually cheered me later when I was better) Also, 2 of my best friends have changed a lot, they seem to become dissapointed in life and "don`t care anymore". New people (grown ups) at work claim to be taking life lessons from gossip girl.
I try hard to fit in with society and could be considered a beneficial member for some work. But I feel just wrong. There`s a big gap of how I feel and how I appear to be, has always been. I don`t know how to lose the gap, but under pain meds, things just don`t annoy me anymore. I may be weak for using them and want to quit to save some money. I really don`t know if I use because the society doesen`t fit me or the other way around.
I feel best during some but not all parties (I socialise once a week, maybe less), when I can hang out with people I can`t see during the week. Also, drunk people are way more tolerable to me. Not a huge regular drinker myself actually, alcohol is a dirty high.
But sometimes, I feel really bad, I just want to black out, so I drink with benzos or z drugs. I`v been admitted to the hospital for benzo and alcohol overdose where I don`t remember how I got there 4 times. I think these institutions aren`t for helping rather than for isolating people here. I left worse than I came there. I`m ashamed of these incidences although concurrently I feel I have done no wrong cause I was in pain and just wanted an escape. I shouldn`t have been even taken there, I know the dose wouldn`t have killed me. Ok, I probably should have made sure nobody walked in.
Just came out of a xanax addiction with my doctor`s help and tapering. Not concerned about relapsing, they are not that good. I couldn`t quit xanax, because of the physical withdrawls. I can and have many times quit pain pills, gone trough wd, but I can`t stay away from them because they have become a part of my personality. I will be soon moving to go to a university. I should work for my future but actually i`m sceptic weather anything I do will make worthwile. Losing hope. Even when I should logically be ok, I am really not. I know there are people with worse situations than a medicore hydrocodone addiction. I`m asking for advice because to my knowledge I don`t know anyone experienced on the subject of addiction.
Is there any advice?
I`m a 23 year old male and live in a small and poor country. I have been secretly addicted to various painkillers, mainly hydrocodone for 4 years. I feel miserable and suicidal (again).
I want some encouragement although it seems silly to write something on the internet to expect words of kindeness and such. But I will be very thankful.
Addictions are psychological, so I`m going to describe me.
I don`t somehow belong and my enviornment and past keeps annoying me, like pop-up windows of annoying thoughts constantly appearing at an exhausting rate that are repeating themselves. I have tried meditation, but what somewhat shuts my internal dialogue is extremes, like skydiving or (very) occasional psychedelics. So any new experience. Seems like ADD symptoms, but adult ADD medication is unheard of here. (all drugs, even mj are very feared, i`v seen screaming relatives with bone injuries in agony given ibuprofein)
With painkillers, things just don`t bother me. This may sound cliche, but I have pain which I can`t locate. It was there before I did drugs. Painkillers filled a hole that was always there. Most of the time without drugs, I try hard to appear normal (do a pretty good job too) but I want to scream. I don`t talk of my depression anymore because it makes people uncomfortable and comes off as selfish. I live in a very introverted culture. The weird thing is, when I talk of negative emotions around sober people, they become quiet and weird, but the same people, when drunk, become really empathic. I have discovered that talking only helps on quite rare occasions with some people.
I don`t want to blame anyone, but I keep seeing and hearing how all people talk about is how to make more money, have more power. `It`s a game and winning is all that matters`, I hear a lot. This makes me think of how alone everyboy actually is and somehow this logic turns to justification for using pain pills.
Coincidentally, I see the world as a more and more lonely place. A friend whom I share an apartment with discovered me crying today. I guess he wanted to help and without listening suggested I take life more like a game and that I read "how to make friends and influence people" (I have read that) Then he became arrogant and boasted how good he is all the time. He has previously seriously suggested I should "be more psychopatic". (that actually cheered me later when I was better) Also, 2 of my best friends have changed a lot, they seem to become dissapointed in life and "don`t care anymore". New people (grown ups) at work claim to be taking life lessons from gossip girl.
I try hard to fit in with society and could be considered a beneficial member for some work. But I feel just wrong. There`s a big gap of how I feel and how I appear to be, has always been. I don`t know how to lose the gap, but under pain meds, things just don`t annoy me anymore. I may be weak for using them and want to quit to save some money. I really don`t know if I use because the society doesen`t fit me or the other way around.
I feel best during some but not all parties (I socialise once a week, maybe less), when I can hang out with people I can`t see during the week. Also, drunk people are way more tolerable to me. Not a huge regular drinker myself actually, alcohol is a dirty high.
But sometimes, I feel really bad, I just want to black out, so I drink with benzos or z drugs. I`v been admitted to the hospital for benzo and alcohol overdose where I don`t remember how I got there 4 times. I think these institutions aren`t for helping rather than for isolating people here. I left worse than I came there. I`m ashamed of these incidences although concurrently I feel I have done no wrong cause I was in pain and just wanted an escape. I shouldn`t have been even taken there, I know the dose wouldn`t have killed me. Ok, I probably should have made sure nobody walked in.
Just came out of a xanax addiction with my doctor`s help and tapering. Not concerned about relapsing, they are not that good. I couldn`t quit xanax, because of the physical withdrawls. I can and have many times quit pain pills, gone trough wd, but I can`t stay away from them because they have become a part of my personality. I will be soon moving to go to a university. I should work for my future but actually i`m sceptic weather anything I do will make worthwile. Losing hope. Even when I should logically be ok, I am really not. I know there are people with worse situations than a medicore hydrocodone addiction. I`m asking for advice because to my knowledge I don`t know anyone experienced on the subject of addiction.
Is there any advice?
Writing it down helped more than I expected. This sort of double life feels mentally tiring, a fancy name for that is cognitve dissonance.
And do something financially stupid. And the pain of the past will remain. I really want to substitute my opiate addiction for becoming immersed in creative and intellectual pursuits and real quality relationships. But the tranquilty of the drug is hard to rival and sadly my efforts so far seem to fail. But I'll keep on trying.
Before them, I cried a lot. But at some point, had more bad life experiences and I sort of found there was nobody to cry to who would care or understand any. So I wanted to become disconnected from humanity, not be emotionally involved even, to concentrate more on my work and lots of intellectual interests without distracting thaugts and pain interfering. I quess I got what I wanted and was even lucky not to ruin my life while doing it. The price was money I could tolerate and occasional wd.