• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

Status
Not open for further replies.
Wow my family is so nice to me. It is amazing and very appreciated. Also uncomfortable.

My medical records are taking a long time to get resent to the 3rd cardiac surgeon place. I was too sick to spend a day and drive and go get the records in person last week, and now have to depend on a fax system. One of my other family members is relying on me. It is extremely overwhelming and scary and frustrating and pressure-packed. Wow I am back into hell again even though I was feeling pretty relaxed after a few days in a new, peaceful place.

My life is hell and it's going to take some work to reprogram my brain to not go into trauma mode for every little bit of pressure. I plan on surviving the surgery stuff and getting my pain under control. Then when I have money and a small amount of health, and get to participate in society and have a life, I don't want to be a complete monster for the 12 years of hell that I've been in. I take responsibility for everything. I still get irrational anger at this world. I hate this life and I want to make it better.
 
Last edited:
Wow, it is amazing how much better life can be when around supportive family.

As unhappy as I am with my current life, I don't hate every second of the present time, like I usually do. My health sucks and my situation is unacceptable but it isn't as hellish when around nice people. Sometimes I can get lost in the moment and enjoy things a little.

I've been eating better and have stopped losing weight(which has been scary), and probably gained a little weight and gotten a little stronger.

Wednesday I find out if I need another open heart surgery. Either way it is time to start a long slow climb up to a livable life.
 
^thats great Corazon, yeah I love my family so much and they have been very supportive of me and had helped me with battling addiction.
 
Fuck my life.

Well I ended up getting some money finally after me and my sister fought in court to get some of my dads estate. Nows that's out of the way but my mother has now apparently disowned me and my sister for being "selfish assholes". My sister phoned me screaming and crying this ungodly cry last night because while I was out at a friends house (to escape my mother's crazy behaviour) my mom phoned my sister and told her she never wants to look at her " scrunched up face" ever again and same with your selfish brother she said(Me). I don't know what the fuck she's talking about, my sister is beautiful and my mom has the angry look on her face all the time so WTF?

It all started when my mom started making plans with the money me and my sister were getting. She wanted a brand new car and this and that and she would guilt trip us a few times a day to make us think she needs a car badly. I've lived and supported my mother for almost a decade now and I'm only 23 years old and I have done everything for her I buy all her food pay the rent so she can spend her disability benefits on herself etc. But no matter what I do its never good enough she always thinks a possession will make her happy but everytime we buy her something she gets happy for a while then realises life still sucks and goes back to being miserable. Now me and my sister have this money and my sister has enough to pay her own car off then have a decent down payment for a house so that set my mom off telling her she is selfish for not spending the money on her family (even though I have been buying my mom everything she pleases). I want to continue school to work in the medical industry then mabye have enough for a down payment but school will be expensive so who knows if I'll even have enough just for school.

My moms attitude with money is spend spend spend until its gone then worry about bills and stuff later having to ask others for money.

So I guess I'm finding my own place she is so crazy I seen her wandering down the busy road stumbling around a bit with absolutely no expression on her face. She has turned my grandma against us now too she phoned and called us selfish too.
I have never seem someone so crazy in a long time my mom is doing so many fucked up things I'm scared to even leave my little pup with her while I go to work today I'm pondering if I should take him with me because I'm too scared to leave him with her like this.

Its just such a shame my mom wants me and my sister to end up like her and such a shame we want to to something with our lives yet my mom doesn't want us too because she wants a brand new car instead of us going to school or buying a house with he only chance we will probably get.

I'm just tired I've taken my mom on two shopping sprees at walmart since getting my money and still she talks about a car but the fact is she can't pay for insurance or gas so its on me and my sister to pay for yet another thing for my mom. She doesn't understand she says its only 200 bucks a month but the fact is she has to ask me and my sister for extra money every month even though I pay our rent so something is fucked up.

I might be losing my job of 8 years because of a new company buying it out so i am scared shirtless about that and now my mom acting like like this.

Fuck I want to give up just go back to heroin already it makes life not hurt so much. I had a father who didn't even want to see a picture of me to know what I looked like for 13 years till he died. Now a mother who resents me for not buying her a new car when I do everything to make her happy.

I'm done it's all I got to say.
 
Heroin will only make things worse, but you know that. <3

That really sucks about your mom man, I'm sorry. It seems clear to me she is the selfish one though. Especially given that you've been supporting her for 8 years and you're only 23... it's so incredibly inappropriate that she would allow herself to be supported like that by her child (who is still a child - I mean 8 years ago, you were a CHILD). Don['t let it get into your head that you're actually being selfish, you are not. Your father left money for you and your sister for a reason. I'm sure he would have wanted you to use it to better your own lives, not to give in to your mother's irresponsible whims.

I think you need to just allow your mom to feel the way she's going to feel about it, it's her problem and you're an adult now and you have your own life to build. It's too bad she wants to disown you over it but my guess is she's trying to manipulate you into agreeing to continue supporting you at her own expense. Either way you're better off without that, sadly. It IS a shame, a damn shame, and I'm sorry that you have to experience this. <3 But you have to do what's best for you at this point. It's your life, and you clearly want to make something of it, and that's a noble and good thing. Don't let a sick (she certainly sounds sick) family member drag you down. It's so sad that she would rather have material things she doesn't need than her children, but that's on her... it's entirely her own fault and her own problem. You have done nothing wrong from what I can tell from your post.

Sounds like your mom needs a serious wake-up call. It's so fucked up that she can just sit there and make you support every aspect of her life financially when you're in the stage where you should be making your own life and supporting yourself. Maybe it's time for her to leave the nest... 8)
 
Thanks Xorkorth for the support it means alot to hear those things even if i don't know you personally. When you get told something enough you start to believe it yourself you know what I mean. But my dad didn't willingly give us the money he never had us kids in the will so we had to hire a lawyer and contest his will. I wasn't going to because he didn't do anything for me in my life. I was going to respect his wishes and let his girlfriend have it all but my mom and sister said to because I deserve it. So I thought okay I can go a long way in school with this since I have always dreamed of being a doctor or something of the sort but its always been a far away dream because I don't have much left over for school supporting me and my mom. So I got excited about being able to follow my dreams once I got the money but my mom has been guilt tripping me daily since getting the money. I take her out for dinner on shopping sprees etc. But its never good enough if I buy Wendy's for dinner she gets mad and says why didn't you buy red robin (a restaurant that is double the price) its just down the road from Wendy's! Then she won't eat the food I buy because she says she only likes the stuff at red robin:\ I'm sick of it man its constant gut wrenching pain living with her which makes my chronic pain 10× worse and puts my into constant anxiety attacks.
 
Last edited:
my life is like a sand castle on the beach.

I try to quietly make it nice. but invariably, the tide, some asshole or most often myself, it gets destroyed and I have to start all over again.
 
I need to improve my life and learn to cope better.

I need a hug really bad. So frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, angry, tense.--->I wouldn't need a hug if my life wasn't fucked up.--->However, if my life wasn't fucked up, I'd have lot's of hugs available.

I hate this fucking life so bad. I have to man-up and get through this.
 
Last edited:
Found out I need a 3rd open heart surgery. At least the surgeon is great and he knows exactly what is wrong and how to fix it. Said it was like a 95% success rate.
Pretty frustrated. I need some power and some good sex. Surgery is between now and June 2015. Then I will have to recover and start my life.
 
blahman8000 said:
Damn. I look at all of these other threads, and all I can feel is such shame. I didn't start doing opiates because of physical pain. I just did them. However, opiate is not my drug of choice. It is alcohol. I just cannot exit from this. And then I think really hard about it, and I realize that everything is fucked up. It's raining right now. I feel like that is insane. But most of all, I am. I am a man going on 27 years old who moved back into his parents' house months ago, and has no career, no direction, absolutely no future. Nothing. Nothing. I look at my hands and the skin is peeling from my fingers. It's because I don't eat.

The worst part is how ashamed I'll be by what I'm saying right now. And about everything I say and do. I am close to giving up. I'm a nuisance. Ultimately I mean nothing to anybody. This life is meant to be ended on its own terms.
Click to expand...
I can relate, drinking fucked me up big time. A year later, sober, it still has a grip on me.
 
^Blahman, you did not choose your addiction and emotional pain is every bit as real as physical pain--and lots harder to treat. Alcohol is one of the most insidious addictions. Don't underestimate your strengths. You are still here and you are still fighting. This is not the end. You are in the middle of a battle for your life. It makes perfect sense to feel scared and confused but watch out for those fatalistic conclusions and self-sabotaging behaviors like not eating. At least give yourself good nutrition while you can. If you have no appetite get some protein powder and make smoothies.
 
I'm so stuck my life feels like its falling apart for the very first time.

My mom passed away in a car accident 10-5-14, my father survived but with serious injuries.

My fucking brother wont help, it seems like his way of coping with our mothers death is ignoring/neglecting our dad who is at bed rest for months.

He sleep all the time, he even took all my pain pills.

Now I'm at war with this pussy. There is so much more to this than my small rant.

-MoM- I love you girl, please visit me in my dreams. I cry a lot for dad your were such a wonderful wife, mother & sister. I feel like more than half of my heart and soul has left me, ever since that fucked up mourning.
Mom I'm strong for dad because that's how you raised me 'thick skinned' and thank you for that extra shield.
I'm down yes mom but I take care of business so shit doesn't hit the fan for Dad. We miss you. <3 Everyday I think about you, I love you mum.
 
^greeneyes im very sorry for your loss. Im pretty sure that your mom is proud of you wherever she is for taking care of business. I admire strong women and i definitely admire you. Keep fighting darling I'm hers if you need me.
 
hey greeneyes hope you're doing alright, very sorry for your loss. We're all here for you. Don't worry about your brother just do what you have to do and everything will work itself out in any case. You will be together again, as a matter of fact, she is probably already with you, so no worries... :)
 
I've been depressed so long I can no longer tell whether this is circumstantial (anybody would feel shit doing nothing all the time) or whether it's me

I've got nothing going on, no interests, nothing I want to do.
I barely talk these days, let alone having an actual conversation with someone.

I'm quite the loser, look at how lowly I can get.

Things have been pretty bad with my mum for the past few weeks, we've barely spoke and I'm feeling quite apathetic as to the emotional consequences for her when I kill myself.
I've probably showered twice the past fortnight... same goes for brushing my teeth. I wake up with a disgusting taste in my mouth but I don't care enough to clean it.

I'd like to kill myself soon; there's nothing here for me. I'm going nowhere, this will only lead to more of the same.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top