iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
June 4th, 1999
I was in Scranton, Penna.
Lying in a hospital bed.
Almost dead.
No one even knew the servereties
of it all.
I was living in Vermont.
I moved there with my love,
escaping the world
and life
so we could live happily
without anyone,
except for one another.
We hardly had any money at all
but I still managed to buy this couch,
1000 dollars in a store called Pinache.
It's maybe the only thing I have from 'us'
and it's broken in half
because it wouldn't fit in the door
of the apartment,
I just moved into.
I was driving back to PA
one day
because he had an army reserve
meeting...
God, i hate them....
for this emotional turmoil.
This was a time when there was still
this HUGE beenie baby craze....
They 'hit' the McDonald's up there,
before PA, a certain kind
that was sold out in my hometown...
and my sister
wanted it more than ever.
We had gotten into a fight a few days before.
I knew I was going to PA
and wanted to suprise her with it,
her birthday was the next day (5).
I had gotten into a fight with Joe,
on the way there.
He reminded me to put on my seatbelt.
I told him to go to hell.
Not to tell me what to do.
I never drove the whole way,
we usually switched places.
But that day,
my bitter sarcasticness stayed
I drove all the way,
without my seatbelt
before i was ejected.
We had about 45 minutes left
on the 4 hour and some minute drive...
I had the stereo blasting
"NO LOVE" (get up kids)
I went back to the track to replay it
screaming the words.
I was in the passing lane,
and the red (?) van ahead,
wasn't passing.
Already doing 75 I wanted
to get back in the other lane
and pass him the hard way.
I thought I saw a car
after I started to drift right,
so I swerved.
And lost control.
And lost control
and lost control......
And I remember on 84,
or was it 83?????
Flying down, quite a few feet........
the road went into a HUGE divet
with trees
and all i could think is
I AM GOING TO DIE.
*******************
I'm stood up in the woods,
car had no hood
and i am 30 feet away....
"how am i going to get that back on the interstate?"
Not realizing what had happened.
My ankle gives out,
I fall to the ground
and notice my buggirl pants
covered in blood.
oh gosh...... joeeeeeeee joooooooooe.
Is he dead?????????
Moments later he comes running...
rips his shirt off,
puts it to my head.....
to cover my eye
that was completely slashed.
Where's the paramedics?
They were called....
but will be 25 minutes..........
WHAT???
Passer-bys pull over
and comfort me.
All I want to do, is close my eyes and sleep.
but that's NOT aloud.
they keep me away.
I can't shut my eyes, and rest.
perhaps i won't wake up.
They humor me.
And finally,
I am carried
into a truck with flashy lights.
I stare at the ceiling,
head hurting.....
head fucking POUNDING.
And my single eye
is focused on this dimmed light
in the ambulance.
Some paramedics talking...
can't make out what they are saying.
We get to Scranton Medical Center.
I'm in Emergency.....
I laugh and joke with them
'give me a mirror, let me see my torn up eye'
they tell me later.......
They try to call my sister...... no answer.
They send me for a CAT scan.
I start to CRY.
I get histerical.
I can't move.
I'm bruised
all over.
It HURTS to lay still.
I beg them, I plead with them
to not make me
go ALL the way in that tunnel.
...to just send me in half way.
I see the doctors from the room
behind the glass
pointing at computer screens.
i immediately start to cry.
WHAT WHAT, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
It's the sense of knowning
when something is wrong?
Am I going to DIE?
AM I?
HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE I WON'T?
HOW HOW?
I'm lying in a bed,
refusing to be wheeled anywhere.....
to surgery,
for recovery....
anywhere......
without telling him....
that I love him.
And if i were to die there.....
that late afternoon,
that last words I wanted to speak
where those.
They couldn't find him at first,
he was being treated for his own
things........
but as I signed away my life
on paper.......
a scribble as it turned to be
stating my family wouldn't sue
if something
happened,
if I died.....
they found him.
they noticed the fear in my eyes.
And granted me,
at least that.
I told him I loved him.......
And i refused to speak
as I was being wheeled away......
to anyone else.....
no doctors, no nurses,
noone....
because if june 4th was my last night...
my last words i ever spoke would be
'i love you'
to the person who was there for me.
And they sliced open my head,
and stitched up my face.....
and all the road rash healed
without a trace
except for a few few scars.
But every now and again,
my head hurts in this place
where i think there's pain
from the accident
or perhaps from the memory
of this boy
who i absolutely refused
to let break my heart.
And maybe that pain
is just a reminder sometimes.
Of things that shouldn't be forgotten.
No matter of how painful they were.
Because they make me who I am today.
But it was just THAT FEAR.......
The FEAR of
DYING,
OF BEING ALONE
of whatever
that holds meaning now.....
that keeps me up at night.
I didn't sleep for the first
three days,
in the hospital.
i was so scared.
I don't know if you all watched
'Growing Pains'
But anyway......
Carol dated someone (actually Chanler on Friends)
who got drunk one night, and drove...
he got in an accident
and was injured.......
but they said he would be okay
(mind you, i was COMPLETELY SOBER IN MY ACCIDENT)
Carol was relieved.......
A few days later,
he DIED.
All I could think,
is
I WAS GOING TO DIE.
The nurses laughed at my theory...
i remember........
laying there
asking them
if they ever saw that episode.....
They told HIM his was going to be fine,
but he died.
And i was SO afraid I was going to.
I can't even describe it.
I can't describe how this reflects
so much in the end.
I can't understand now
how everything in the end
with Joe......
I let go.
A long time ago,
without hestiation....
Perhaps.... when it's time,
it's time....
reguardless if you are ready or not.
And maybe then,
i fought for a reason....
an answer..... anything...
but sometimes life isn't that fair.
you don't get 'that end'
you want.
and you find other meanings in your life.
ones that make you smile.
I was in Scranton, Penna.
Lying in a hospital bed.
Almost dead.
No one even knew the servereties
of it all.
I was living in Vermont.
I moved there with my love,
escaping the world
and life
so we could live happily
without anyone,
except for one another.
We hardly had any money at all
but I still managed to buy this couch,
1000 dollars in a store called Pinache.
It's maybe the only thing I have from 'us'
and it's broken in half
because it wouldn't fit in the door
of the apartment,
I just moved into.
I was driving back to PA
one day
because he had an army reserve
meeting...
God, i hate them....
for this emotional turmoil.
This was a time when there was still
this HUGE beenie baby craze....
They 'hit' the McDonald's up there,
before PA, a certain kind
that was sold out in my hometown...
and my sister
wanted it more than ever.
We had gotten into a fight a few days before.
I knew I was going to PA
and wanted to suprise her with it,
her birthday was the next day (5).
I had gotten into a fight with Joe,
on the way there.
He reminded me to put on my seatbelt.
I told him to go to hell.
Not to tell me what to do.
I never drove the whole way,
we usually switched places.
But that day,
my bitter sarcasticness stayed
I drove all the way,
without my seatbelt
before i was ejected.
We had about 45 minutes left
on the 4 hour and some minute drive...
I had the stereo blasting
"NO LOVE" (get up kids)
I went back to the track to replay it
screaming the words.
I was in the passing lane,
and the red (?) van ahead,
wasn't passing.
Already doing 75 I wanted
to get back in the other lane
and pass him the hard way.
I thought I saw a car
after I started to drift right,
so I swerved.
And lost control.
And lost control
and lost control......
And I remember on 84,
or was it 83?????
Flying down, quite a few feet........
the road went into a HUGE divet
with trees
and all i could think is
I AM GOING TO DIE.
*******************
I'm stood up in the woods,
car had no hood
and i am 30 feet away....
"how am i going to get that back on the interstate?"
Not realizing what had happened.
My ankle gives out,
I fall to the ground
and notice my buggirl pants
covered in blood.
oh gosh...... joeeeeeeee joooooooooe.
Is he dead?????????
Moments later he comes running...
rips his shirt off,
puts it to my head.....
to cover my eye
that was completely slashed.
Where's the paramedics?
They were called....
but will be 25 minutes..........
WHAT???
Passer-bys pull over
and comfort me.
All I want to do, is close my eyes and sleep.
but that's NOT aloud.
they keep me away.
I can't shut my eyes, and rest.
perhaps i won't wake up.
They humor me.
And finally,
I am carried
into a truck with flashy lights.
I stare at the ceiling,
head hurting.....
head fucking POUNDING.
And my single eye
is focused on this dimmed light
in the ambulance.
Some paramedics talking...
can't make out what they are saying.
We get to Scranton Medical Center.
I'm in Emergency.....
I laugh and joke with them
'give me a mirror, let me see my torn up eye'
they tell me later.......
They try to call my sister...... no answer.
They send me for a CAT scan.
I start to CRY.
I get histerical.
I can't move.
I'm bruised
all over.
It HURTS to lay still.
I beg them, I plead with them
to not make me
go ALL the way in that tunnel.
...to just send me in half way.
I see the doctors from the room
behind the glass
pointing at computer screens.
i immediately start to cry.
WHAT WHAT, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
It's the sense of knowning
when something is wrong?
Am I going to DIE?
AM I?
HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE I WON'T?
HOW HOW?
I'm lying in a bed,
refusing to be wheeled anywhere.....
to surgery,
for recovery....
anywhere......
without telling him....
that I love him.
And if i were to die there.....
that late afternoon,
that last words I wanted to speak
where those.
They couldn't find him at first,
he was being treated for his own
things........
but as I signed away my life
on paper.......
a scribble as it turned to be
stating my family wouldn't sue
if something
happened,
if I died.....
they found him.
they noticed the fear in my eyes.
And granted me,
at least that.
I told him I loved him.......
And i refused to speak
as I was being wheeled away......
to anyone else.....
no doctors, no nurses,
noone....
because if june 4th was my last night...
my last words i ever spoke would be
'i love you'
to the person who was there for me.
And they sliced open my head,
and stitched up my face.....
and all the road rash healed
without a trace
except for a few few scars.
But every now and again,
my head hurts in this place
where i think there's pain
from the accident
or perhaps from the memory
of this boy
who i absolutely refused
to let break my heart.
And maybe that pain
is just a reminder sometimes.
Of things that shouldn't be forgotten.
No matter of how painful they were.
Because they make me who I am today.
But it was just THAT FEAR.......
The FEAR of
DYING,
OF BEING ALONE
of whatever
that holds meaning now.....
that keeps me up at night.
I didn't sleep for the first
three days,
in the hospital.
i was so scared.
I don't know if you all watched
'Growing Pains'
But anyway......
Carol dated someone (actually Chanler on Friends)
who got drunk one night, and drove...
he got in an accident
and was injured.......
but they said he would be okay
(mind you, i was COMPLETELY SOBER IN MY ACCIDENT)
Carol was relieved.......
A few days later,
he DIED.
All I could think,
is
I WAS GOING TO DIE.
The nurses laughed at my theory...
i remember........
laying there
asking them
if they ever saw that episode.....
They told HIM his was going to be fine,
but he died.
And i was SO afraid I was going to.
I can't even describe it.
I can't describe how this reflects
so much in the end.
I can't understand now
how everything in the end
with Joe......
I let go.
A long time ago,
without hestiation....
Perhaps.... when it's time,
it's time....
reguardless if you are ready or not.
And maybe then,
i fought for a reason....
an answer..... anything...
but sometimes life isn't that fair.
you don't get 'that end'
you want.
and you find other meanings in your life.
ones that make you smile.
Last edited:
