Ok, so I recieved a healthy sum of money from student loans the other day, now I am an active member of NA with a couple of sponsees and numerous service commitments After withdrawing the $ from the bank I run into an old friend who happened to have a bottle of the little triangles. Of all the drugs i have done these are the ones i missed the most. Now keep in mind, I have been clean for quite some time and work a pretty good program. Even though i have not been using, my addiction has still been causing problems in my life. I am a married man and have an obsession with hookers, I am at the card room at least 3 times a week, and pretty much make my living in a borderline legal industry. Anyway, even though i havent used in 3 years, i was still living in the disease. When the 8 mg dillys were offered to me, with a clean set of works, I could not resist. The first shot was pure bliss. that was 3 days ago and i have been through about 30 trying to recapture that first hit. I have also been taking valium and bars to increase the nod. I have been going to NA for so long I think I am brainwashed. I am powerless. Right now i just did a 16mg shot and am sitting here with a 100 piece of killer rock. I feel fantastic, but i know when all my new NA friends find out, the guilt and shame will set in. I only have 4 dillys , 10v's and the rock so i am gonna live it up while i can. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. I have been a mem of bluelight for quite some time and this is my first post so i am not sure wher it should go.
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Valium, dillys, crack, and NA.
- Thread starter joepep
- Start date
jackie jones
Bluelight Crew
I feel this is best suited for The Dark Side, so I am going to send it over there.
Peace.
Peace.
Venrak
Bluelight Crew
Just remember not to beat yourself up too much about it. You lapsed, yes, but this doesn't have to be a relapse. Your time clean is not time wasted, I am sure you've learned a lot about yourself if you were able to stay clean for three years.
Keep it up.
Keep it up.
jones-in_J
Bluelighter
yeah man be proud of what you've done staying clean as long as you did.. I'm sure you've gotten a lot of things done and accomplished a lot that wouldn't of happened otherwise so don't take that for granted just because you have to change your clean date and trade in your little plastic keys for a new white one.
I've stopped doing really hard stuff (for the most part) for the last year on probation have been sticking to kratom. Will I go back to getting high at some point? I don't know, probably. But that doesn't negate everything I've accomplished up to this point, nor does it for you my man.
I've stopped doing really hard stuff (for the most part) for the last year on probation have been sticking to kratom. Will I go back to getting high at some point? I don't know, probably. But that doesn't negate everything I've accomplished up to this point, nor does it for you my man.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
I don't think the intention of the statement "I am powerless over my addiction" is intended to mean that you are powerless overall. The intended message is that you are powerless when left to your own "addiction" mind with no support, no higher consciousness, etc. The higher power that so many people get hung up on is ultimately your own higher consciousness IMO--which is ironically the antithesis of being powerless.
Guilt and shame are useless. Remorse is very different. Remorse says we accept responsibility and we can move forward. Guilt and shame just solidify the cycle. Talking about what you have gone through at a meeting will take courage but it will probably serve to illustrate to many people how tenuous the grip on sobriety may be. You are part of a group of people that try to help each other with their vulnerability, their honesty and their mutual trust. Don't wait to be "found out". Stand up tall with your head high and talk about how this felt from start to finish. It is your story. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If you use this however to alienate yourself from your NA support system, I think you will be doing yourself (and them) a grave disservice.
I really hope that you will see this as a lapse and nothing more. It showed you what you needed to see--that it holds the same short term bliss at first, then that becomes unobtainable and the trap is set again....
Good luck. Be strong and listen to what you know.
Missykins
Bluelighter
Did you have a sponsor? If not, you need to have have one because it's important to have a sponsor. You'll relapse without one. And your story is not that uncommon. You'll only benefit by coming clean at a meeting or going to rehab. Have you been working the steps with a sponsor? If no, you should be.