• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Wakin up. AHH! Is this me?

NoPromiseMade

NoPromiseMade

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 22, 2010
Messages
198
Location
Houston TX
Maybe this would be better as a blog entry idk. So being the cursed universe that it is, I woke up this morning after a weekend of debaucherous hedonistic group drug use and sex. Is this my apartment? Are those dirty needles in the bathroom mine? The beer bottles everywhere did they come into being by some cult of crazed alcoholics?

But yes I woke up this morning, which is a miracle in of itself. (My friends said I had a seizure after doing some junk, I have never had a seizure). As I was cleaning everything up, I was just struck by the thought that this isnt me. But every time I do these things it becomes me. Jebus, when I was fourteen I couldnt even stand the sight of needles, now my arms look like punch cards. I can't believe I got over a horrendous pill addiction to shoot junk every weekend. I dont even crave, it's just that I dont know how to have fun without drugs. I want to call one of my friends and tell them that I've fucked up but for one reason or another there's nobody I can call.

I need to stop hanging out with this girl, she's trouble. Easy pussy, it will be the death of me. She's a smackhead, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's a really freaky/great lay. I dont love her, but I am oddly attached in a way I cant explain. I want to tell her to F*ck off and find someone else to f*ck with. But everytime she calls I fall into her. I literally cant control myself.

God, another week of long sleeves, no money and feeling like a fuck up.

Any support, even if it's a dont do this and that post would be greatly appreciated, I feel like an alien.
 
Hey, that sounds like a fun lifestyle, but you can't keep it up forever. Are you using every day? Or is it just weekends or what? Either way, it seems like you've come to a point where you are examining your life and are ready to move onto something else. Seems like you should slowly quit doing everything, maybe not cold turkey, but just gradually move out of that lifestyle and start doing other positive things that you want to do. Good luck bro, hope it all works out.
 
Not everyday, but getting high on opiates once or twice a week. This weekend was a binge though. I am not addicted, i dont even feel anxiety when I dont use. Which to me is the trademark of psychological addiction. The only reason I use is because I dont know a better way. Thanks for replying. Maybe I should go back to NA.
 
NoPromiseMade said:
The only reason I use is because I dont know a better way.
Click to expand...

A better way to do what, exactly? Well if you aren't addicted I don't see much of a problem, especially if you are balancing the fun with other things that are positive and develop you as a person, ya kno? And isn't regular sex supposed to be really good for you?

Of course, that would be bad to get a smack addict pregnant. In what ways is she having bad effects on your life? Just the drugs?
 
She is a blackhole when it comes to money and drugs, I really would like to find another girl but I dont really have anything to offer other than just my time and personality. I know that's what a girl really wants but I dont want to get into a relationship just so a girl can take care of me. So she fills the role of a sexual partner... I guess she really isnt having any bad effects that I dont allow to happen.
 
If you find the right person, your time and personality will be worth the world to them. It's not my place to say, but it sounds like you need a long break from your lifestyle of hedonism and the woman who keeps pulling you back there.
 
It's funny how we have snapshots of who we are and we hold onto them long after all the evidence shows that we're no longer that person.

Just as who you were before doesn't define who you are now, who you are now need not define who you are in the future. Who do you want to be a year from now and what would it take for you to become that person?

There's a reason for the old saying about not sticking your dick in the crazy. It rarely ends well and eventually even the awesome sex isn't enough to make up for everything else which comes with it. Unfortunately, calling it quits is often when you get to see the real extent of the craziness.
 
Wow those last two posts were badass thanks alot guys. Next time she calls I AM NOT fucking answering. Thanks again.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top