I feel better now for having written. And yes, the fact that my $50/wk habit would be better spent not engaging in...yup well aware thankyou. Physically, I'm exhausted 24/7 if I don't & getting to work & working is torture because ever since quitting Tramadol March 2009, my sleep wake cycle is all fucked up. Unless I take an upper, my brain tells my body it's tired all the time. The Tramadol did a hell of a number fucking up my neurotransmitters & Christ it's a GIANT pain in the ass!
I remember the last 6 months I was active in NA, I had done everything the program suggested, call my sponsor, call other members, work the steps, go to meetings, pray, eat right, exercise, but not being fat & ditching the chronic fatigue were the only 2 things though they were BIG, I was unable to overcome even with the help of God, NA, the program, the community. I saw some of Overdone's journal. It's no accident every time I visit BL journals, I almost always manage to see Overdone's journal featured. Like I said, it's no accident. I know too that just because you are in NA, doing all the "right" things, & working very diligently in the solution, doesn't mean that you may be rid of some pain in the ass disease that seriously fucks with the quality of your life.
There are those that are rewarded with feeling good again, but then there are those that for whatever reason are not. Yet, I saw people stick out rediculous suffering like going through dialysis, interferon treatments while still working full time & going to NA meetings, haha yeah right fat chance I'd get half as far as that woman did. I had a higher tolerance for mental/emotional anguish like the humiliation of being fat which aside from being tremendous effort to move, God what a damned whale I was!
I always get a chuckle when occasionally, some random person, like Javier for example, saw me drug free working a program (PORKY) & now apparently much easier on the eyes, make some disparraging comment concerning my drug use I'd engaged in"before" then say "how much better I look now. whoa I can't believe it, you were a blimp before...." For whatever it's worth, even when the comments sting and are so true, confirming that shit was not my imagination, I respect their honesty. You may despise my secret life, but chances are unless you're my mother, you'll despise my old whale like appearance even more.
Yes, NA people loved me in spite of my unsightly fat, but I can't go down that road again. That was changing one drug for another to beyond extreme. America despises fatties, yet they make a big point of shoving food in our faces with 20 commercials between shows & worse fast food stand on every corner or lard high fat food guaranteed to up your B/P, pack on belly, narrow your arteries, clog your arteries, attack your pancrease, get your system out of balance, then before long, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, after morbid obesity has taken whatever dignity regarding appearance, then slowly usurping your independence by limiting mobility.
I loved NA, but if chronic fatigue & obesity are the prices for sobriety, uh uh, no thanks. Still, sinking deeper into despair during the last wks of my NA involvement, I couldn't understand why I either was not getting God's help to overcome that shit, or if I was, then why couldn't I be given the ability to receive the healing? I read & reasearched all sorts of books on spirituality, & a couple books, one A Course in Miracles & the other Understanding the Course by Marianne Williamson (name of book is approximate) said that most people have undisciplined minds & thoughts. First we must master the mind/thoughts, ect.
I gave it the old college try sober for a couple years & when I got frustrated once & asked why the hell didn't I fuckin get it already? Training a wayward mind and it's thoughts is simple but it's sure as hell not easy. I don't believe that God would want me to be fat or tired all the time. It was me that got myself into those situations, which further enhanced my frustrations at the fact that well goddamn it, I cut off one bad behavior, drugs, instant blimpo, but hey she's drug free. I didn't look healthy cause I was fat & drug use can be clocked easier, so am I condemned to a life of being a junkie or to food & a life of fat? My track record indicates in my case yes, & the older I get, the more years go by, the more firmly deep seated the neuropathology of my defective thinking will manifest through hidden track marks, but cover them up the world says I'm beautiful. Take away the chemicals, well other assets are shown, but so is the ugly fat girl. Retraining the mind is freaken difficult as hell, impossible in a society that slams heart attacks & obesity to go at every corner here, you know?
Still, I'd gladly take a "thought changing pill" to convert me to think the way a healthy eater does. Anyway, Maryanne Willismson said our prayers are heard by the Source or however you choose to define God. To me, God is simply pure energy without form or face, way beyond that, though energy can work through form. According to her, help comes but we're not always advanced enough to receive whatever form it may come. Often times it's our own beliefs that act as barriers, but Marianne wrote that if you're not advanced enough to take healing or aid in one way, then "God" tries to bring it to you in a way
you can accept--an MD, a magic feather, even a bleepn TV show perhaps. I held out 9 months, but never did find my magic feather, unless well this is it--with a price. Anyway, I'm still uncertain as to how this will all turn out. I don't want/require much. A room to myself, a car to go to work in & around town, an modest income without IRS, Feds taking my only means away.I never did learn how to be a scandalous criminal like some crazy tweekers, making corporate checks, cashing checks out of accounts that don't exist, shit like that. I admit, it's times like now just to pull off once or twice $2000 here or $1000 there, to start with a clean slate.
I remember the last 6 months I was active in NA, I had done everything the program suggested, call my sponsor, call other members, work the steps, go to meetings, pray, eat right, exercise, but not being fat & ditching the chronic fatigue were the only 2 things though they were BIG, I was unable to overcome even with the help of God, NA, the program, the community. I saw some of Overdone's journal. It's no accident every time I visit BL journals, I almost always manage to see Overdone's journal featured. Like I said, it's no accident. I know too that just because you are in NA, doing all the "right" things, & working very diligently in the solution, doesn't mean that you may be rid of some pain in the ass disease that seriously fucks with the quality of your life.
There are those that are rewarded with feeling good again, but then there are those that for whatever reason are not. Yet, I saw people stick out rediculous suffering like going through dialysis, interferon treatments while still working full time & going to NA meetings, haha yeah right fat chance I'd get half as far as that woman did. I had a higher tolerance for mental/emotional anguish like the humiliation of being fat which aside from being tremendous effort to move, God what a damned whale I was!
I always get a chuckle when occasionally, some random person, like Javier for example, saw me drug free working a program (PORKY) & now apparently much easier on the eyes, make some disparraging comment concerning my drug use I'd engaged in"before" then say "how much better I look now. whoa I can't believe it, you were a blimp before...." For whatever it's worth, even when the comments sting and are so true, confirming that shit was not my imagination, I respect their honesty. You may despise my secret life, but chances are unless you're my mother, you'll despise my old whale like appearance even more.
Yes, NA people loved me in spite of my unsightly fat, but I can't go down that road again. That was changing one drug for another to beyond extreme. America despises fatties, yet they make a big point of shoving food in our faces with 20 commercials between shows & worse fast food stand on every corner or lard high fat food guaranteed to up your B/P, pack on belly, narrow your arteries, clog your arteries, attack your pancrease, get your system out of balance, then before long, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, after morbid obesity has taken whatever dignity regarding appearance, then slowly usurping your independence by limiting mobility.
I loved NA, but if chronic fatigue & obesity are the prices for sobriety, uh uh, no thanks. Still, sinking deeper into despair during the last wks of my NA involvement, I couldn't understand why I either was not getting God's help to overcome that shit, or if I was, then why couldn't I be given the ability to receive the healing? I read & reasearched all sorts of books on spirituality, & a couple books, one A Course in Miracles & the other Understanding the Course by Marianne Williamson (name of book is approximate) said that most people have undisciplined minds & thoughts. First we must master the mind/thoughts, ect.
I gave it the old college try sober for a couple years & when I got frustrated once & asked why the hell didn't I fuckin get it already? Training a wayward mind and it's thoughts is simple but it's sure as hell not easy. I don't believe that God would want me to be fat or tired all the time. It was me that got myself into those situations, which further enhanced my frustrations at the fact that well goddamn it, I cut off one bad behavior, drugs, instant blimpo, but hey she's drug free. I didn't look healthy cause I was fat & drug use can be clocked easier, so am I condemned to a life of being a junkie or to food & a life of fat? My track record indicates in my case yes, & the older I get, the more years go by, the more firmly deep seated the neuropathology of my defective thinking will manifest through hidden track marks, but cover them up the world says I'm beautiful. Take away the chemicals, well other assets are shown, but so is the ugly fat girl. Retraining the mind is freaken difficult as hell, impossible in a society that slams heart attacks & obesity to go at every corner here, you know?
Still, I'd gladly take a "thought changing pill" to convert me to think the way a healthy eater does. Anyway, Maryanne Willismson said our prayers are heard by the Source or however you choose to define God. To me, God is simply pure energy without form or face, way beyond that, though energy can work through form. According to her, help comes but we're not always advanced enough to receive whatever form it may come. Often times it's our own beliefs that act as barriers, but Marianne wrote that if you're not advanced enough to take healing or aid in one way, then "God" tries to bring it to you in a way
you can accept--an MD, a magic feather, even a bleepn TV show perhaps. I held out 9 months, but never did find my magic feather, unless well this is it--with a price. Anyway, I'm still uncertain as to how this will all turn out. I don't want/require much. A room to myself, a car to go to work in & around town, an modest income without IRS, Feds taking my only means away.I never did learn how to be a scandalous criminal like some crazy tweekers, making corporate checks, cashing checks out of accounts that don't exist, shit like that. I admit, it's times like now just to pull off once or twice $2000 here or $1000 there, to start with a clean slate.
