Hey worried, I work in the mental health profession and Im certainly not trying to give any diagnosis or anything because I am not a doctor, but as others have said and even you as well, I do suspect that what your feeling is a type of OCD called 'harm, violent, morbid or agression obsession.' Perhaps you could google those terms and read a little about it and see if it feels like what youve been experiencing. Your also right, in that these types of things do tend to genetically run in families. While OCD is not my exact field of study, I can also relate in that I have also been plagued by these types of intrusive thoughts and my dad had similar anixety as well..
Its as if the VERY thing you fear MOST is what will plague you, and I SO get that it is scary. Just as a side note, have you found yourself performing any kind of rituals or habits in hopes of keeping these things from happening? If so, this can also point towards Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.As you probably know, OCD doesnt always involve those who are obsessively clean or who wash thier hands hundreds of times a day, it can also come in many other forms, one of which is in our thought patterns.
I know that these thoughts most likely make you feel guility or even think that your a bad person but the truth is actually to the complete contrary! Even you said you are not a violent person, and the fact that you fear acting out violently is becoming so intrusive proves how uncomfortable with it you really are. Its a paradox of sorts and the brain can trick us into believing that we cannot trust our actions and make us very uncertain about the future.
Cognitive Behavioral therapy really would help with reframing the way you see these thoughts and with retraining your emotional reactions to them.Like someone else said, because you have learned to fear these thoughts and that they are so distrubing to you, over time they can slowly turn into an obsession. This does NOT mean however, that you are going to act on them or that you are a bad person and that you cannot trust yourself, it is simply a thought.
If in fact that is what is causing this,I found a couple perfect quotes about this that explain what OCD is and what treatment will do and heres is also the paradox I was just telling you about:
"The secret to living with uncertainty is . . . learning to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty."( once you learn to do that the power that these thoughts seem to have will slowly diminish.) and....
"OCD treatment involves recalibrating your belief system and creating experiences to teach the emotional part of your brain what the logical part of your brain already knows."
Just know that you are not abnormal, nothing is wrong with you and you are definately NOT alone in this.You are just most likely suffering from a type of anxiety that is common to many.I do think finding a good therapist and doctor would be a great first step for you.There are places that can work with you on a sliding scale if you cant afford the prices. Try to google this and it will tell you a bit more about how to access therapy where you live easier:
"6 Cheap Ways to Get Mental Health Care"
I also agree with the above poster that the best type of therapist would either be a 'cognitive behavioral therapist' or a 'rational emotive behavioral therapist.' These people are really trained on how to work through these types of negative thought patterns whereas other therapists may just sit and talk with you. If you dont feel comfortable telling your family what youve been going through then you dont have to however,I am certain that with your mother having suffered through similar things as well she would also understand.
Of course,you dont have to tell them anything if you dont want to but if you need support and want to tell them something just let them know that you are suffering from anxiety because in its simplest form thats just what it is!
I wish you all the best and Im glad you got the courage up to share here. The people are great on these boards and chances are your going to find alot of people who are going through the very same thing. Like I said, I have the same types of thoughts and was diagnosed as having OCD as well, however mine are just of a slightly different nature and therapy alone has done wonders for me! Good Luck, if you ever need anyone to talk to you can PM me anytime.
