THECATINTHEHAT
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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way
- Thread starter Black Rabbit of Inle
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xoxoxynikkixoxoxy
Greenlighter
yes and no..., which probably makes no sense..., but i hate, hate, hate being dependent on this crap, and i'm a huge p***y about the sickness part of w/d, plus at this point i barely remember what its like to be sober, since i can't think of the last time that i did less than 5 rs in a day...so the dependency sucks and i hate it, on the flip side, i have a great job and i'm generally pretty happy (besides being extremely disappointed in myself for letting this happen, since i was the typical, 'it can't happen to me,' then i wake up one day with a horrible habit), so i'm worried basically that if i quit, i'll be unhappy like i am on the days that i don't do a lot, i know how hard it is to quit, so i feel like since i am not super motivated, i will just fail and feel worse about it.., also, i noticed a lot of the time when i try to cut back or quit, i'll last awhile, but then whenever i give in or just stop caring, i end up doing a LOT more than i usually do, like i'm subconsciously trying to make up for the days that i didn't do very much..., i don't know if anyone else is like that or its just me.
xoxoxynikkixoxoxy
Greenlighter
...when i read that back to myself, having a great job and being generally happy doesn't sound like i 'ruined my life,' but the ridiculous amount of money i waste on this crap, and the disappointment i feel in myself, plus having to hide it from my squeaky-clean family (i would be SO humiliated if anyone found out), weighs on me a LOT, every day, and its depressing and something i have to constantly push out of my mind..., i can barely look at my family b/c i'm afraid they will find out just by looking at me or my nose will start bleeding or some crap like that.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
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I tend to get the feeling that when people say yes and no that they're not quite ready to start fighting the road to recovery. You're clearly going through some bad times and I kind of understand your reluctance but if you're still getting enough from the drug to even out what it's taking away you're (in my experience) unlikely to stop using yet.
That's not to say you shouldn't try, I'd like nothing more than to be proved wrong. It's just really hard to go through the process of recovery if you're still getting what you want from the drug.
I've been in a position of getting far less from drugs than they give to me for a number of years now, and I've spent a good few years trying to get my shit straight, and I'm still not 'clean' (whatever your definition of that might be) and in control of my life. Even once you've reached the point where the drugs aren't doing what you want then it's a really hard battle to fight.
One thing I will say is that when you do feel ready to change your life, for most people having everything out in the open with their family is the right thing to do. Not all, but most.
I wish you luck and hope you find a way out of the pain you are feeling sooner rather than later anyway.
That's not to say you shouldn't try, I'd like nothing more than to be proved wrong. It's just really hard to go through the process of recovery if you're still getting what you want from the drug.
I've been in a position of getting far less from drugs than they give to me for a number of years now, and I've spent a good few years trying to get my shit straight, and I'm still not 'clean' (whatever your definition of that might be) and in control of my life. Even once you've reached the point where the drugs aren't doing what you want then it's a really hard battle to fight.
One thing I will say is that when you do feel ready to change your life, for most people having everything out in the open with their family is the right thing to do. Not all, but most.
I wish you luck and hope you find a way out of the pain you are feeling sooner rather than later anyway.
xoxoxynikkixoxoxy
Greenlighter
Thank you so much! I love that most people on here are so supportive and understanding. As far as my family goes though, I love them more than anything in the world, but this is definitely something that I have to deal with mostly alone, or through the support of strangers on the internet
p Only three of my friends are addicts, and one of them has actually been sober for about a year, and my mom routinely refers to them as 'scum of the earth,' and views addiction as a choice. Although each one of them had very hard lives (especially compared to me), she would only blame them for me getting involved if she ever found out, even though it is 100% not their faults; additionally, when I was 3 (I'm 29 now), I apparently tried to sneak wearing a different outfit then my mom had picked out for me and tried to get my aunt to side with me, all through high school, college, and even now, I was labelled the 'trouble-maker,' 'liar,' 'sneak,' ect..., and I never knew why since I was a REALLY good kid (yes, I took pills occasionally as a teenager, however, I was given those by my parents, so I wasn't sneaking off and doing drugs, drinking or having sex), I found out when I was in my mid-twenties from my mom, that because of what I did at 3, they had 'realized,' at that point that I was an 'untrustworthy liar,' and for that, I was labelled that my entire life. My extended family was always told that that was the 'kind of person I was,' and so were my brothers as we were growing up. So I am already the outcast of my family for something I did when I was three (I swear this is true and not exaggerated, my parents believe that you are born with a certain personality and it shows at a young age). The point of that story being, if they can't forgive me for something I did when I was three years old, I cannot even begin to imagine the how they will treat me, should they ever find out about my drug use.
Yes, they gave me pain pills as a teenager, but that was their idea, so it was okay and just a way to save money from taking me to the doctor when I had a migraine or whatever. So I was allowed to have those, but finding out that I shove them up my nose, spend the amount of money I do, buy them illegally, and even do h when I don't have any other options, I'm afraid would really permanently cement my status as the 'loser' of the family (despite all of my other positive qualities), and that's not something I want, literally at all, since I have been fighting against that label my whole life. I realize that I have made some very poor choices in regards to my drug use, and its messed with me enough not to have my family look at me sideways, especially since they are all very, very, very conservative and the worst they've ever done is get tipsy at a New Year's Eve party.
As far as still getting something from the drugs, the most I can say is that I am just scared of not feeling 'normal,' as i've pretty much forgotten what its like to go even a day without them. For almost two years now, I've done at least five a day, with a few exceptions here and there of only doing two or three. Financially, emotionally, I am more than ready to quit, because I don't get high anymore, but its merely out of fear that I will change and not be 'me,' (which is crazy), anymore if I quit. And then there's the fact that I'm a giant wimp when it comes to w/d. I've thought long and hard about shooting up b/c I don't feel anything from snorting them anymore, but I have managed to stay away from it because I've seen my friends that shoot up, I'm deathly afraid of messing up my veins and having doctors know what I'm doing when I go in for whatever reason, and I know that eventually that will lose its ability to get me high as well, while leaving me with an even worse habit...I keep telling myself that I can't really get much worse, but I know that is a lie, as I'm still able to mostly steer clear of h, unless I absolutely can't find any rs, and I haven't crossed that line of banging them. I feel like if I ever cross that line, I won't be able to hide it anymore, and the fact that I've been thinking about it more and more, makes me realize that I've come to the end of the road where I either have to quit or I'm going to really, truly screw up my life, my job and my relationship with my family. Whether or not I can actually have the will power to quit, is another question that I really don't know the answer to, since more than wanting to quit, is wishing I could maintain the status quo that I have right now, but also feel the way I did when I did them three years ago, and I know that isn't possible and isn't what I "should," be wanting, like every other addict, I regret the day I ever started this crap, is what it ultimately comes down to, but that's water under the bridge.
p Only three of my friends are addicts, and one of them has actually been sober for about a year, and my mom routinely refers to them as 'scum of the earth,' and views addiction as a choice. Although each one of them had very hard lives (especially compared to me), she would only blame them for me getting involved if she ever found out, even though it is 100% not their faults; additionally, when I was 3 (I'm 29 now), I apparently tried to sneak wearing a different outfit then my mom had picked out for me and tried to get my aunt to side with me, all through high school, college, and even now, I was labelled the 'trouble-maker,' 'liar,' 'sneak,' ect..., and I never knew why since I was a REALLY good kid (yes, I took pills occasionally as a teenager, however, I was given those by my parents, so I wasn't sneaking off and doing drugs, drinking or having sex), I found out when I was in my mid-twenties from my mom, that because of what I did at 3, they had 'realized,' at that point that I was an 'untrustworthy liar,' and for that, I was labelled that my entire life. My extended family was always told that that was the 'kind of person I was,' and so were my brothers as we were growing up. So I am already the outcast of my family for something I did when I was three (I swear this is true and not exaggerated, my parents believe that you are born with a certain personality and it shows at a young age). The point of that story being, if they can't forgive me for something I did when I was three years old, I cannot even begin to imagine the how they will treat me, should they ever find out about my drug use.Yes, they gave me pain pills as a teenager, but that was their idea, so it was okay and just a way to save money from taking me to the doctor when I had a migraine or whatever. So I was allowed to have those, but finding out that I shove them up my nose, spend the amount of money I do, buy them illegally, and even do h when I don't have any other options, I'm afraid would really permanently cement my status as the 'loser' of the family (despite all of my other positive qualities), and that's not something I want, literally at all, since I have been fighting against that label my whole life. I realize that I have made some very poor choices in regards to my drug use, and its messed with me enough not to have my family look at me sideways, especially since they are all very, very, very conservative and the worst they've ever done is get tipsy at a New Year's Eve party.
As far as still getting something from the drugs, the most I can say is that I am just scared of not feeling 'normal,' as i've pretty much forgotten what its like to go even a day without them. For almost two years now, I've done at least five a day, with a few exceptions here and there of only doing two or three. Financially, emotionally, I am more than ready to quit, because I don't get high anymore, but its merely out of fear that I will change and not be 'me,' (which is crazy), anymore if I quit. And then there's the fact that I'm a giant wimp when it comes to w/d. I've thought long and hard about shooting up b/c I don't feel anything from snorting them anymore, but I have managed to stay away from it because I've seen my friends that shoot up, I'm deathly afraid of messing up my veins and having doctors know what I'm doing when I go in for whatever reason, and I know that eventually that will lose its ability to get me high as well, while leaving me with an even worse habit...I keep telling myself that I can't really get much worse, but I know that is a lie, as I'm still able to mostly steer clear of h, unless I absolutely can't find any rs, and I haven't crossed that line of banging them. I feel like if I ever cross that line, I won't be able to hide it anymore, and the fact that I've been thinking about it more and more, makes me realize that I've come to the end of the road where I either have to quit or I'm going to really, truly screw up my life, my job and my relationship with my family. Whether or not I can actually have the will power to quit, is another question that I really don't know the answer to, since more than wanting to quit, is wishing I could maintain the status quo that I have right now, but also feel the way I did when I did them three years ago, and I know that isn't possible and isn't what I "should," be wanting, like every other addict, I regret the day I ever started this crap, is what it ultimately comes down to, but that's water under the bridge.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2005
- Messages
- 8,180
Well, that's exceedingly harsh on the part of your family, I feel for you.
All I can say is that when faced with the reality of addiction many people are forced to change their views. It seems unlikely if they are the sort of people who characterise their own child for the rest of their life for a single action commited at the age of the three. It saddens me that the world contains such ignorant people (without wanting to disrepect your family).
You might not have the support of your family but that doesn't mean that you have to go through the process of recovery alone. There are lots of different groups out there that can offer you support and compassion. If/when you come to the decision of wanting to get clean don't think you have to do it alone because you don't.
All I can say is that when faced with the reality of addiction many people are forced to change their views. It seems unlikely if they are the sort of people who characterise their own child for the rest of their life for a single action commited at the age of the three. It saddens me that the world contains such ignorant people (without wanting to disrepect your family).
You might not have the support of your family but that doesn't mean that you have to go through the process of recovery alone. There are lots of different groups out there that can offer you support and compassion. If/when you come to the decision of wanting to get clean don't think you have to do it alone because you don't.
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
Thank you so much! I love that most people on here are so supportive and understanding. As far as my family goes though, I love them more than anything in the world, but this is definitely something that I have to deal with mostly alone, or through the support of strangers on the internet
Yes, they gave me pain pills as a teenager, but that was their idea, so it was okay and just a way to save money from taking me to the doctor when I had a migraine or whatever. So I was allowed to have those, but finding out that I shove them up my nose, spend the amount of money I do, buy them illegally, and even do h when I don't have any other options, I'm afraid would really permanently cement my status as the 'loser' of the family (despite all of my other positive qualities), and that's not something I want, literally at all, since I have been fighting against that label my whole life. I realize that I have made some very poor choices in regards to my drug use, and its messed with me enough not to have my family look at me sideways, especially since they are all very, very, very conservative and the worst they've ever done is get tipsy at a New Year's Eve party.
As far as still getting something from the drugs, the most I can say is that I am just scared of not feeling 'normal,' as i've pretty much forgotten what its like to go even a day without them. For almost two years now, I've done at least five a day, with a few exceptions here and there of only doing two or three. Financially, emotionally, I am more than ready to quit, because I don't get high anymore, but its merely out of fear that I will change and not be 'me,' (which is crazy), anymore if I quit. And then there's the fact that I'm a giant wimp when it comes to w/d. I've thought long and hard about shooting up b/c I don't feel anything from snorting them anymore, but I have managed to stay away from it because I've seen my friends that shoot up, I'm deathly afraid of messing up my veins and having doctors know what I'm doing when I go in for whatever reason, and I know that eventually that will lose its ability to get me high as well, while leaving me with an even worse habit...I keep telling myself that I can't really get much worse, but I know that is a lie, as I'm still able to mostly steer clear of h, unless I absolutely can't find any rs, and I haven't crossed that line of banging them. I feel like if I ever cross that line, I won't be able to hide it anymore, and the fact that I've been thinking about it more and more, makes me realize that I've come to the end of the road where I either have to quit or I'm going to really, truly screw up my life, my job and my relationship with my family. Whether or not I can actually have the will power to quit, is another question that I really don't know the answer to, since more than wanting to quit, is wishing I could maintain the status quo that I have right now, but also feel the way I did when I did them three years ago, and I know that isn't possible and isn't what I "should," be wanting, like every other addict, I regret the day I ever started this crap, is what it ultimately comes down to, but that's water under the bridge.
Sorry to hear what you've been through. That's awful that you are being judged over your actions as a 3 year old. Most people can't remember being three.
Also no offence, but when you write your posts in big chunks like that rather than smaller paragraphs, it 's very difficult to read.
If you ever want to talk, I'm willing to listen.
Evey
I'm tired of my dad saying I'm useless. I know I'm not, he's just angry because I'm missing school days. My parents are so stupid! My mom is addicted to alcohol, all she does is cry and yell like that's gonna make me go to school.
If only they would accept the fact that I just can't go to school everyday, our lives would be so much better.
If only they would accept the fact that I just can't go to school everyday, our lives would be so much better.
ad lib
Ex-Bluelighter
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Maya
Bluelight Crew
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- Feb 17, 2013
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Online courses perhaps? Study from home
So my vent for today:
Right around shipping time which is around 2:20ish to 4:00 pm, our computer where our shipping software is installed broke down!! Like are you freaking kidding me!!! And of course there were tons of shipments today so I had to use another version which is twice as slow
Anyhow, I just had to tell my other coworkers that some of the shipments are not going out sorry not my fault and I did my best to ship out as much as I can so there ya go.
Maya
Bluelight Crew
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^oh that sucks man, I thought online courses are pretty much available worldwide!! I am actually going to take online courses a couple of them to finish up my program. It just sucks that the program is going to be discontinued due to the decline of student registrations. I am juggling three courses at the moment, the third course starts on this coming Saturday every saturday mornngs then I have class monday and Wednesday nights. I am going to be so exhausted until summer time comes.
Jean-Paul
Bluelighter
gross
annnnnnnnnnnnnd won't delete.
annnnnnnnnnnnnd won't delete.
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Jean-Paul
Bluelighter
goddamnit it feels good to air dirty laundry lol uhm
it isn't really funny for me though.
it isn't really funny for me though.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
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- Oct 17, 2005
- Messages
- 8,180
Would like to go all out cunt on a few people on this forum but feel I should contain myself as I might like to contribute to it in an official capacity again at some point in the future.
Some supposed adults that act with less reason than a three year old
Some supposed adults that act with less reason than a three year old
Ok, here we go....!
I'm just sooooooo fucking tired of meth. It is a real bitch. I had a couple crackheads and their little boy stay at my house for a month.....well I binged on crack and all that, yes it was fucking horrible but its over now, they are gone and I'm done doing crack. BUT NOT THE METH, god damn it.....not to mention my problems with heroin have utterly been annihilated....but not the fucking meth.....*sigh*
I don't want to become another hopeless, nihilistic tweaker like the ones I see who have been using way too long. And I'm sick and fucking tired of my friends, one of whom is Still In Denial (fucking retard) and the other who is in imaginary-delusional-meth land.
I guess I am still in imaginary-delusional meth land too.....and it fucking sucks! I am looking forward to putting the ice down, AGAIN, and hopefully for longer than a month or two. I really need it, my brain and body needs it.
I'm just sooooooo fucking tired of meth. It is a real bitch. I had a couple crackheads and their little boy stay at my house for a month.....well I binged on crack and all that, yes it was fucking horrible but its over now, they are gone and I'm done doing crack. BUT NOT THE METH, god damn it.....not to mention my problems with heroin have utterly been annihilated....but not the fucking meth.....*sigh*
I don't want to become another hopeless, nihilistic tweaker like the ones I see who have been using way too long. And I'm sick and fucking tired of my friends, one of whom is Still In Denial (fucking retard) and the other who is in imaginary-delusional-meth land.
I guess I am still in imaginary-delusional meth land too.....and it fucking sucks! I am looking forward to putting the ice down, AGAIN, and hopefully for longer than a month or two. I really need it, my brain and body needs it.
abracadabra girl
Ex-Bluelighter
Would like to go all out cunt on a few people on this forum but feel I should contain myself as I might like to contribute to it in an official capacity again at some point in the future.
Some supposed adults that act with less reason than a three year old
God, yes.
THECATINTHEHAT
Bluelighter
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- Messages
- 8,180
Maybe if you had listened to some of the things I mentioned in our conversation the other day about how if you are trying to be helpful by sharing your experiences it should be for it's own sake and the person you are trying to help rather than as an angle for trying to gain some sort of appreciation or means by which to improve you own situation (that is just an added bonus if it happens to work out like that) you wouldn't be feeling like this. Instead you chose to accuse me of being judgemental and put me on ignore when I only had your best interests at heart.
What is it that you are looking for from those actions that will make you feel like you have achieved whatever it is you're trying to achieve? What is it that you're trying to achieve that you're not able to? What would be 'enough', and why do you feel the need to have whatever that thing is to be happy?
For the record, no you're not the only one who isn't out clubbing. I'm 26 and I'm not a single parent it's just that I've destroyed my life and relationships with people around me through drug use and as such I am also in a position of being sat in by myself on bank holiday weekend. I'm not unhappy though because I don't expect things which aren't going to happen or expect any particular return for any particular input when it comes to other people. They're going to do what they're going to do.
More importantly, I accept that there are some things that I can't change and some things that I can. I don't get angry about the things I can't change because that is a futile waste of my time that will make me angry and upset, and I do my best to change the things that I can because that will move me towards where I want to be and allow me to be happy and positive about the direction in which my life is moving. I have a plan, and I'm doing my best to follow it. I try to be as self-aware as possible at all times and accept it when people tell me what I'm doing is wrong (if it's a consensus opinion).
Your whole 'everyone out but me' attitude reeks of self-pity (imo of course), and this will get you nowhere. Expecting people to behave in a certain way because you have done something will get you nowhere. Trying to be happy for other people when you're not happy in yourself will get you nowhere. These are the hard facts of life that apply to everyone, me included. Only by moving away from this way of thinking will you be able to move forward and form some kind of happiness for yourself. When you stop getting angry about the way things are, and start getting busy with acceptance and motivation to change the things you can that will make you happier you will start seeing results.
I really wish you hadn't put me on ignore, perhaps then you would have someone to talk to, and you might see this post and it could possible help resolve some of the issues that you are having that are makking you so upset and frustrated. Hopefully someone else will communicate some of the sentiment of this post to you if they think it makes sense because it contains some of the information that was masssively important in helping me change the way I think and become a more happy person. Being the fallible humman being that I am, I don't always follow my own advice and end up being back in that shit place. Luckily the instances of fallibility are becoming fewer and the periods of clarity are becoming longer, and with a bit of luck and hard work I will hopefully sometime in the future be in a place I am happy and content with. I honestly believe that if you too could learn some of this information that I've been lucky enough to receive then you too could soon be moving towards happiness rather than the place of pain you are obviously in at the moment.
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