Wake Me Up When September Ends

Dude. That song lyric is SO PERFECT for this month. You have no idea.

I don't know if I'm going through a rough patch, or if I've just been having a particularly voluminous amount of shit being thrown at me by this one bitch called life lately, or what. But I do know that it is not good, and that it is becoming harder and harder to stay positive and see the bright side of every situation, and that I'm swallowing more and more pills because of it...

Which is, of course, the main issue with this problem. The fucking pills. I'm headed back down the rabbit hole, except this time it's benzos I'm turning to... and maybe an extra Suboxone strip here and there. I'd kill for a good opiate high. Nothing good is going to come of this if it keeps going on this way, but honestly. I don't know how to fix it anymore. I'm already seeing an addiction specialist, going to therapy, and working toward bettering my own life in other areas... so what the fuck?

You know what it all boils down to... loneliness. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again and again - loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. If you knew me in real life, you'd probably be laughing at this right now and wondering how I could possibly be lonely. That's what everyone I DO know in real life does, anyway, when I try to talk about it. But guess what? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW EITHER.

I know I miss **** more than I can even handle sometimes. I know I'm constantly feeling uneasy about this other guy. I know I've been single for two years, and being around couples 24/7... no, literally - 24/7 - EVERYONE I know is either in a relationship or has someone consistent... is starting to weigh on me, and I'm feeling the pressure. But this feeling is worse than just a simple, "Oh, I miss this guy, I'm confused about this other guy, and I'm starting to want a boyfriend." It's straight up emptiness.

Like, it hits me out of no where - alone, with family, with a group of friends - doesn't matter what I'm doing, either. It just strikes when it feels like it, with seemingly no trigger whatsoever. It's a hard feeling to describe, how do you describe the word "empty" in a human being? I can describe an empty glass. I can say: "There is no liquid or any other substance in that glass." But I cannot describe an empty xburtonchic. It's just an overwhelming feeling of loss, meaninglessness, and hopelessness... and, of course, loneliness. I want to cry, scream, and punch a baby all at the same time. But I take pills instead.

I know I'm self medicating. I know I should be writing it down somewhere, or talking about it, or doing yoga. I don't want to take pills. But pills are more effective than yoga or anything else. So I take them. And it works. It's just SO SIMPLE. I can swallow 5 or 6 pills at a time and feel like a whole person again within a half an hour. Amazing. Of course, benzos don't work as well as opiates do... but, you know. Opiates don't get me high anymore because of the fucking Suboxone, so I'll take what I can get.

I get this feeling every once in a while. And yes, I always fill the hole by taking pills. The problem is, I've been getting this feeling almost EVERY SINGLE DAY this past month. It's like all of my positive vibes are draining away with the sun. And the problem with this being in every day sort of thing is that I'm short... WAY short... on both my Suboxone and Xanax scripts this month.

I'm going through some sick depression type thing, and all I can worry about is running out of pills before my refill. Cool.

What the fuck.

Anyways. I need some advice, Bluelight. Because running out of Suboxone is one thing, but running out of benzos when I've been taking up to (at most) 12 a day sometimes (though it's usually only 6 or so, but who's counting) is dangerous. My addiction specialist is pretty cool. Do you guys think I should schedule an earlier appointment? Explain what's going on? He's an addiction specialist - he deals with addicts. He has to understand. I mean, everyone has their rough spots right? Almost every addict regresses at one point or another in their recovery, don't they? It's not like I'm taking them to get high. Well, technically, I am. But not for recreational purposes. I'm taking them so I can get a couple hours relief from that constant gaping, aching feeling I have in my chest that never goes away. Believe me, I've tried everything. Yoga. A chamomile/St John's Wort/Valerian Root/Gaia Melissa Lemon Balm tea. Breathing techniques. Exercise. Writing. Talking. None of it works. Pills work, though. Pills work quite beautifully.

So should I talk to my addiction specialist about this, or what?

I really don't know anymore. About anything. Except that I'm tired of this feeling. And I'm really tired of needing to take copious amounts of pills in order to fix it. The only thing I've learned is that before I try to fight this particular demon, I have to find and confront the ones hiding in my closet. I guess all I can hope for is that this isn't going to be a lifelong battle - that it's just a temporary thing, and that maybe it will just all go away soon...

 

Pills are faster and easier than therapy/yoga/etc..., but are not more effective in the long run. Your inkings of the nascent addiction I think shows that you realize this. It's the quick band-aid fix that requires no work, but winds up taking a larger toll in the long run and does nothing to help the root cause of the problem.

I don't talk about this too often any more, but I've been single for just over 13 years, not counting a couple of short-term (as in < 1 month) things. I won't get into the details of why that is (it's a combination of a lot of issues), but I'm an expert on being alone. It is a couple's world, and that can really weigh on you after a while. All that I can suggest is that a relationship just for the sake of not being single is hollow, pointless, and in the end entirely unsatisfying. Work on you: find and develop your passions, learn new skills, build your life and take advantage of what comes your way; you'll be surrounded by cool people in surprisingly little time. 2 years seems like forever, especially when you're young. Don't rush things; you have many years in which to figure out what works best for you.

 

I know. But I really have tried all of that stuff long-term, too. I've been having these feelings since I was a little girl, I can remember very clearly the first time it washed over me. I was 6, laying on the couch watching TV, while my dad was rubbing my back. And then just out of no where came this fleeting... emptiness. And it would come every once in a while ever since then. But this last month has just be like... ugh. Like I said it's usually very fleeting and... well, not rare, but not common either... but now it lasts for hours at a time and it's happening almost every day. I have no idea what's wrong.

When I was younger, I didn't know what it was at all, just that it was the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, but that it didn't make me cry for some reason. It still doesn't, which is strange. Then I got older, and I used to think it had to do with being adopted and that it would go away if I met my birth parents and biological family. Then, I thought maybe "love" could fill it. Although to my 14 year old self, love = sex. Which was not the case. Then I did fall in love when I was 16, was in a 3 and a half year relationship with him... and I still remember laying on his bed one night after we had sex and having that empty feeling come over me again. So yeah, I honestly don't think being single is the problem. I'm sure the things I named in my blog aggravate it a bit, but there's some underlying cause for it that I don't know about. Therapists have their own ideas, but eh. Idk about that one.

Guess I forgot to mention that it's been happening since I was a child. Which probably kind of took away the entire point of that blog lol.

EDIT: I've read about it A LOT by the way since then, trying to figure out what it was. The closest thing I can describe it to is ego death. Not total ego death, but definitely reminiscient of it.

 

Oh and that still begs the question:
To tell my addiction specialist that I've been taking way more than my allotted dose this month, or not to tell my addiction specialist? I'm worried about running out of xanax and going into bad benzo w/d's, really not a fan of the idea of having a seizure... but I don't want him to cut me off either. :/