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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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Sorry to hear that bro I hope you know it isn't your fault. I had a friend with kids die from drinking at an early age. I used to look to the sky and ask god why I survived, but he can't look his baby girl in her eyes. The world is just this way we can't change it or make things right, quite simply because nothing is ever right. Today I dont even believe in god I think he can't exist or if he does then he must be unimaginably cruel
 
xstayfadedx said:
That's all I've been doing, but it's hard not to think about it, especially when his sweatpants he gave you to wear that night are in your closet. I really need to find somewhere to put those, ugh. I wish I never came over that night or found xanax… which, led to the dope… but yeah yeah it's not my fault (I know and I don't at the same time). I almost died that night too, but I got lucky. I just wish I wasn't fucked up on xanax, vodka, and heroin that night because maybe I could have done more. Being that fucked up and the panic wasn't good :( I feel so bad for his three kids.
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♡♡♡

The best tribute and respect you can give to your friend is to live a long and rewarding life distanced from what took him.
 
i need to stop coming here and similar time-wasting things, and be more efficient with my use of the net
 
Im sick of the stupid feelings i have after a wonderful but mind shattering experience i had over the summer.

Ill sum it up real quickly here, after first year of college was feeling great so i went to a music fest an took some ectasy. Didnt notice any change myself, others did, an kept feeling amazing until the next concert. Ended up taking LSD at that one which after a few days got me in rehab after being completely delusional with thoughts of the Illuminati following me an shit like that. Turns out im fucking bipolar and severely depressed now.

My life has changed completely, im living at home again with very few friends and the constant dark thoughts every day. Im pissed off that this all happened but only have myself to blame. Plus im pissed off i cant enjoy these concerts and festivals on the same level as my friends because of my condition. I have yet to try any drugs other than pot since i was diagnosed so who knows what could happen. FML
 
Yo.
If you are going through hell, about the best thing you can do is try to treat it as an education and as a process that is going to make you stronger.

It's called Post Traumatic Growth or PTG.

It's not always that easy though. You HAVE to rationalize and believe that shit.

With me... It's been 12 years of hell. 12! YEARS! And I'm finally at that point where I have my thoughts under control to the point where I can break free.
And I'm still on the fence of that shit. I could go either way. A brilliant prodigy or a horrible monster.
Either way I am some powerful shit that's going to bust out of hell, but I don't want to be the horrible monster.

A normal person would have killed themselves or snapped or gone into the fetal position of life by now. But although I may have intelligence that is special and be lucky to be born in a modern era where the internet is available to learn from and sift through info to empower me and break out of this shit, anyone with STRONG DESIRE can escape from their hell. I may be a geek and I don't feel comfortable around people. I think of shit on another level. I see shit differently and I HATE shit that doesn't work right and I LOVE shit that works efficiently and nobody can share it with me except a few rare specialists in the field of whatever I happen to be tripping about. But that doesn't mean that this shit isn't for YOU. I have strong desire, but desire is some shit you can match or surpass, so I'm not on some exclusive shit that you fucks can't achieve or even do better than me!

Get it! DO IT

I can think about it and be like "yoooo. If a family member had simply answered my calls for help and fucking taken me under their wing and helped me out, I wouldn't have been living a fucking HORRIBLE life for 12 years. I could have some simple job. I wouldn't be going without pussy. I wouldn't be excluded from society. I would be in a consistent groove like I was before my aorta exploded."

That's all well and good to think of , but it didn't happen. And IF IT DID HAPPEN - I would have been content with a regular existence.
I would have been content. I would have been happy and comfortable to have ANY job and a girlfriend and a friend or two and pay my own bills and be able to buy my kids Christmas presents and shit and walk in public with my head up.

But 12 years of hell and fighting it and where u don't get pussy and have NO POWER in society, and your gifts aren't only 'ignored', but you are thought of as a lame disabled person with no manhood in this society, and you are constantly HATING and FIGHTING and LEARNING AND LEARNING AND LEARNING HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS - that is the type of shit that transforms a dude who was willing to roll with the flow and be content into a brilliant prodigy or a horrible monster.

It's like a dude who was in max prison for 20 years or fought on the front lines in the trenches - STRESS transforms that man.

If you have to go through hell you have to TRY! to make that shit PTG and not PTSD.

YOU HAVE TO! and you have to try to go the prodigy route.
 
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Nothing gets better when you clean up your act . Go on subs for 6 months get a good job, but hard to save money because now you finally have money but still the brain of a junkie.

Work for 6 months use suboxone how you are suppose too , even though they dont help cravings.

You feel you made the ultimate sabra five in quitting opiates and life should be better by now.

But you take a step back and realize you still drive the same piece of shir car, have to pay bills and spend stupidly so still barley have money saved. Nobody kkows what your going through with cravings . Still wake up sore and fatigued and try to get through the daily grind like every other sheep, and for what??? For fucking what.

So the devil creeps into your brain calling you harder then ever before. Just one, just one.

And before you know it you are using everyday before work and loving life.

Until you get drug tested randomly , lose your job, and back to the POS you are that started this mess years ago.

And the cycle continues.

FML.
 
who ever had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Flowers, id like to inform everyone that he passed away.

I am deeply upset...

I made a thread in the shrine form, if anyone would like to say their peace.

Much love.
 
gr33n3y3z said:
who ever had the pleasure of speaking with Mr. Flowers, id like to inform everyone that he passed away.

I am deeply upset...

I made a thread in the shrine form, if anyone would like to say their peace.

Much love.
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Wow i just joined after lurking for 6 years. Even as an avid lurker i recall many posts by mrflowers . This is very sad RIP
 
Thank you about Mr Flowers. <3

Also, Eddie 512 has passed.
We were supporting him best we all knew how, but he was taken via overdose.
His fiancé has responded on his thread. She found him in the bathroom.
Please, if you remember 512 stop and say your peace on his thread.

He will be missed.
<3
 
I could use some venting, thank you!

So 20 months clean and my folks still hit that "hot button" topic of my being in recovery regularly.... :! (ugh! I'd like to slap them sometimes!)

I've learned to leave that at "If I'm not killing myself........ Mind jo bidness!"

I also developed adrenal fatigue dealing with adapting to life on life's terms for the first time in my life, dealing with some MH issues (am I schizophrenic? I'm not sure, but I guess anything is possible? Scratch that: likely, given symptomology?) without meds, pills, drugs, blah blerhhh blerrrhhhhhh (lol) while attempting to set up my own home business (in electronics repair) and attending school, searching for work, engaging in as healthy a lifestyle as I know how (detoxing from psyche meds and pains is a bitch, huh? Try junk food sometime and pork and sugar and HFCS and and and OMG! Stop me now! I don't want to think about it all!) AND, of course, starting the beginnings of a family (first born son due come May! :) ) and having my fiancee's Aunt continually destroy my finances through her finances (she works for her daycare spot) by not properly paying her (UGH! I would JUST LOVE to beat her senseless!!!) and, of course, there's also the stresses of having a back door nearly broken down, multiple DISASTROUS AND TOTALLY SHITTY CAR FAILURES (but, got a job, hence found myself able to purchase an '05 Altima SE-R despite my horrid credit) moving, the death of an incredibly important family member, newfound PTSD to add to the menagerie of bullshit, etc. etc. etc. and.......... just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks, I think it helped. lol! :p 8(
 
He was my first buddy on Bl, Ill will miss all the crazy/fun talks we had.

...Damn man I miss your voice already, we just talked on the phone. Fuck.
 
I'm 11 months clean tomorrow. I still have paws symptoms. I still think about dope and Valium a lot. I still love them.

Dope took my friends life last night at 23 years old. I wish narcotics could disappear from the planet.

They almost fucking killed me. I had seizures when I detoxed and I still long for them. Drug dependence is a sickness, not a crime. I hate them to the fucking core of my being and I still lust for their rush.

Why'd you have to go? That could have been me. I just fucking talked to you about getting clean and I wish I'd have slapped you in the fucking face and locked you in a bathroom you stupid fucking amazing kid with whom I shared so much in common...

I love you buddy, help me stay on the right path now that you're looking down on us.
 
I wanted to bite her. I had an urge to bit her and take chunks out of her skin. I don't know why, it felt weird, like I was tapping into some primal instinct.

I held her feet in my hands. We cuddled for a little while too, I then paid her and she was on her way.
 
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