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Want to die...still.

7ca5p

7ca5p

Bluelighter
Joined
May 22, 2009
Messages
277
Location
England
What the fuck, so its now two and a half years of suicidal thoughts.

How the fuck can people deal with stuff like this? Its absolutely unbarable.

Talking dosnt help, meds dont help, counciling makes it worse, and the thought of self harming is too disgusting for me to even attempt. So there is litteraly no way of getting me out of these thoughts. Fucking lame.

Sorry to be an attention seeker, its just I really think my life is very very very soon to coming to an end, and apparently, part of me doesnt want that to happen. So I post here.

Nice. 8)

Oh well, I suppose the one sure thing to get rid of these feelings would be the 9:52 train.

Peace out guys, maybye Ill still be here later to see any replies, Im enough of a fucking coward that Ill probally pussy out anyway. But thats just yet another of my many many flaws as a person.

See you later.
 
<Inappropriate. Please be considerate of others and refrain from posting nonsense in a serious thread>
 
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Im with you man. I was this way anyway but now im withdrawing from benzos and its times a thousand. But you know what? good. Pain builds compassion. It is the heroes journey. In order for once to become enlightened they must first go through hell> Dont let it take you over man. Grow from it. Ive tried to kill myself before and despite the hell im in now im glad I didnt die. Cause you just gotta say fuck it man, you are at the bottom. Couldnt get much worse. It means you are strong. A lot of people dotn know what this is like. Hvae faith in yourself. I know its hard im going thru it now too but things wiull get better. Learn to accept it for what it is. And by the way i am 100% sure that consciousness continues after death so there is no escape. You are given the karma you have now and you have to fix it. Dont give in without a fight. I dont know you but im sure you are a good guiy. We may even have similarities. Im nto sure if this post helps you becasue it is a little out there but if you ever need someone tot alk to please pm me. I will do my best to help. Id like to know more about you. Im sure you have an interesting story. Shine on brother.

Om mani pema hung
peace to you

Dune
 
the world breaks everyone. it is your choice to give up or pick up and move on. surviving tough things in life is hard but surviving the surviving is the hardest thing you'll ever go through. but you can get past this -alive- and get some relief.
best of luck to you.
-izzy
 
Duude I feel you man .
But what necessarily is so bad about you life ? If you'd let us know we could help better
 
My dad was depressed for years, and along with his chronic drug abuse he hung himself 2 years ago
The amount of sorrow,anger,guilt,regret, and pain is unimaginable.

If you have any close family in your life imagine what you are going to do to them.. my dad left behind a wife and 2 kids because of problems we as a family could have helped him through together

suicide alone is a selfish act.. and ive always been told that depression and suicidal thoughts are all mental. Go out and try something new (not drug wise preferably) and explore new hobbies
 
<It isn't wise to recommend drugs or alcohol to someone suffering like this. This may have helped you but could be dangerous for someone else.>
 
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Meds aren't the silver bullet, they just help you through while you do all the hard work yourself. If you think the same thoughts over and over again for 2.5yrs they start to get wired in just keep cropping up. You need to be vigilant and whenever you catch yourself drifting down those same old shitty thoughts, force yourself to think about anything else, doesn't matter what.

Easier said than done, particularly to begin with, but be firm in your persistence (don't slack off once you start winning, crush them fully). With the shoulder of the meds to lean on, you may be surprised how soon the day will be when first you realize that yesterday the shitty thoughts didn't bug you at all! Then soon after, you will realize a whole week has passed without any of that negative crap intruding on your life. Then not long after you realize that you've moved on entirely.

All the best
 
Thank you to everyone who has replied.

jamesmartin said:
Duude I feel you man .
But what necessarily is so bad about you life ? If you'd let us know we could help better
Click to expand...

Well,

I cant exactly say for sure.

I had a somewhat of a turbulant upbringing.

But I dont know whats wrong with my life, theoretically, I should have it easy. Middle class, no real money worries, live in a safe area, emyployed part time.

But Im flunking my whole college education, I have no chance of ever finding a partner, and I hate my own fucking thoughts so much.

My mind will suddenly just start thinking things and I cant control it at all, and I start arguing with my own thoughts kind of thing.

My head feels like its 'wired' all wrong. The best way I could describe it would be like if you got aload of cables in a device, and whereas they usually would run all symetrical and straight, it feels like someones ripped all the cables about and now there just spasticly fiing sparks around inside the contraption, with no order or pattern.

Another way I could describe it would be like two or three tv channels on at once.

Draigan said:
why do u feel that u r a flawed person? How come you hate yourself so much? What is it that happened? You can become a new person any moment, y aknow? U dont need to drag around your shitty past...
Click to expand...

This is exactly the problem, I cant escape who I was. Everytime Im free of it, a memory is thrown back into the mix, or I see someone who I used to associate with in a shop or somthing.

I hate myself so much, I hate the way I look, the way I am, my sexual tendencies. All of those things are just so embarrasing.

I cant bare the embarasment anymore. :(
 
I get what you're saying. Whenever I've felt suicidal (which has been frequent,) it's been linked to a feeling of shame. I felt that I was absolutely horrible, and that there was nothing in the world that could ever make me feel good about myself. I felt that nothing in the world could ever make me happy.

I think the only way to get through it is to distance yourself from that feeling, to tell yourself that the feeling is not real, that it is just depression talking. You have to separate yourself from it, and realize that it is not permanent despite what you may think. I've wanted to die so many times, the only reason I haven't is because something always gives me a reason to keep living. I think you can allow that to happen to you, too, if you're looking out for those things.

You'll find them.
 
I hate myself so much, I hate the way I look, the way I am, my sexual tendencies. All of those things are just so embarrasing.
Click to expand...

Until you really adress all this chances are you will never be happy. If i may ask what is it about yourself that you hate so much and find so embarrasing? Really few things in life are worth being so unhappy over. As for your past well sometimes it is best left in the past entirely though really you do have to come to some kind of terms with it if you want to make peace with it then bury that past.
 
The crossed-wires/multilple channels description of your brain reminds me so much of myself before i was rxed Adderall XRs. Have u ever been tested for ADD/ADHD? i wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood when i started failing my college classes because i couldn't concentrate in class long enough to learn important concepts. After some time on this med, my brain started to function correctly...like the right wires established solid connections to the right hardware and the wrong connections dissipated over time from not being used.

if u r on later tonight after i go to the store i can PM my AIM sn, or gmail email (google chat) if u would like to IM. We can PM too if u would like.
 
I agree with anonymous, the way you're describing it does sound an awful lot like add/adhd. Some people think that it's a disorder that only kids get, and sometimes people don't realize how much it can screw with people's heads when they have it. If you have a psychiatrist, which it sounds like you may, I'd say it couldn't hurt to talk to em about it.

Even if that isn't the issue, make sure to keep working with doctors to try and get better. For every problem a person has there's some solution out there that can make it better, you just have to find it and work with it.
 
How are you feeling today?

I've definitely gone through a good amount of self-hatred, it seems to be typical of the human experience. We are fed a lot of messages about who we are supposed to be, how we need to look, and all that kind of thing. We want our parents and society to approve of us, so we listen to the messages.

But the only message worth listening to is that you are perfect as you are. Whether you think you are ugly, stupid, evil, etc., you can still accept yourself the way you are.

Your suicidal thoughts are based on the lie that you are somehow flawed. There's nothing further from the truth. Thoughts can come and go without our control, but you can observe them and recognize them for what they are.

It's sad that we are not taught how to care about ourselves. Don't buy into the cultural myths of what it means to be a good or successful person. Accept yourself as you are, that's all there is to do <3
 
I get feelings of self hatred, worthlesness, even suicude but only a couple of times, i got a kid so its not an option for me. I too had a bit of a rough upbringing, Im not quite in the exact same place as you man, but come relate to much of what you say. I'm not real good @ offering advice, i just wanted to post and wish that you someday can find that something that helps change things, I bielieve everyone has one its really sad for me anyway when so many are in such despair.

Hang in there man, ur not alone here and there is hope for everyone.
we care, thats gotta be something;)
 
Dont make any decisions while you are worked up and while your mind is racing with thought. Relax, if you need to privately message me so you can share more details with me and I can possibly talk with you, feel absolutely free to do so. I have first hand experience with thoughts of suicide and depression and I am a little stabilized at this point, dont get me wrong, I have my days
..


Feel free to talk, I am here <3
 
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