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Want to call but still in doubt

^That was vague. What I meant to say was thanks but no thanks. Possibly to my detriment (or not), I am limiting myself to non-Western potential mates. But that's another thread altogether... I'll still call you for the fun of the conversation :D

I've backed off from emotionally desiring anything from him, but still putting effort out there. We met for many hours this week just talking. I called again a week after the first phone call. I get soo nervous and it's obvious to the point of funny.

He is undergrad, but going into clinical psych- So as we met under pretense of "helping relationship" the APA states that romantic involvement is unethical for 3-7 years. He is still putting some signals out there, but when I mention how I am free on the weekends (etc.) he seems to put up a wall. Other than that it looks like he's undressing me with his eyes.

I've decided to expect nothing (that he'll follow ethics) but still show keen interest, with detachment to the results. If anything I'm getting practice at dating-mindset. It's fun because I have no expectations.

The more pleasure I get, the more pain will come. 2 sides of the same coin. So I have to stay detached to protect myself. Can anyone relate?

Have a good week, people.
 
This is kinda OT, mami, but I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a very intelligent woman (yay smart girls!). You sound kinda down on yourself compared to the college kids, but your posts come across as well-written, well-articulated, and with an extended vocabulary. You don't sound dumb to me at all. There are some people in college and even graduates who do not have the ability to write good prose, and you have that ability. I'm guessing you read a lot?

Thanks to a dumb politician's kid who graduated college and was still illiterate, we have the Gordon rule here.

My grandfather was in WWII, and he dropped out in what is now middle school to take care of his mom after his dad died. He read a lot and was never a stupid guy, built his own business and lived a nice life without any college. I am the first person in my family to graduate college, and my family never though college was that important. Anyway, you remind me of him. He read so much that even without a degree, he was a highly intelligent person from books.
 
What makes you convinced he's undressing you with your eyes? Maybe it's because he's foreign? And/or a desire you have -- how lovely it would be for someone to want you so fiercely they undress you with their eyes, etc.

Power to the people that meditate! For me it makes life seem like a video game.

This "will he or won't he" game is fun to play, but like you said, the more pleasure the more pain.
 
All things beautiful hide some sort of pain, yet not all pain causes pleasure or leads to beauty...isn't that just cruelest thing you'd ever heard?
For shame.
 
@Lysis - I appreciate your sentiment. I have to ask - did it seem to you like I needed some validation re: my intellectual capacity? Or was it something you just felt to express? If it seemed like I wanted validation, I'd really like to change this. My therapists all comment on this too in the same way you did. I'm having low self esteem because of the low life choices I've made this year (mentioned in OP). I've had years of university education, but drug use has led me to move around, changing schools, with incomplete in 3 majors. This depresses me too. I just really don't want to sound like I need validation for my capacity - it is the terribe choice-making that makes me inadequate. Apparently I keep putting it out there somewhat distorted.

@KamMoye - More & more I am considering this whole thing to be a fabrication of my own desires. Today I meet him again. I think he is using my admiration to get me to express more of my mind, so that he can practice his clinical role. :p If it's true, he's exploiting me imo.

@CoffeeDrinker - The disempowering state of pain CAN be transformed! Pain is the control of error! An empowering messenger. Cosmic bliss is hidden in the tears. Ideally pain is reviewed and given a different connotation..
 
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mami,

Life's a trip. You know that all too well. You've experienced a lot and have a heightened awareness. It's overwhelming on a daily basis.

You already know what to do. In a few days, weeks or months it will be obvious, and when it is, don't beat yourself up about it.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting -- needing -- to receive validation. The strong admit it and find positive outlets for it.
 
mami, to answer your question to me: it's a vibe I get from you. I don't mean to be disrespectful or assume too much, but it's a vibe in your posts. I'm not trying to give you validation on that type of level I think you are taking it. I just get the vibe that you are down on yourself, and I know the feeling. I'm a smart girl myself, and sometimes, life hands me shit and I question myself. You don't sound like you are some kind of person looking for validation. I don't think these people are genuine. You sound like you genuinely think you are below these school boys you lust after, and from a stranger to you: you don't sound as if you are uneducated at all. You are very articulate, which IME is the sign of an intelligent person.
 
so, I started this thread a month ago..

..and I am still having so much fun. I have no idea if he's interested in us/together (or where this will go) but I really don't care. Our meetings are so long and great conversation and I still can't stop smiling!! Edit: 6 hours later still glowing!! Unreal.

BTW you people are very, very kind :)
 
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