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Want to blow my brains out!

sonicwhite

sonicwhite

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2012
Messages
2,433
Location
Oklahoma
I’m living in a torcher chamber. My mind constantly shows me all that I did wrong in life.

A conviction that I have to walk upright to hear Well Done Thy good and faithful servant.

Absolutely there is no more hope, cuz I can’t take reliving my 05 over and over.
 
Self forgiveness is the hardest pill to swallow. Maybe make peace that you’re not that person from 05 anymore. Idk
 
sonicwhite said:
I’m living in a torcher chamber. My mind constantly shows me all that I did wrong in life.

A conviction that I have to walk upright to hear Well Done Thy good and faithful servant.

Absolutely there is no more hope, cuz I can’t take reliving my 05 over and over.
Click to expand...

Hey friend, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. Here at BL we do have some resources that may help you with mental health, suicidal thoughts etc. There are a lot of caring, understanding and empathetic people that have gone through or are going through a lot. I might direct you to:

The Dark Side (There is a suicide support forum here)

Mental Health (You might be able to explore whatever issues are plaguing you here)

Best of luck to you and be well.
 
@sonicwhite I didn't know you back in 05 but I do remember your son you announced earlier this year. You have so much to live for, what's going in your life that your so down about suicide? I thought you got into recovery, did you relapse? Problems with the mother of your kid? What's going on?
 
Me thinks that lack of attention has caused one to have suicidal ideations to the tune of advertising it. I'm not without empathy, and I've had my dark hour come a few too many times, but not enough to make up a full day. Conversely, I work in an arena where these words are not uttered by those that actually load the weapon. If you are, however, then I invite you to consider one thing. Who are you actually taking the life of?
 
I've moved your thread to the dark side.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I was suicidally depressed for about 2 years. It's really horrible. :(

I wish you all the best. :(
 
JimmyJamesJim said:
Me thinks that lack of attention has caused one to have suicidal ideations to the tune of advertising it. I'm not without empathy, and I've had my dark hour come a few too many times, but not enough to make up a full day. Conversely, I work in an arena where these words are not uttered by those that actually load the weapon. If you are, however, then I invite you to consider one thing. Who are you actually taking the life of?
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Me thinks that a subconscious desire not to die is the reason to advertise it. I've worked with a lot of depressed patients, and while it might be a cry for attention in youths, it's not in most adult people. Usually on some level they want to live, but are plagued by surface thoughts of "just end it". These surface thoughts can win the fight if you're not careful, especially when people ignore your pleas or make them sound like nothing.

The notion of ignoring such pleas is what's bothering me more. So often suicidal thoughts are brushed away thinking "oh it's just a cry for attentioN", when it's not that at all. It's a cry for help.

@sonicwhite I'd advise you to think about what makes life worth living. I hear you recently had a kid? This is a very big reason to keep on, even if you're suffering. Don't forget you'd be taking a father from your kid, and create another life of problems. Maybe even lead your kid down the same rabbit hole.
Also please please please get your thyroid and lithium levels checked by a doctor. You might just have a major chemical imbalance due to drug abuse.

edit: I see you're living in the USA, so there's a possibility that you don't have health care. If that's the case, I urge you to PM me. I will ask you a few questions about your general feelings(only surface things, don't worry), and tell you what natural things/foods you can consume in order to get your chemical balance back :)
 
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@sonicwhite, man, I'm so sorry you feel so low right now. ♥ You're a good person, this is extremely obvious to me through your posts here. You have a lot of love to give and the desire to spread your love to others. Everyone makes mistakes, it's just the way of life. Getting too caught up in the past isn't healthy, try to look forward the future. Think about the things you have to live for... I think you had a kid recently, right? What are some past mistakes compared to the opportunity you now have to be there for your child, and help to produce a good person?

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, too. If I beat myself up over all of those things I can't change, I would be substantially less happy. And in fact I was doing that earlier this year, and I descended into a spiral of drug abuse and ended up in the ER from an overdose. Since then I've been learning to forgive myself and realize that it's okay if we make mistakes, mistakes are part of what help us grow as people.

Remember that life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. When you're down, it's SO hard to see outside of the haze of depression, but sure enough, as long as you keep striving for the good in life, those period pass and you feel better again and you become so glad that you kept on going. :)

If you need to talk, you can PM me. Much love brother. ❤
 
@ sonicwhite,
Fellow BL. I dont know you but ive been there too. Just this year, my wife died, then i was hospitalized etc etc. One blow after the other.
Everything i had ran like water through my hands. I would give everything to write my 15y old self a long letter. Sadly life doesnt go that Way. I have one reason to live, and when that goes and it will. Just a matter of time.
Then i will face dire consequences for decision made. It will probably not help you to say how many crippled, blind, dying of cancer etc people would gladly trade with you.
Count what you have! You have a child! Thats wonderful! Doesnt even that make you happy?
You owe it to that child to be there for it. Not other Way around. Sadly you dont tell us much about why you think you need to do that.
I dont want to say so much about myself but you need someone to talk! Look at it from another side! Which exists but you may currently not see. Look how many people offer to talk with you PM. Now you got one more. Please, use one of those.
Head up!
 
mokele said:
@ sonicwhite,
Fellow BL. I dont know you but ive been there too. Just this year, my wife died, then i was hospitalized etc etc. One blow after the other.
Everything i had ran like water through my hands. I would give everything to write my 15y old self a long letter. Sadly life doesnt go that Way. I have one reason to live, and when that goes and it will. Just a matter of time.
Then i will face dire consequences for decision made. It will probably not help you to say how many crippled, blind, dying of cancer etc people would gladly trade with you.
Count what you have! You have a child! Thats wonderful! Doesnt even that make you happy?
You owe it to that child to be there for it. Not other Way around. Sadly you dont tell us much about why you think you need to do that.
I dont want to say so much about myself but you need someone to talk! Look at it from another side! Which exists but you may currently not see. Look how many people offer to talk with you PM. Now you got one more. Please, use one of those.
Head up!
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The wage of sin is death Mokele.
Be kind to yourself, and no worries mate.
 
One more thing to consider
Would you wish your pain on your One? Better her to fall asleep with your love wrapped around her. Fulfilled your vows, I bet with a smile till eyes closed. That dedication is rare.
 
BK38 said:
Hey friend, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. Here at BL we do have some resources that may help you with mental health, suicidal thoughts etc. There are a lot of caring, understanding and empathetic people that have gone through or are going through a lot. I might direct you to:

The Dark Side (There is a suicide support forum here)

Mental Health (You might be able to explore whatever issues are plaguing you here)

Best of luck to you and be well.
Click to expand...
I think there is a specific suicidal thought thread as well.
 
While I have certainly been on the street, sleeping on trains, thinking there is no way out flirting with suicide, you cannot. What if you fuck up and live? What if you die and what is waiting for you isn't pretty.

2020 has been extra hard.

You can always maul someone so bad you get some time. Kinda my style. Each time I did time I came out clean and strong. Only a matter of time before my next cycle is coming. But will never kill myself, would rather die in withdrawal getting my ass kicked.
 
TheInvisibleStoner said:
While I have certainly been on the street, sleeping on trains, thinking there is no way out flirting with suicide, you cannot. What if you fuck up and live? What if you die and what is waiting for you isn't pretty.

2020 has been extra hard.

You can always maul someone so bad you get some time. Kinda my style. Each time I did time I came out clean and strong. Only a matter of time before my next cycle is coming. But will never kill myself, would rather die in withdrawal getting my ass kicked.
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Only way to get clean? Dammit to hell man, I’m sorry.
 
I didn't say that was the ONLY way to get clean. Where did you interpret that? There are 100's of ways to get clean. Catching a case so that you are forced into the system is preferable to killing yourself. You think otherwise?

Its certainly 1 way to get clean, though.
 
TheInvisibleStoner said:
I didn't say that was the ONLY way to get clean. Where did you interpret that? There are 100's of ways to get clean. Catching a case so that you are forced into the system is preferable to killing yourself. You think otherwise?

Its certainly 1 way to get clean, though.
Click to expand...
Referring only to YOU. I know not the only, cool your jets.
 
@ Wudbutcher
Off topic, i'd rather hear OP tell some more about why.....!!!
I dont catch your drift.
 
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