PuffinMuffins
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2018
- Messages
- 10
So in this dream I had the other day, this is what happened and how it made me feel within this dream...
Basically I really don't know if I'll ever be able to maintain sobriety long term, especially since I'm not even sure I want to.
I have what I would guess is kind of an odd drug history. Im 26, and I've been involved in drugs by choice literally almost my entire life. I'm not bragging by any means, but I used to be an extremely bright kid. I have memories of being unusually curious and driven to learn before kindergarten. I'd read any nonfiction piece of information I could find, sneak coffee to bed so I could read my teenage siblings science and history books all night. I'd prefer biographies and documentaries over cartoons. I was always fascinated by the concept of mind-altering substances. So out of curiosity and thirst for experimentation I did whatever I could to see what there was to see in terms of altering my mind - sticking my fingers in light sockets by age 3, huffing paint and glue by 4, drinking excess amounts of cough syrup by 5, stealing older siblings ephedrine diet pills by 7, etc. By age 10 or 11 I had huffed, done dxm, codeine, ephedrine, adderall, benzos and painkillers.
By 15 I had added at least weed (finally, some gate way drug), alcohol, ketamine, ecstasy and coke. Opiates were by far my favorite, but tbh I'd become pretty bored with what I'd done so far. My boyfriend at the time, also 15, used heroin regularly, and literally told me "painkillers are a waste of time and money, this shit is better and cheaper, give me your arm", shot me up and I fell in love. I shot up with him every weekend for a couple months before I got a little spooked and started snorting it instead - which ironically accelerated my tolerance. Started shooting again sometimes by 16. Every 7 hours by 17, using other drugs in addition to my main doc. I got pretty into "the life" as we called it, which felt like home to me. Sometimes helping cook, picking up a batch, weighing and packaging, distributing one dose at a time or in bulk, shoplifting and pawning, checking medicine cabinets, purses, glove compartments. I hated the complacent lower-middle class suburban type life I grew up in, it felt fake and maddeningly boring, this was comfortable.
Ended up with a lot of short and long term health issues but nothing was worse to me than withdrawal. I didn't quit heroin until about 2 years ago, and only quit methadone one year ago.
I am still in this maddening state of culture shock and gnawing, frustrating, aganozing boredom. I feel out of place even with my friends because while ex addicts themselves, were more the domestically acceptable, functional type. I feel like I'm wasting time now trying to fit in here, however I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time being an addict when I know I had enormous potential. I read, understood and could quote philosophy books at age 10. I can't finish sentences half the time now, I leave my phone in the fridge. I don't understand most pop culture references. I can't remember what I had for breakfast or half my coworkers names. People can't understand me sometimes my speech is so disorganized and broken as if it's my second language. I'm 26 and I look like I'm 36 with ashy skin and cellulite and weird muscle tone and sunken eyes.
The weird thing is sometimes I'm really upset by all this, and sometimes I love it like its a badge of honor and wanna add to it an little more.
I hated the 100% sober thing too much and now occaisionally use substances I can handle myself with, which is limited to weed, benzos and meth. It brings me some form of comfort but I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this shit up sometimes. But I don't ever want to get to where I was before, literally barely even getting high anymore slamming .25 gram as soon as the last hit was wearing off just the keep from getting sick. And I know itd end up there again, but that doesn't stop me from wanting so damn hard to try and see if I can do h occasionally and get back deeper into the overall production/trade/sale game. I don't know. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone who understands has anything to say that they think I should hear.
Basically I really don't know if I'll ever be able to maintain sobriety long term, especially since I'm not even sure I want to.
I have what I would guess is kind of an odd drug history. Im 26, and I've been involved in drugs by choice literally almost my entire life. I'm not bragging by any means, but I used to be an extremely bright kid. I have memories of being unusually curious and driven to learn before kindergarten. I'd read any nonfiction piece of information I could find, sneak coffee to bed so I could read my teenage siblings science and history books all night. I'd prefer biographies and documentaries over cartoons. I was always fascinated by the concept of mind-altering substances. So out of curiosity and thirst for experimentation I did whatever I could to see what there was to see in terms of altering my mind - sticking my fingers in light sockets by age 3, huffing paint and glue by 4, drinking excess amounts of cough syrup by 5, stealing older siblings ephedrine diet pills by 7, etc. By age 10 or 11 I had huffed, done dxm, codeine, ephedrine, adderall, benzos and painkillers.
By 15 I had added at least weed (finally, some gate way drug), alcohol, ketamine, ecstasy and coke. Opiates were by far my favorite, but tbh I'd become pretty bored with what I'd done so far. My boyfriend at the time, also 15, used heroin regularly, and literally told me "painkillers are a waste of time and money, this shit is better and cheaper, give me your arm", shot me up and I fell in love. I shot up with him every weekend for a couple months before I got a little spooked and started snorting it instead - which ironically accelerated my tolerance. Started shooting again sometimes by 16. Every 7 hours by 17, using other drugs in addition to my main doc. I got pretty into "the life" as we called it, which felt like home to me. Sometimes helping cook, picking up a batch, weighing and packaging, distributing one dose at a time or in bulk, shoplifting and pawning, checking medicine cabinets, purses, glove compartments. I hated the complacent lower-middle class suburban type life I grew up in, it felt fake and maddeningly boring, this was comfortable.
Ended up with a lot of short and long term health issues but nothing was worse to me than withdrawal. I didn't quit heroin until about 2 years ago, and only quit methadone one year ago.
I am still in this maddening state of culture shock and gnawing, frustrating, aganozing boredom. I feel out of place even with my friends because while ex addicts themselves, were more the domestically acceptable, functional type. I feel like I'm wasting time now trying to fit in here, however I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time being an addict when I know I had enormous potential. I read, understood and could quote philosophy books at age 10. I can't finish sentences half the time now, I leave my phone in the fridge. I don't understand most pop culture references. I can't remember what I had for breakfast or half my coworkers names. People can't understand me sometimes my speech is so disorganized and broken as if it's my second language. I'm 26 and I look like I'm 36 with ashy skin and cellulite and weird muscle tone and sunken eyes.
The weird thing is sometimes I'm really upset by all this, and sometimes I love it like its a badge of honor and wanna add to it an little more.
I hated the 100% sober thing too much and now occaisionally use substances I can handle myself with, which is limited to weed, benzos and meth. It brings me some form of comfort but I genuinely don't know how long I can keep this shit up sometimes. But I don't ever want to get to where I was before, literally barely even getting high anymore slamming .25 gram as soon as the last hit was wearing off just the keep from getting sick. And I know itd end up there again, but that doesn't stop me from wanting so damn hard to try and see if I can do h occasionally and get back deeper into the overall production/trade/sale game. I don't know. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone who understands has anything to say that they think I should hear.