Thankfully sanity has kicked in. My heart drifted like a helium balloon for a while... but it's back in my chest and I am going to be fine.
I let seeing F sway me for a while. Thankfully I'm strong enough inside that I was able to understand that I had my chance with him and it didn't work because the timing was just off. I test myself by seeing how I feel when I see how many females he speaks to on Facebook... and then I feel that horrible painful feeling that I get when I start to feel shit about myself. That's how I tell I'm not ready. People like Colm, even Jim that I met... I don't get that horrible emotional pain with them... so I think it's probably sensible that I stick with people like them rather than pining over a very tentative "what could have been"...
The wounds of losing my ex must be healing a bit... I feel a bit more rational. I want to spend time with friends a bit more. My confidence is coming back. I'm past the yearning grief stage again. Normally I get this far and I tumble back into the obscurity of the pain I hold inside... the wound opens and darkens like an abyss... I can't let that happen again. It sometimes feels like every time I get back up something knocks me back into that place and it's clear that I can't go there again.
When you try to break a habit you expect it to snap easily... but this is more like bending plastic back and forth until it weakens so much that it disintegrates. I need to keep bending this habit of falling back until I snap... and am set free.
I let seeing F sway me for a while. Thankfully I'm strong enough inside that I was able to understand that I had my chance with him and it didn't work because the timing was just off. I test myself by seeing how I feel when I see how many females he speaks to on Facebook... and then I feel that horrible painful feeling that I get when I start to feel shit about myself. That's how I tell I'm not ready. People like Colm, even Jim that I met... I don't get that horrible emotional pain with them... so I think it's probably sensible that I stick with people like them rather than pining over a very tentative "what could have been"...
The wounds of losing my ex must be healing a bit... I feel a bit more rational. I want to spend time with friends a bit more. My confidence is coming back. I'm past the yearning grief stage again. Normally I get this far and I tumble back into the obscurity of the pain I hold inside... the wound opens and darkens like an abyss... I can't let that happen again. It sometimes feels like every time I get back up something knocks me back into that place and it's clear that I can't go there again.
When you try to break a habit you expect it to snap easily... but this is more like bending plastic back and forth until it weakens so much that it disintegrates. I need to keep bending this habit of falling back until I snap... and am set free.
