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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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I left a window up with a kratom experience report of mine on my dad's computer. I'm 23 and pay rent. I've lived on my own for two years and just came back to live with him because I felt lonely living alone.

I thought I had closed it out and when I glanced over at the monitor a moment after he came home I noticed he'd turned it off. So I just assume he turned the PC off to save power. I come back to use the phone and he says he's on the computer. I look and he's reading my fucking experience report. I wrote it to inform more people about kratom. I think its a lot safer and better than done or subs. So anyway I have no idea why he would be going through my shit? I guess he don't trust me. I trusted him. I assumed if I had left something up he'd just click out of it. Not so.

It's not like I'm all bad off on drugs and he's worried about me. I'm better than ever. Maybe he's worried things are too good to be true? I don't know. Guilty until proven guiltier is how I feel. I forgot how judgemental my family was. Why did I move back here? To be clear he doesn't have a problem with kratom, weed, or drinking although he'd prefer if I only had an occasional beer. And he said nothing about my experience report which is in TR if anyone cares.

I was gonna cook dinner for us but now I'm not and I don't even wanna see him. I honestly want to move out again. I'm 23 and have lived on my own successfully for two years. I think he may be toxic just like my mom said because ever since I've been back I've been spiraling down hill. I don't like living with people. Even my dad.

I am so emotional right now too because of my self-imposed weed break. Its not a good idea but I am going to pound 2 or 3 beers, talk to my dad breifly about how dissapointed I am when he wakes up, then drink till I pass out probably. I don't know I'm just so emotional right now. I'm angry, hurt, mad at myself. Why do I trust people? I am a fucking scum bag and I'm actually a pretty decent person. Everybody is a bad person according to my religious beliefs. I'm a Christian so even though I try and follow the rules I fall short time to time. And thus can't be trusted. The only person I can trust is Jesus. He's never fucked me over and has got me through alot.

I would like to get married and move to the mountains. I hate people. And I don't exclude myself. I'm an asshole just like you.

But man I just want to be alone again. I want to apply for welfare, get free methadone and housing, and then drink and mix with xanax. Enjoy some nice lazy years until I eventually OD and die in peace. But I don't think God would be happy with me. I would be fine with me though. Because I just don't fucking care anymore.

Maybe that's it though. Some people have to try hard and fail. Some people have to have shitty meaningless lives. That way the ones with good lives can appreciate them. When I finally do OD I think my family will be dissapointed. Ever see Scarface? Everybody needs somebody to be the bad guy. And they won't miss me until I'm gone and one of them becomes the bad guy. I might move back to Philly.

I'm almost definitely getting on suboxone because kratom aint gonna keep the dope cravings away when I'm around my dad. He pisses me off soo much sometimes.

EDIT: Turns out he didn't read a word and I am just being crazy. Life is funny sometimes.
 
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I know what you mean bb <3. I was with someone for a little over 4 years and that relationship finally came to an end. I have been in a relationship with my current BF for almost 5 years now coming August. We have a wonderful life. Things seem almost backwards-- we own a home together, we have animals together, we act like a married couple but I have yet to be proposed to and we are not married. You would think owning a home/pets/etc. would be more complicated than simply getting married. I am ready to make that commitment I am ready to settle down. This person is the one for me and I would hope he feels the same, I think/am sure he does. I don't know what he is waiting for. His sister is getting married this September and they have come far less in life than we have. The kicker is he even has the ring, it's a family heirloom and all it needs is a setting. I guess I can say he is waiting to set it to what I said I wanted and we are strapped for cash that way. That is the only possible thing I can think of as to why he would not want to propose to me. I mean 5 years + house + pets + love & commitment + ring... what else needs to be lined up for this to happen. Do the planets need to align a certain way in order for this to occur. I don't understand why this man would not want to put a ring on my finger and claim me as his own for ever. I guess I need to wait until he feels the time is right. I just hate waiting :(. I feel you so much <3. :sigh:
 
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trying to do simple job inquiry emails and i stop dead after the first sentence, i can't think of one normal, positive spin to put on myself

i feel like i need to create a completely false identity, an elaborate lie. which might be true but i don't have the energy, imagination, or dedication to lies to really go with that

edit- lol, i somehow forgot about totally lying about my personality and stuff. the old stand by
 
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ah yes and i'm missing a quality makeup item of mine, which i'm guessing was stolen and i spent yesterday having a shaking, raging anxiety attack during which time i just wanted desperately to inflict violence of some kind
 
I was on the verge of killing myself in January 2014 (this year) or going to prison for a long time. I was going to go either way by ending my life with a hotshot or going to rob a bank to keep my heroin habit going. Luckily, neither.. and I got arrested for something minor and FINALLY cleaned up, got into a methadone clinic in 2 days and things have been beautiful since.

https://jerseyjunkie201.wordpress.com/

Follows my journey, thoughts, stories, experiences, strengths, hopes, goals, downfalls, dark side, good side, hard work and wishes.
Feel free to read, share, comment, e-mail me, contact me, etc. I've been through hell. And I am finally peeking my head out through the other side. Slowly.
Anyone needs help or advice, feel free to PM me or e-mail me at [email protected]
 
Awh, just seen this hon. You're still just a nipper yet, you're only young. You've all the time n the world to get married. I'm 34 n have never been married. Honestly it's not all it cracked up to me. Loving your partner n vice versa is what matters, being content n happy. Try not to rush these things and let them progress slowly. 6 months isn't a long time n if you mention marriage to him, he may (not saying he will, as I don't know him) feel intimidated. Just enjoy having fun and being together and if it's meant to happy it'll happen.

You know where I am if you ever need to talk or someone to listen to. Hang in there.


stardust.hero said:
I know what you mean bb <3. I was with someone for a little over 4 years and that relationship finally came to an end. I have been in a relationship with my current BF for almost 5 years now coming August. We have a wonderful life. Things seem almost backwards-- we own a home together, we have animals together, we act like a married couple but I have yet to be proposed to and we are not married. You would think owning a home/pets/etc. would be more complicated than simply getting married. I am ready to make that commitment I am ready to settle down. This person is the one for me and I would hope he feels the same, I think/am sure he does. I don't know what he is waiting for. His sister is getting married this September and they have come far less in life than we have. The kicker is he even has the ring, it's a family heirloom and all it needs is a setting. I guess I can say he is waiting to set it to what I said I wanted and we are strapped for cash that way. That is the only possible thing I can think of as to why he would not want to propose to me. I mean 5 years + house + pets + love & commitment + ring... what else needs to be lined up for this to happen. Do the planets need to align a certain way in order for this to occur. I don't understand why this man would not want to put a ring on my finger and claim me as his own for ever. I guess I need to wait until he feels the time is right. I just hate waiting :(. I feel you so much <3. :sigh:
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What's stopping you from proposing to him? Have you talked to him about how you feel? Maybe he's unaware of your feelings and thinks that you're happy as you are n thus doesn't wish to 'rock the boat,' so to speak. My advice is to either propose or tell him how you feeling re marriage <3

Allein said:
what is it with these people that bid for your stuff on well know auction sites then dont contact you and dont respond ot maild, theirn listed telepphone number is disconnected as well...grrrrrrrr

I wouldn't be so bothered but this is for a car FFS, l'm hoping the bidder that just lost out might still want it or I'll have to start over again and raise all the non paying bidder forms which takes an enternity
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I'd be careful trying to sell your car that way - there's been some right dodgy people and a LOT of timewasters. I never sold cars but used to spend a lot of time selling products on **** n the amount of time-wasters was unbelievable. Still I had to be nice to them to save getting negative feedback (I still actually have 100%, believe it or not) but you may waste a lot of time that way. I hope it gets sorted for you soon. Otherwise, is there not another way you could sell. What about certain magazines (not sure if I'm allowed to name names????)

Evey
 
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Marriage is a fucking bullshit suck-ass stupid traditional concept. How could it possibly make ANY difference whatsoever to two people who are in a committed relationship? Why do you need societal validation in the form of a symbolic union - who needs marriage?
 
I'm married, getting divorced. Pressure was part of what got us both into it (from family in our case). We were happy beforehand but we both felt the social obligation to do it. Nothing changed after except now there is a bunch of legal bullshit we have to go through just to break up. Our relationship was ultimately doomed anyway, so I'm not saying marriage killed it. But it does add a certain pressure. And like others have said, being happy together and loving each other is what's important, not a piece of paper or social contract. Like you said, you have a great life together, a house, dogs, etc... try to see that for what it is, a wonderful blessing. Many people do not have that.
 
Im actually happy that im not married lol! Its just I don't know not my cup of tea. Plus if me and so seperate it will be easier and no divorce papers that need to be done lawyers etc etc.
 
Yeah the legal aspects of marriage are super annoying, it's like, if two people want to split up, just let them. I guess I get it when there is a disagreement, and people have been together for a long time and both contributed to the joint financial situation and have kids, etc and a house that they both want. But in my case we already agree on the terms. Why do we have to wait a year from when we began living separately? If it was a year since we split up we could already be divorced, but no, we have to wait til February because we still lived together for a while due to her not being able to support herself at all. It's just dumb. If both people want a thing and agree on the terms, then just fucking let them do what they want to do. If we weren't married this wouldn't be an issue in our lives.

I don't know if I will ever get married again, I definitely want to have kid(s) and be with someone and raise them together and share a life together, when that happens again, but there seems to be no point in marriage anymore. I'm not concerned about going to "hell" for "living in sin". So what's the point? I can love someone and share my life with them just as much unmarried and I can married. I'd probably do it again if I was in a long-term relationship for a good while and I was confident we were going to stay together for the duration, and my partner really wanted it, but that's about it.

And by the way, aq, just wanted to say this, and please don't take it the wrong way because I'm not trying to criticize, but you've only been with this person for 6 months. 6 months is not enough time to know each other well enough to know if you are even compatible for a lifelong relationship. You're still getting to know each other at this point. And particularly since you're young, you're still getting to know yourself. Plus, weren't you feeling guilty for still being in love with your ex while being with this person just a short while ago? I can see people who are in their 40s or something knowing enough about themselves and what they want in a partner and in life at 6 months to get married (maybe), but you just need to be patient, honestly. And be honest with yourself. Do not blind yourself to possible issues because of your desire to get married. I believe many, many people do this and it ultimately leads to unhappiness and divorce down the road, hopefully before kids. I mean hell, I was with my wife for 6 and a half years (I asked her at 5 years on our anniversary), living together nearly the whole time, before we got married, and I still ended up divorced because there were hidden incompatibilities I never admitted to myself due to my desire to be with her.
 
^I used to think that by the time I'm 30 I gonna be married and have two kids already, a super mom who wakes up super early to cook go to work then go home and cook again but now waahh just thinking about it makes me tired lol plus I love my sleep and my time on weekends to relax. I guess life experiences change you in many ways and I know for a fact now that having a family will make me very unhappy. I don't mind a long time partner though :D
 
Yeah I want a partner for sure... and I keep feeling like if I don't have a kid in my life I will regret it. But not now. And I'm not 100% sure either.
 
Xorkoth said:
Yeah I want a partner for sure... and I keep feeling like if I don't have a kid in my life I will regret it. But not now. And I'm not 100% sure either.
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Don't worry about it. It is as it is and it will happen when it is meant to. Maybe the reason you don't have a kid or a partner right now is because you have some things to do for yourself first... missions you need to accomplish, traveling to be done, experiences to be lived and learned from... make the most of your time now and live in the present. You and I and others our age... we have plenty of time to have a kid later on if we so choose. I'm 29 and I'm about to leave my career to join the Peace Corps, teach english abroad in foreign countries, go WWOOFing on farms, and scuba dive all over the world, among other things. I feel like I'm at the age where a person typically stops doing those things and finds a job like mine and settles down. I'm doing the opposite and there's a lot of people that think I'm crazy. Sometimes it makes me second guess myself, and then I start thinking "well, I am kinda getting older...", but then I catch myself and say no fuck that, I know what I need to do, otherwise a big part of me will always feel missing, and I'll always have regrets. So take hold of the path you've been given and just go with it, embrace it and don't let your mind push you around into thinking you need to rush into anything just yet. It will come when it comes, and that's it :)
 
I hate being the damn manager at my work! So many un-trainable/ lazy coworkers. Ahh fuck them all.
 
idk i think the best place to start would be the attitude about the coworkers, i wouldnt want a boss that hates their job...


i feel a bit slighted, because i feel like a close friend of mine, is becoming jealous that my life is going in a positive direction, every time i call them (they dont really call me anymore) they sound sad, and they sound sad because i'm calling them, and they dont really seem to want to engage in the conversation really, like its kind of forced... and i try and offer them advice, and i think they find me patronising. misery likes company i guess.. the problem is that when im miserable, i dont talk to anyone, and when i love life, i enjoy conversations, so its a tuffie.
 
I am a very energetic happy and praising to my coworkers, but they are lazy and i hate asking someone to do something more than once. Hell if they want a raise they need to prove a better work ethic. I can only give so much the other en is not doing it's part.

@Maya I would hire you in a heartbeat:)
 
Yeah Im a supervisor too. It actually really sucks. I hate the responsibility and having to deal with all the shit it involves. Thats one thing Ive learned about myself for sure.
 
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