Hannah Capps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2006
- Messages
- 1,447
I've got some things to just get off my chest...not a rant, just some sads (I'm human)
I've come to the realization. I'm one of the few in the neurodiverse community that loves God and tries to live by what I believe, more avant-garde than even those auties around me. Often I'm told to sit down and shut up... This isn't poor me...it's just lonely sometimes...
Honestly, having struggled as I did for 17 years alienated me from many in my faith community; heck, even God said as much in a prophecy spoken over me while at Mercy Ministries, which was interesting... Also, Him saying, "Others have misstreated you and that makes you angry. Guess what it makes Me angry too! You can be angry but you can't stay angry; we've been dealing with that ticking time bomb." Yea, God, we have...
The humbling truth is, everything God's done for me, He's doing through me. Many don't 'get it,' and that's OK; I'm generally very easygoing...man, I was angry in my 20s. I was joyful and angry; now it makes sense...the enemy was trying to take me out... Evil is very real, and it tried to end my life/made it miserable for years...of my own violation, thoughts from past social trauma, and social hazing as a teen in highschool and then college as a young adult... Self-expression exploded all over and it scared even those online/IRL friends who were of faith or not... Had some eclectic friends, just a select few who grew up and were very hardened, if that makes sense...they were scared for me...
I've spoken of Greg, screen name Lestat/Limpit Chiken. for 14 years we were close online platonic frineds...he passed away in 2019... He was the only one who stuck around through the thick and thin... He was the exact opposite of me in every way you can imagine... From manchester UK foul mouthed yet loveable... Also had autism... He had a goth/frankly scary appearance and snarky outlook with some creatively colorful swear words... funny side note, when ozzy passed away, I bawled my eyes out because it reminded me of Greg... "Bloke went out on his own fooking terms; rest easy, you son of a shyt." <------that's something he would've said...think goth tommy shelby
Man I miss his "pale arse" so much...bittersweet now...
Anyway...
I know many here are of very different backgrounds, beliefs, and points in this journey of life. Life has a way of beating the ever-loving shit out of you...and that has mellowed me a lot...
I guess my point is that if I can try to be me and yet respect others...a question always on my mind that just grieves me...why can't those I get to know do the same? Not joe blow or plain jane...good friendships have just ended and it's confused me because I'm a fierce friend, loyal...I guess it's overwhelming to them? I used to sit by kids in elementary school, the few who'd talk to me...sit by them too close. I had no concept of personal bubble. The same can be said sometimes on the http://www... Had many girls growing up just call me out of the blue and tell me, "Yeah, I don't want to be your friend anymore; don't come over." (dial tone) High school music was my haven...when I crushed on the few guys who'd been looked over by other guys and girls, all of a sudden they were just like, 'woah maby we should give them a second look...'I don't know, perhaps a backhanded compliment?
Seeing a pattern here? Yeah...
At any rate, thanks for reading this waffle... I'm OK otherwise; nothing else to report on my end... It's therapeutic to type things out, though...
I've come to the realization. I'm one of the few in the neurodiverse community that loves God and tries to live by what I believe, more avant-garde than even those auties around me. Often I'm told to sit down and shut up... This isn't poor me...it's just lonely sometimes...
Honestly, having struggled as I did for 17 years alienated me from many in my faith community; heck, even God said as much in a prophecy spoken over me while at Mercy Ministries, which was interesting... Also, Him saying, "Others have misstreated you and that makes you angry. Guess what it makes Me angry too! You can be angry but you can't stay angry; we've been dealing with that ticking time bomb." Yea, God, we have...
The humbling truth is, everything God's done for me, He's doing through me. Many don't 'get it,' and that's OK; I'm generally very easygoing...man, I was angry in my 20s. I was joyful and angry; now it makes sense...the enemy was trying to take me out... Evil is very real, and it tried to end my life/made it miserable for years...of my own violation, thoughts from past social trauma, and social hazing as a teen in highschool and then college as a young adult... Self-expression exploded all over and it scared even those online/IRL friends who were of faith or not... Had some eclectic friends, just a select few who grew up and were very hardened, if that makes sense...they were scared for me...
I've spoken of Greg, screen name Lestat/Limpit Chiken. for 14 years we were close online platonic frineds...he passed away in 2019... He was the only one who stuck around through the thick and thin... He was the exact opposite of me in every way you can imagine... From manchester UK foul mouthed yet loveable... Also had autism... He had a goth/frankly scary appearance and snarky outlook with some creatively colorful swear words... funny side note, when ozzy passed away, I bawled my eyes out because it reminded me of Greg... "Bloke went out on his own fooking terms; rest easy, you son of a shyt." <------that's something he would've said...think goth tommy shelby
Man I miss his "pale arse" so much...bittersweet now...
Anyway...
I know many here are of very different backgrounds, beliefs, and points in this journey of life. Life has a way of beating the ever-loving shit out of you...and that has mellowed me a lot...
I guess my point is that if I can try to be me and yet respect others...a question always on my mind that just grieves me...why can't those I get to know do the same? Not joe blow or plain jane...good friendships have just ended and it's confused me because I'm a fierce friend, loyal...I guess it's overwhelming to them? I used to sit by kids in elementary school, the few who'd talk to me...sit by them too close. I had no concept of personal bubble. The same can be said sometimes on the http://www... Had many girls growing up just call me out of the blue and tell me, "Yeah, I don't want to be your friend anymore; don't come over." (dial tone) High school music was my haven...when I crushed on the few guys who'd been looked over by other guys and girls, all of a sudden they were just like, 'woah maby we should give them a second look...'I don't know, perhaps a backhanded compliment?
Seeing a pattern here? Yeah...
At any rate, thanks for reading this waffle... I'm OK otherwise; nothing else to report on my end... It's therapeutic to type things out, though...
