Want to die...still.

[tela]

hey... hang in there.. we're all here for you

 

[S.M.F.G]

Dont make any decisions while you are worked up and while your mind is racing with thought. Relax, if you need to privately message me so you can share more details with me and I can possibly talk with you, feel absolutely free to do so. I have first hand experience with thoughts of suicide and depression and I am a little stabilized at this point, dont get me wrong, I have my days
..


Feel free to talk, I am here

Seconded

 

[unsettled]

The crossed-wires/multilple channels description of your brain reminds me so much of myself before i was rxed Adderall XRs. Have u ever been tested for ADD/ADHD? i wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood when i started failing my college classes because i couldn't concentrate in class long enough to learn important concepts. After some time on this med, my brain started to function correctly...like the right wires established solid connections to the right hardware and the wrong connections dissipated over time from not being used.

^^This! Exactly what I thought when I read your post and I can really relate because I'm going through the same thing, I was recently diagnosed with ADD as an adult and just that in and of itself has helped a lot, but it's a process and nothing happens overnight. I experience the crossed wires/multiple channel thing when I don't take my meds and it took me years to figure out that this scattered process of thinking was related to ADD. All of this caused me much anxiety and depression over the years. I'd go to a psychiatrist if I were you.


Also, I think Draigan had an excellent post, the way he describes calming down your mind really does work amazingly well. I used to read alot of zen buddhism stuff and would purposely think this way, or rather not think, not judge the thoughts that come into my head. I'd try this too.


I know depression all too well, it's a bitch and I still battle it, but you have to try and confront the things you are uncomfortable with. The key is not to let it overwhelm you, just tackle one thing at a time. I know with ADD it's hard not to get overwhelmed when you think of too many things you need to do at once. The upside of all this is if you confront all these things that make you uncomfortable you will develop a confidence that will allow you to grow in ways you may not even be able to imagine at the moment.


I wish you well, just take things one day at a time, try not to be too hard on yourself about anything. You're not the only one going through this and you can get through it. Just please don't do anything to harm yourself, the storm will pass as they say and clarity will eventually come.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Hey OP... how r u holdin up?

an update would b great when/if u feelin up2 it
stay with us man

 

[ATLGIRL]

I think I can relate to you but I always think that life has its highs and lows and I would much perfer the highs than the lows but we must go through the lows to feel the highs. I don't know if that makes any sense. Just remember a time when you were happy and over the top and think that you will get there again sometimes soon. Trust me, life is live a wave, a series of oscillations.

I think sometimes are worse than others but things do change. Just reflect on your life 4 years ago and think how it might have changed over the 4 years (4 is just a hypothetical number).

 

[7ca5p]

Hey guys, thank you to everyone who has responeded, I dont deserve such kind words

So, I saw a doctor today, he indicated that there was nothing he could do to help me.

He said there isnt a drug that would improve my focus and concentration, and I refused counciling as It dosnt work (had it before)

What can I do now?

P.S. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I dont know how to react when people are kind to me.

 

[sog.pain4evr]

hey again, so ur doctor is full of shit and must not have any concern for you as a patient, that magnesium stuff does work, and then theres add medications, they work. the amphetamine based drugs are highly addictive, but they are most effective. i personally find high doses of magnesium to b most effective, and dont worry its not dangerous. see another doctor, try a specialist, like a specialist for add maybe, get yourself tested. just be very careful with antidepressents and add on meds. some of that stuff will do irreversable damage, never take a doctor at their word - thoroughly research ur meds before consumption.

the doctor u saw is irresponsable or stupid, never see him again

 

[Asclepius]

^ Absolutely agree on this incompetent 'Docter'.
Dont strike yourself/your welfare out because of one or two people out there who aren't doing their job properly.
^Like Sog said...I suggest finding another G.P. and searching for a decent psychotherapist/something along those lines. I know how shopping around is the last thing you probably want to do but it's what you deserve for yourself. You dont know whats/whos going to help until you get to experience it. Maybe something more in-depth than Councelling could help, someone empathetic but challenging?

You do deserve kind words; thats why your getting them , alot of us here know how it feels and how Horrifically overwhelming it can be.
Glad your still posting 7ca!

 

[wooger]

I think I can relate to you but I always think that life has its highs and lows and I would much perfer the highs than the lows but we must go through the lows to feel the highs QUOTE]

so true! I also can relate to that hopelessness and depressed feeling, too well... infact still going through it now.. but I have been through it several times before and things can get better... I've come out of it many times before and sometimes even thought 'what was I so worried about?' dont get me wrong, it can be really REALLY hard to see that sometimes and see that things can get better..

anyways

feel free to PM me anytime everyone on TDS has been so kind to me and I would be more than happy to return the favour to you if you ever need someone to talk to

Jake

 

[Lolie]

When you say that counselling "doesn't work", exactly what do you mean? What sort of counsellor were you seeing before and what were you actually doing with them?

I'd strongly recommend that you seek out someone like a clinical psychologist who is qualified to diagnose your disorder/s and co-ordinate appropriate treatment. A formal diagnosis from someone qualified can often be useful in helping get appropriate treatment from generalist doctors. A qualified mental health professional can also teach you techniques to improve your focus and concentration and better manage your depression.

While your OP reflected suicidal ideation, your last post suggests that your discussion with the doctor was about meds to help you focus. Did you actually tell him about your suicidal thoughts and feelings? You don't mention being prescribed anything and that is somewhat concerning if the doctor was aware of your recent feelings.

 

[7ca5p]

When you say that counselling "doesn't work", exactly what do you mean? What sort of counsellor were you seeing before and what were you actually doing with them?....

..... Did you actually tell him about your suicidal thoughts and feelings?

Ive had many different types of councelling over the years, 'Connexions' workers, shcool counsellers, school nurse, College counsellers, external counciler counsellers, educational therapist.

Every single time its the same thing, "You want to die dont you? What are you going to kill yourelf with? Where are you gonna' do it?"

Stupid fucking quesitons like that make me feel alot worse and exasperate my suicidal ideology.

Secondly, Being diagnosed with a mental health issue is somthing Im very much afraid of. My brother was diagnosed and now whenever he goes to the doctors for a legitimate problem, they just hand him a leaflet on mental health issues or stress.

I dont want that to happen to me, so I ommited the emotional side of my situation and focused on the possible "cause" rather than the effect. I belive that if I could focus and concentrate and think in an orderly and calm manner, then my wellbeing would increase dramatically. Thats the main problem, I can barley think staight, its taken me an age just to write this. If my brain were a motorway, it feels like there are too many thoughts trying to fit in a single lane and are just colliding and crashing into eachother.

Thanks again for all the posts,

Casper.

 

[Lolie]

Stimulants may improve your ability to focus or they may just make the racing thoughts even worse. I know that you want to avoid a diagnosis, but getting a diagnosis is a pretty essential step towards getting appropriate medication (which may or may not be stimulants). You need to find a doctor who is qualified to make that diagnosis, and GPs are not.

 

[Legerity]

Ive had many different types of councelling over the years, 'Connexions' workers, shcool counsellers, school nurse, College counsellers, external counciler counsellers, educational therapist.

Every single time its the same thing, "You want to die dont you? What are you going to kill yourelf with? Where are you gonna' do it?"

Stupid fucking quesitons like that make me feel alot worse and exasperate my suicidal ideology.

Secondly, Being diagnosed with a mental health issue is somthing Im very much afraid of. My brother was diagnosed and now whenever he goes to the doctors for a legitimate problem, they just hand him a leaflet on mental health issues or stress.

I dont want that to happen to me, so I ommited the emotional side of my situation and focused on the possible "cause" rather than the effect. I belive that if I could focus and concentrate and think in an orderly and calm manner, then my wellbeing would increase dramatically. Thats the main problem, I can barley think staight, its taken me an age just to write this. If my brain were a motorway, it feels like there are too many thoughts trying to fit in a single lane and are just colliding and crashing into eachother.

Thanks again for all the posts,

Casper.

Hey Casper,

These questions about suicidal ideas can be uncomfortable, but they are trying to assess your risk. If somebody has a specific plan then they will be considered at more immediate risk than somebody who has vague ideas of someday wanting to end their life.

I'm not a doctor and don't know you, but the cause and effect could very well be in the opposite direction. Dealing with your emotional well-being may benefit your ability to concentrate. Inability to concentrate I'm sure is one of the most common symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Don't give up keep looking around to find the help you need. Maybe it will be a different doctor, or a therapist that you connect with better. I assure you that there are some awesome therapists AND doctors if you are able to find them.

 

[NoRegrets]

i was on drugs and i couldnt go to school , i mean school was hell for me didnt kno what i was doin there (before drugs i was excellnt student) so , i got paranoid about goin 2 school and i started to yell at my mum i would better kill my self than go to sqool etc, and at that moment i rly felt lyk that ,but now im ok , i quitted shool (feel reliefed, all i have to do is try not take drugs again
btw we are all here 4 u

 

[OpiYum]

Hey OP,
I feel your pain. I had the same issues with my brain having 2-3 channels streaming all the time. I took opiates and massive amounts of drugs until i had a coma, then I had a quiet mind - catatonic, for years. I don't recommend this path. Now, I live through opiate hell always highs and lows. I was suicidal a couple weeks ago- even h wasn't working and I felt fucked. But surprisingly, I started getting a little better everyday and found a great dr and use ADHD meds as a slight antidepressant to help PAWS and give me motivation to do things that are supposed to make me feel better.

Are you feeling any better? Do you have some fun at all some days? Are you able to eat, clean yourself, or commute to places? I would suggest seeing another doctor and perhaps exploring some kind of therapy - not psychotherapy, but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (changing ur thinking patterns to then change ur behavior) or Behavioral Therapy (changing/structuring ur behavior to then change ur thoughts).

Don't worry about school right now. Life is hard and ppl understand if u show them a doctors note and they know that you are trying ur best.

The fact that you can post on BL and keep responding to this thread shows me that there is hope. U want to get better so u will.

 

[Nibblez]

Doctors are only human. Also, I know several fairly successful pre-med students at my university right now who are actually complete dumbasses so I'm sure there are plenty of retards who manage to make it through med school just by spending hours on adderal memorizing shit they will forget a couple of days after an exam.

So forget your doctor. He's probably one of those fucktards.

As for suicidal thoughts, everyone has them. I've had plenty of suicidal thoughts from time to time, but I'm fine right now. Don't think that just because you have suicidal thoughts that there's definitely something intrinsically wrong with you. Sometimes certain events and emotions trigger them. Think hard - do these thoughts become more frequent after certain events?

Also, part of overcoming suicidal thoughts is finding something to live for. Find a hobby! Learn a new skill! Take up an activity that requires concentration and that will help build patience like golf, pool, cooking or fishing. Then join an online community forum and learn from more experienced people and grow! Soon, you will find yourself looking forward to each and every day because they will hold something new, exciting and special.

 

[unsettled]

Man, that sucks about your doctor, no doctor should ever ever say that, there are so many different ways to approach treating all the things that are bothering you. I personally have had good experiences with doctors, but they have all been recommended to me by friends and family with the exception of ER docs, but even there I've been extremely fortunate.

Your doc is totally wrong and you need a new one, probably a psychiatrist, try and find a good one and be open about everything you are feeling and I'd almost guarantee that you will find some relief. It is a process and you have to be dedicated to it but there is certainly hope. It pisses me off that a so called medical professional would ever say that. I could see if a GP didn't deal with mental issues that he would be uncomfortable treating you, but any competent professional in any field knows that in these situations you refer the patient to a specialist who can help you.

Don't give up!

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ totaly, and reading thru this last lot of posts OP i wouldnt think maybe a short term on some kind of anti-psyc would maybe.....maybe benifit you, But im no doctor.
in terms of anti psycs i would piss on everything exept maybe zyprexa, the only one ive eva had to date that didnt fuck me up worse, your obviously already overloading the anti psyc will @ least dull the world out for a while, might be the kinda rest time u need although can b unpleasnt. again just a thought have to stres that im about as good as a quack when it comes to this shit,,, its all just a guessing game.
Stay well 7ca, hear frm ya soon

 

[TheTechNoir]

Ive had many different types of councelling over the years, 'Connexions' workers, shcool counsellers, school nurse, College counsellers, external counciler counsellers, educational therapist.

Every single time its the same thing, "You want to die dont you? What are you going to kill yourelf with? Where are you gonna' do it?"

Stupid fucking quesitons like that make me feel alot worse and exasperate my suicidal ideology.

Secondly, Being diagnosed with a mental health issue is somthing Im very much afraid of. My brother was diagnosed and now whenever he goes to the doctors for a legitimate problem, they just hand him a leaflet on mental health issues or stress.

I dont want that to happen to me, so I ommited the emotional side of my situation and focused on the possible "cause" rather than the effect. I belive that if I could focus and concentrate and think in an orderly and calm manner, then my wellbeing would increase dramatically. Thats the main problem, I can barley think staight, its taken me an age just to write this. If my brain were a motorway, it feels like there are too many thoughts trying to fit in a single lane and are just colliding and crashing into eachother.

Thanks again for all the posts,

Casper.

I've been lucky enough to (relatively) seldom feel the way you do, but it can be as frequent as about one week per month average. It seems to most often be over such a petty thing as feelings for a girl and I psyche myself out thinking something is wrong with me and she won't want me, which makes me feel depressed then I feel more depressed that I am depressed when there is absolutely no rational reason to be. Sometimes it is more serious things though. In fact though it isn't a big deal because this is completely anonymous, while I've admitted to plenty of people of being depressed I've honestly never actually shared that first example of a reason why even when it was the case, being embarrassed and preferring to say I don't know what is causing the bad feelings.

In any case, I'd love to chat if you want to msg back and forth on here some or if you use msn or anything.

I'd pm you with my e-mail/msn/first name but sadly I haven't enough posts yet to pm people.

Best wishes

 

[blueciel8]

Be in Nature, admire it. Help another, human or animal. Sure you heard it before... but it really does help. Good luck.