Violent drunk night

[Bassas]

Hello all. Don't know if this is the right place for this or not. I wandered here and read through another thread & it seemed to be supportive, smart, & helpful, and I need to hear some people's opinions. And sometimes it's easier to ask the Internet than call everyone I know, and drag them into my own personal drama...
Basically my friend & my boyfriend got really drunk the other night. My friend, who is also my roommate lately, was being kind of manic, as he gets sometimes. He was being antagonistic to my boyfriend, who they normally get along super well & are friends in their own right. At one point he starting pushing my boyfriend, who has PTSD from childhood abuse. Well he snapped & shoved him to the ground & choked him out for a second. My bf is a much bigger guy and I was worried he would hurt my friend. (We'll call him Brian...) Anyways, they cooled down and a little while later Brian went for a cigarette. Bf went to talk to him and make things cool, after he walked away, Brian sank down and collapsed on a parking lot.
We told him he couldn't sleep there and tried to drag him up. He refused to help or participate & was just limp dead weight, even though he'd just walked up a hill 2 minutes before. My bf tried to help him up, get him to walk, carry him, but to no avail. Then he started hitting him with a stick, not to hurt him but just to motivate him to get up. After a while he got up in a rage & charged at bf. Which got him immediately knocked down again. I just wanted my friend helped out, and was upset he was back on the ground after trying so hard to help him up. Even though Brian kept initiating and antagonizing everything, my bf reacted with more physical violence to him than I'm comfortable with & it scared me. At one point I jumped in trying to pull him off Brian, because I was afraid he would seriously harm him while he was already in a bad state. At this point I bit him. Not super proud of that choice in retrospect. Then after more stick hitting, attempts to drag, or get him to walk to our apartment (which was like 30 feet away..), he got up in a rage again. This time he charged at me & shoved me. It was really scary & I could see the rage in his eyes, like he wasn't even there. In almost 10 years of friendship, he has never ever gotten remotely physical w me before. After I got shoved, my bf cracked him in the jaw, knocked him down and choked him out. I don't think he did any truly serious harm, no broken teeth or blood or anything, but again it was really scary to watch one person I love harming another. After this my bf got off. We tried to call 911 on my friend bc we didn't know what else to do. Then he got up a little. The two charging & getting up during the 911 call makes my bf think he was faking his 'episode' or trying to get attention. At this point he was 10 feet from the front door. We dragged him to the hallway and left him there. 20 min later he brought himself up the 2 flights of stairs to my apartment.
Now my bf is furious with him for trying to hurt me. It also brought back childhood memories of his mom getting beat by random boyfriends. He says I'm making too many excuses for my friend. This friend has been there for me in some of my very darkest times, more than almost anyone. I was scared that he came at me, but I look at it as he wasn't in a right state of mind. I don't really think of it as abusive. Am I being delusional? Sorry, I feel like this was so long, and yet it's still only the short version. My life is kind of a hot mess it feels like. If anyone responds maybe I will post more details. Well thanks in advance, and in any case it helped to write it out some.

 

[Tinker55]

Why would you even try and become involved in what was clearly a situation that was out of control?

 

[Moreaux]

It sounds like your friend has some issues he needs to resolve, and could benefit from therapy. It also sounds like he should abstain from getting drunk. As for your bf, he may have been more forceful then normal because of booze as well. More details would help. Also, how old are you guys, particularly your friend? Have you spoken to your friend regarding this incident, and if yes, what did they say? Are they taking any medication that you're aware of?

The quick easy advice would be to avoid your friend if he's drinking. It sounds like he was in a blackout, and it's possible for this to happen again in the future. I also think you need to talk to him about the incident if you haven't already. Do you have some place else you can stay at if he starts getting agitated the next time he drinks?

 

[Bassas]

Thanks for your response. I've talked to him about it some, probably need to more. My main issue with him now is that he's denying he shoved me & making it seem like he is just an innocent victim of the situation and that its all my boyfriends fault. My friend is in his early 30s and the rest of us are in our late 20s.
I've really wanted him to get therapy for years now, I have wondered if he could be bipolar, or at least has depression, self worth, & motivation issues, not to mention not taking responsibility for his problems.
My bf has said he plans on taking a big time out from any drinking or going to bars. My friend hasn't spoken to that yet, but I think it would be wise...

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Hey,you mentioned brian has never hurt you and was there for you during some dark times and is a long time friend.Could something in the way that your bf spoke or treated recently you bring this anger on?if not,maybe something disturbing happened in brians life which he hasn't shared with anyone.A mind is a maze with unknown secrets.Some we share some we don't.I'm not condoning what happened or saying if there's something wrong his actions is acceptable but usually odd behaviour is the surface of something deep to look into.if its bipolar(I'm bipolar)he needs help and right meds if he's state is progressing towards violence.I myself was moody irritable and depressed,but never violent(even when I was high on codeine or other meds not meant for my condition,I don't drink at all)so it could be numerous things but look into it someone could seriously been injured,make sure there isn't a next time.its true what they say prevention is better than cure.

 

[herbavore]

Bottom line is that they both need to own up to being physically out of control. People think that by admitting a wrong they are exposing themselves to the danger of never being trusted but it is actually the opposite. I can forgive someone almost anything if they own up and take responsibility for it. Alcohol was a factor, PTSD was a factor and maybe mental illness may be a factor but no matter what, people can take responsibility for their own actions and grow from it. Blame isn't going to do anyone any good; understanding is.