Want to get clean but can't commit

[cellab]

I take hydrocodone throughout the work week and on the weekend. I average about 30 to 35 10mg pills a month. This is causing me to mess up at my job. It also makes my bipolar condition worse. I'm living in a unstable household with my mom who is prescribed Hydrocodone and Valium which is a total mess. I can't see myself getting sober living at my moms because she is very unstable and causes me much grief. She's a total bitch to be honest. Her mood swings are horrible. She's embarrassing to go out in public with, and I don't eat anything she cooks because I'm grossed out. I feel bad if I decide to move out because she depends on me.

I see healthy people running and exercising and it hurts to know I'm doing bad things to my body like smoking cigarettes but I want to be that person who lives a healthy lifestyle and runs 5 miles to get that natural high. I could get an apartment and go clean but I fear I would lose my job somehow and fail. I think this is because I'm not clean right now and haven't gotten there yet so not sure how I would do. Getting an apartment would be a better situation for me mentally but I would definitely need to straighten up and do good. My other option is to move across the city with my dad which is very stable and go sober and go back to school for a certificate that could land me a decent job. I'm just unsure on what to do. I feel bad quitting a decent job but it's also not a job I want to have for the rest of my life either. The hours are long and it makes life miserable.

Getting an apartment would cost me a good bit a month but It's something I could afford. I fear I would be stuck somehow just working and paying bills. I never lived on my own.

Writing this has helped me view my decisions that need to be made and I'm still figuring it out.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hardest part of anything is starting imo.. you can do this!

 

[Moreaux]

You're in a tough situation with a lot of options, which is great. I think you should focus on getting sober before you make any huge life altering changes. If you can't get sober at your Mom's then go stay with your Dad. He can help you get off the pills, and going to school is a great idea.

Having your own apartment can be fun, but it's a huge responsibility that you can't just walk away from. A huge pitfall is getting out on your own when you're struggling with a drug habit is you're alone. So much easier for your using to get out of control. It gets lonely living by yourself, and boring, and drugs take away both of those feelings. I strongly advise getting clean before getting an apartment.

You mentioned that you don't want to fall into the trap of working to maintain the living situation, and that is very easy to do, and you wake you stuck. I made sure I was in school while doing this, but I had tons of friends that got really nice apartments and decided to take a breaks from school, and they had to work 60 hours a week to support the lifestyle. Some never returned to school, and are in their 30's now working low paying hourly jobs because they got stuck. It takes a lot of time and energy to break that cycle, and working full time and going to school full time is hard and stressful. If you're already struggling with drugs, it may throw you over the edge (it did me).

Just stuff to consider before making a decision, though I really think you should focus on getting clean. Do you know what's driving you to use (i.e. Depressed over current living situation)? It would be in your best interest to figure out why you are taking the pills and try to resolve that issue. If you can pinpoint what's driving you to use and resolve it then getting and staying clean shouldn't be too difficult. Don't feel bad about moving out of your Mom's house. It is expected that you move out and start your own life - she knows this and understands. I am sorry that she is not well right now, but her happiness is not your responsibility. It sounds like she can benefit from professional help, and that's up to her to make that call.

Good luck!