TDS Want To Help A Self-Destructive Friend

[kidklmx]

So a really good and close friend of mine is self-destructive in all ways thinkable. She abuses drugs heavily, cuts herself (which she's been doing for half a year, I feel such a looser for not noticing this earlier) and has such low self esteem that she was able to prostitute herself. Every time I try to reach out to her, she distances herself, and I don't know what's left to do. She's been abused as a child, which probably has something to do with it.

I have my own fair share of problems and in a way I can relate to her behavior, but this can't go on. I know that the last thing she's waiting for is some weak empathetic friend who thinks he understands, so I really don't know what to do.

How do I help her? Do I get angry? Do I just tell her that I love her? She's going to tell me these facts somewhere this week (we already talked about the cutting), she doesn't even know that I know this. What am I supposed to say to her when she does?

(sorry mods if there is a thread where this fits in)

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend kidklmx, knowing that someone is so self destructive can be hard, especially if you're close to them.

Don't feel like a loser for not noticing the cutting, self harmers can be good at hiding it from others, especially those close to them.

There's not much you can do to 'help' her beside letting her know you're there to talk to if she needs it. You can't force your help on people, it will only drive them further from you. Getting angry will be the worst thing you could do. Telling her you love her? In what capacity? As a close friend or more?

What facts is she supposed to be telling you?

 

[kidklmx]

Love her as something more than just a friend, but not a lover, no. That'd be really inappropriate regarding the whole situation (do love her in that way, but our friendship is more powerful than that IMO). Already wrote her the most sincere letter, and she responded back with a honest one too. But last night we hung out again and suddenly it felt like she wanted me away. Didn't even give me a hug when I left..

I guess I thought about getting angry because it's hurting me, too. Especially when she said that psychotherapy or something is only for losers, even when she knows that knows that I have a whole fucking team of therapists, psychiatrists and such trying to fix me. That comment was a direct jab at me for caring.

She's going to tell me about the prostitution probably, might be really bad that I think that she's done that but given the situation, there's not much else that could fit in. Suddenly having a lot of money, receiving really weird phone calls, an unhealthy amount of condoms in her purse. She was really addicted to cocaine and there's no way she could have payed for that with the job she told me she had (baking pizzas). That money must come from somewhere. Hopefully this doesn't make me a bad friend, but I really think this is her dark secret.

Hopefully this thread makes some people that go here see how much you can be hurting the world around you with the things you do, no one is ever alone (even when you feel that way)

p.s Helpful post though, made me feel that I've been doing the right thing. Even when it feels like I haven't

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I've been in a similar position as you, and I understand how it hurts you. I also think she realizes this and it may be why she's pushing you away.

When she comes to talk to you next, just be honest with her. Tell her that what she is doing is hurting you and that you only want to see her get the help she needs (she also has to want to get help herself). Try not to be judgmental about it if she does confess she's prostituted.

People do realize how much they hurt those around them, and it can cause them more guilt.

 

[mrflowers00]

if she's dead set on making harmful choices there's noting you can do i speak from experience no one has been able to get me to straighten myself out just recently i decided to compromise with the harmful behavior i enjoy and behavior that is good for me i'm in the process of working that out one thing that can help her want to change though is to know that she is loved or at the least cared about but from the sounds of your concern i'm guessing it's some form of love