Virtuoso

[New]

Time slipping away
In a day
Scaring the weak away
I'm a freak - quite chic
Antique soul in a shiny veneer
Insincere, just polishing off
The last quaff of style
Stopped to rile
The wanting of miles
Of the needing of
Identifying with me
'Cause you can see
In ME what you want to be
An arrogant fuck with the luck
Of the Devil - Disheveled
My life a beveled edge
Just slanted like a downhill skill


Drop



Don't ever fucking stop

 

[RareForm]

in my head: could be the beginning of a badass breaks song.
very nice.

 

[New]

Thanks, man.

 

[lostNfound]

momentous repetition works well in this, it felt like this was rolling down hill and building up speed and then comes the line, 'like a downhill skill', boom. NICE work.

of the needing of doesn't work too well though

 

[leiphos]

Wow, the end is strange, with those two sort of fallen lines. I was going to say something completely different/unrelated, but those two lines threw me off. Am I allowed to say that? I don't mean to be too critical, I just think the poem is awesome up to the end, which appears quite anomalous and unrelated in context.

Anyway, man, I like the internal rhymes a lot. They work. Especially since you use so many "clichés"; the rhymes help to present those trite idioms in a fresh and cross-referenced manner. It's interesting.

All your poems bewilder me, Samael, to be honest. But they are all pretty good. And they are good because they are bewildering. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

EDIT (4:18pm EST):

I agree with lostNfound. As a writing professor once told me (like a million years ago when I was 14), think of prepositions as addition marks (+ symbols). You're adding things together. After a while, the individual parts lose their power. Prepositions should be used sparingly.

What about this edit (if you don't like it, that's cool. I'm just one voice here):

"The wanting miles,
needing
to identify with me"

Of course, this changes the meaning (slightly), but the linguistic flow is vastly improved. It's a sacrifice, but perhaps a good one - perhaps not. Editing is always about balancing cost-benefit.

Sorry if I'm being too analytical for this forum. If I'm breaking any rules, just let me know and I'll hold back more. Sorry in advance if this is the case.

 

[New]

Thanks. I don't often ask for critiques, so it's nice to have them.

The ending is sort of a "pause notation" form I tried to use, to separate and strengthen the impact of the two lines. And the "of the needing of" is indeed filler to hold the rhythm in place.

I would say you have fair criticisms, guys.

And thanks for reading.:D