I remember being in a house. Many houses. Violent happenings. Fear. Protection/protecting. A man and another. Plants. Feeling like I was invisible, or out of phase at times. Entering houses. Pools. Rich houses.
The main thing I remember is my ex. My first real girlfriend... Well, my first girlfriend after I had hair on my balls and that I kissed and was with for a time- a year or so. Katie. I don't remember what capacity she was there in, but I had a feeling that persisted through today, of her. I still love this one, even as I accept us as separate, and far from each other. Seeing pictures of her with her children make me happy, to see. Or I smile. Honestly, looking back, I've had four serious relationships, and she was the best. Maybe that's just the way I look at it, but she was the sweetest, and seemingly, least damaged. She was always cheerful, even if fragile in ways, and sensitive. She always tried to be cheerful. To make me smile. She was wonderful.
Katie was pre-drug use. I was against drug use when I was with her. I acted very adult. It was basically a choice I made. This is part of why older girls were interested in me, I think. I made adult choices at that time, in part because of her, I think. I don't know. I'm just talking. It was only after her that I got into drug use. Starting with alcohol. But alcohol was because of sex. I wanted to explore sexually. She didn't allow that. She was here and there with it. Sometimes she'd be open to letting me closer. She'd seem like she wanted to go further. Then she'd cry when we'd almost have sex.
Quite honestly, I wish I had just known what I had with her, sometimes. Even though I tell myself that I can't regret and we weren't for each other, it wasn't her that was the problem... It was me, not seeing what a wonderful girl she was. Not that I was capable. We spoke seriously about getting married. Had plans to marry after college. After she became a nurse and I did whatever in psychology. That went away her first year at nursing school, when just prior to going she brought up separating because if the paths we were on, and my desire for things like sexual things, and the kind of music I was enjoying... But we stayed together. I cried that time. I didn't cry when we finally did break up not a couple months later. I just let go. It was nothing to me. I don't know. I think I put up a wall after the first time she mentioned breaking up with me, and rejecting music of the first concert we went to, like it was unholy and she wanted to be pure.
It sounds like she was a prude or too strict, but really, none of this (certain decadence?) has gotten me anywhere. Not the music. Not the sex (and drugs? well... if I knew the answer back then, I might not have needed drugs... I don't know. I can't really shut all this experience out, but...). None of it has benefited me at all. Rock music is mostly listening to other people balance themselves. It is worthless crap. Most music is. Yea, I enjoy it. "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness", that's how it goes. You can be in love with a certain kind of feeling bad, and so goes your life you fucked up person.
I don't know. I don't really believe some of my words but I have had these thoughts before. What I gave up, for what?
I admit I at times wasn't so attracted to her. But at times, my God, I was. She was awesome. She was sweet. And I felt that today.
In my dream, it was like I was with her, again, and I was protecting her, or trying to.
The main thing I remember is my ex. My first real girlfriend... Well, my first girlfriend after I had hair on my balls and that I kissed and was with for a time- a year or so. Katie. I don't remember what capacity she was there in, but I had a feeling that persisted through today, of her. I still love this one, even as I accept us as separate, and far from each other. Seeing pictures of her with her children make me happy, to see. Or I smile. Honestly, looking back, I've had four serious relationships, and she was the best. Maybe that's just the way I look at it, but she was the sweetest, and seemingly, least damaged. She was always cheerful, even if fragile in ways, and sensitive. She always tried to be cheerful. To make me smile. She was wonderful.
Katie was pre-drug use. I was against drug use when I was with her. I acted very adult. It was basically a choice I made. This is part of why older girls were interested in me, I think. I made adult choices at that time, in part because of her, I think. I don't know. I'm just talking. It was only after her that I got into drug use. Starting with alcohol. But alcohol was because of sex. I wanted to explore sexually. She didn't allow that. She was here and there with it. Sometimes she'd be open to letting me closer. She'd seem like she wanted to go further. Then she'd cry when we'd almost have sex.
Quite honestly, I wish I had just known what I had with her, sometimes. Even though I tell myself that I can't regret and we weren't for each other, it wasn't her that was the problem... It was me, not seeing what a wonderful girl she was. Not that I was capable. We spoke seriously about getting married. Had plans to marry after college. After she became a nurse and I did whatever in psychology. That went away her first year at nursing school, when just prior to going she brought up separating because if the paths we were on, and my desire for things like sexual things, and the kind of music I was enjoying... But we stayed together. I cried that time. I didn't cry when we finally did break up not a couple months later. I just let go. It was nothing to me. I don't know. I think I put up a wall after the first time she mentioned breaking up with me, and rejecting music of the first concert we went to, like it was unholy and she wanted to be pure.
It sounds like she was a prude or too strict, but really, none of this (certain decadence?) has gotten me anywhere. Not the music. Not the sex (and drugs? well... if I knew the answer back then, I might not have needed drugs... I don't know. I can't really shut all this experience out, but...). None of it has benefited me at all. Rock music is mostly listening to other people balance themselves. It is worthless crap. Most music is. Yea, I enjoy it. "You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness", that's how it goes. You can be in love with a certain kind of feeling bad, and so goes your life you fucked up person.
I don't know. I don't really believe some of my words but I have had these thoughts before. What I gave up, for what?
I admit I at times wasn't so attracted to her. But at times, my God, I was. She was awesome. She was sweet. And I felt that today.
In my dream, it was like I was with her, again, and I was protecting her, or trying to.