I really am enjoying the rest of my time off as I sit here typing in the middle of the night. I was shocked to see that when I picked up my phone to look at something, there were 9 motherfucking calls! I'm like what the fuck? Ok, well dunno if I'm in trouble, but I DID arrange with both my company and the family to be off yesterday and they obviously forgot. Oh goody I get to deal with that tomorrow or whenever soon. My bank account is down $100 more than it should be. I had mentioned to Aimee I had gone online to make more money by responding to an ad that you get paid by Google to post web links. That sounded good to me, but no where did it say anything about hidden fees. They charge $1.98 to your card, but Aimee said that they acutally bill you $72 a month for this shit. I freaked. That explained the lack of funds last Thursday, then the bank charging me a $24 NSF fee.
Fuck me, man I haven't had to deal with that shit for over 2 years. More shit I have to deal with. I've been having to literally force myself to eat every day, and usually I manage 2 small snacks or 1 meal and I can't believe how fast the time goes by and I'm asking myself, "I HAVE to eat again already?" I make sure to do it too, cause I don't want to feel the weakness of low blood sugar. It's incredible how completely different my thinking is about food like day and night when on meth or not on meth. When I'm not on it, I have to stop myself from eating out of bordome or reflex, and when I'm on it, I whine to myself saying "I don't WANT to eat!" but I usually force something down anyway. Still, the lbs are disappearing every single day, Christ. I've had Brendan, Aimee, the dope fiends at the garage, and even strangers on line that see me as I am now and praise me for my beauty or whatever.
I'm flattered, but I just never saw it before, ever unless I was what I considered to be thin. I'm grateful to Brendan, Aimee, and the weight loss of course, cause it's a horrible burden to have to look in the mirror and hate what you see, it's ugly because of too much unwanted fat. It fucks up your psyche and wears you down, and God I don't EVER want to have to go through that again! I also don't EVER want to have to be that horrible disgusting weight I had before which caused me just as many problems carrying around 240 lbs as it was being a hard core strung out junkie, the only diference is the problems were a trade off. I love how I look now and I'm no longer ashamed of the prospect of having to undress in front of someone, especially a man, and that's a great freedom.
Am still wonderin should I do the hit of acid Wed (sometime today?) Somehow, I'll have to suffer the food cravings and be extremely disciplined enough not to eat more than 2 or 3 small meals a day so I don't gain back any weight the second I stop the drug. Brendan and I continue to keep writing back and forth and Christ there is a ton of porn right there. I will say this about meth too, is that it DOES help me become way more of a wild woman, instead of the conservative one sober, which frankly is fucking irritating. If I ever actually DID see Brendan, which I doubt because I have no fucking money and he'll probably cry poor too because he has no job. It's all good. The thing is it would be too hard to sneak and do meth behind his back, but a couple pills of X would be easy AND they would do the trick. Goodbye conservative woman and inhibitions, free me up for once to have a good time, Christ.
These stupid obstacles of shyness, shame, and introversion have little by little begun to lift bit by bit, but it's taking a long ass time. It had been so long since I'd done sex or drugs, that I'd completely forgotten that they existed pretty much, especially sex. At least when I was still using before I got clean, even though I really didn't have sex that much, other than a way to make money occasionally, my mind was still able to be somewhat open due to the meth. I get so fucking sick and tired of all these stupid hang ups no matter if I'm sober or loaded. If I'm sober, food and weight are the main issue, plus other minor ones like writer's block, not able to enjoy sex because it seems and feels so damn boring compared to NOW. When I'm stuck with a habit, like now, the issues are constant poverty, getting in trouble for letting shit slide that I let pile up and didn't want to deal with, plus no real time left over after the meth and working full time take their toll.
Issues. Always something. I get mad because they shouldn't be big fucking deals, yet with me they turn into just that, fuck. Brendan is indeed a sex addict. It makes sense that one addict would somehow attract another, but he'd be absolutely mortified if he knew the kind of addict I am. Sad to say, but I'm a much better lover on meth or X than sober, now not A LOT, but a small dose of either. I don't want there to have to be boundaries between Erik and I either. I respectfully did NOT bring up certain issues because I did NOT want to upset him. He said something when he called me at work a few nights ago about not having to have secrets or shit that we are too afraid to bring up, I forget exactly, but I really liked what he had to say. It's so much easier if everyone can say what's on their mind or ask questions without fear of upsetting the other person.
For the first time, I could REALLY tell too, that he was able to call and talk to me because he was under the influence of meth. He has a difficult time when there are no chemicals. That's a problem I have too, perhaps to a slightly lesser degree. I wish there was one of my old dope fiend friends on line I could talk to. I'd shoot up the last of my meth with them on line if they wanted, just like the old days, but now unfortunately, most of them are gone or they quit doing meth. Sigh. I dread this shit. I dread having to kick, God it's gonna suck so much. Still, I guess if I don't stop for a little while, it's gonna suck just as much or maybe even more. I'm no longer clean, but have to get undirty, at least with the meth. It's sad because I'm no longer a part of the NA community, as I don't want to tell the whole community I'm back on chems. Eventually my sponsor will have to be told. Ok I'm trippin. I just want a fucking life without so many goddamned hassles clean or loaded.
So, here's an old cyber story, from the days I'd shoot up, get all hot and bothered, and instead of getting live dick, I'd get it on line. On line there were never disappointments but live one night stands ALWAYS were. Brendan being a sex addict certainly explains why he's so good at it, a skill I can certainly appreciate. If anything, he is helping me to overcome my own inhibitions by being VERY open to suggestion and making it perfectly clear he will not judge. So there it is, I just need to do it with him already and use that as therapy to be direct and to do shit I'm not comfortable with in order to not let it bother me anymore. One thing I have always done, and always gotten away with in sex until Brendan is the fact that I always either close my eyes, or even better get sex from behind that way I don't have to make eye contact and my face is covered. I'd rather the guy fucking me sees my ass and not my face, but that's not gonna work with Brendan. I told him fine, he's gonna have to be patient and work with me, which he is.
Still, this is only cyber as far as I'm concerned because I'm not going to ASSume he's gonna fly here or put up the money again to fly me to Dublin. So cyber it is and even that is good practice communicating. I got all kinds of silly, superficial issues that cropped up after I got clean that I never really knew the depth of until the chemicals ceased for a while. Fuck, I only hope I can drag my ass out of whatever trouble there is with work and all this other bullshit...the piles of bills, the phone calls, ect. I try to have as few responsibilities as possible because I find them to be a burden.
Fuck me, man I haven't had to deal with that shit for over 2 years. More shit I have to deal with. I've been having to literally force myself to eat every day, and usually I manage 2 small snacks or 1 meal and I can't believe how fast the time goes by and I'm asking myself, "I HAVE to eat again already?" I make sure to do it too, cause I don't want to feel the weakness of low blood sugar. It's incredible how completely different my thinking is about food like day and night when on meth or not on meth. When I'm not on it, I have to stop myself from eating out of bordome or reflex, and when I'm on it, I whine to myself saying "I don't WANT to eat!" but I usually force something down anyway. Still, the lbs are disappearing every single day, Christ. I've had Brendan, Aimee, the dope fiends at the garage, and even strangers on line that see me as I am now and praise me for my beauty or whatever.
I'm flattered, but I just never saw it before, ever unless I was what I considered to be thin. I'm grateful to Brendan, Aimee, and the weight loss of course, cause it's a horrible burden to have to look in the mirror and hate what you see, it's ugly because of too much unwanted fat. It fucks up your psyche and wears you down, and God I don't EVER want to have to go through that again! I also don't EVER want to have to be that horrible disgusting weight I had before which caused me just as many problems carrying around 240 lbs as it was being a hard core strung out junkie, the only diference is the problems were a trade off. I love how I look now and I'm no longer ashamed of the prospect of having to undress in front of someone, especially a man, and that's a great freedom.
Am still wonderin should I do the hit of acid Wed (sometime today?) Somehow, I'll have to suffer the food cravings and be extremely disciplined enough not to eat more than 2 or 3 small meals a day so I don't gain back any weight the second I stop the drug. Brendan and I continue to keep writing back and forth and Christ there is a ton of porn right there. I will say this about meth too, is that it DOES help me become way more of a wild woman, instead of the conservative one sober, which frankly is fucking irritating. If I ever actually DID see Brendan, which I doubt because I have no fucking money and he'll probably cry poor too because he has no job. It's all good. The thing is it would be too hard to sneak and do meth behind his back, but a couple pills of X would be easy AND they would do the trick. Goodbye conservative woman and inhibitions, free me up for once to have a good time, Christ.
These stupid obstacles of shyness, shame, and introversion have little by little begun to lift bit by bit, but it's taking a long ass time. It had been so long since I'd done sex or drugs, that I'd completely forgotten that they existed pretty much, especially sex. At least when I was still using before I got clean, even though I really didn't have sex that much, other than a way to make money occasionally, my mind was still able to be somewhat open due to the meth. I get so fucking sick and tired of all these stupid hang ups no matter if I'm sober or loaded. If I'm sober, food and weight are the main issue, plus other minor ones like writer's block, not able to enjoy sex because it seems and feels so damn boring compared to NOW. When I'm stuck with a habit, like now, the issues are constant poverty, getting in trouble for letting shit slide that I let pile up and didn't want to deal with, plus no real time left over after the meth and working full time take their toll.
Issues. Always something. I get mad because they shouldn't be big fucking deals, yet with me they turn into just that, fuck. Brendan is indeed a sex addict. It makes sense that one addict would somehow attract another, but he'd be absolutely mortified if he knew the kind of addict I am. Sad to say, but I'm a much better lover on meth or X than sober, now not A LOT, but a small dose of either. I don't want there to have to be boundaries between Erik and I either. I respectfully did NOT bring up certain issues because I did NOT want to upset him. He said something when he called me at work a few nights ago about not having to have secrets or shit that we are too afraid to bring up, I forget exactly, but I really liked what he had to say. It's so much easier if everyone can say what's on their mind or ask questions without fear of upsetting the other person.
For the first time, I could REALLY tell too, that he was able to call and talk to me because he was under the influence of meth. He has a difficult time when there are no chemicals. That's a problem I have too, perhaps to a slightly lesser degree. I wish there was one of my old dope fiend friends on line I could talk to. I'd shoot up the last of my meth with them on line if they wanted, just like the old days, but now unfortunately, most of them are gone or they quit doing meth. Sigh. I dread this shit. I dread having to kick, God it's gonna suck so much. Still, I guess if I don't stop for a little while, it's gonna suck just as much or maybe even more. I'm no longer clean, but have to get undirty, at least with the meth. It's sad because I'm no longer a part of the NA community, as I don't want to tell the whole community I'm back on chems. Eventually my sponsor will have to be told. Ok I'm trippin. I just want a fucking life without so many goddamned hassles clean or loaded.
So, here's an old cyber story, from the days I'd shoot up, get all hot and bothered, and instead of getting live dick, I'd get it on line. On line there were never disappointments but live one night stands ALWAYS were. Brendan being a sex addict certainly explains why he's so good at it, a skill I can certainly appreciate. If anything, he is helping me to overcome my own inhibitions by being VERY open to suggestion and making it perfectly clear he will not judge. So there it is, I just need to do it with him already and use that as therapy to be direct and to do shit I'm not comfortable with in order to not let it bother me anymore. One thing I have always done, and always gotten away with in sex until Brendan is the fact that I always either close my eyes, or even better get sex from behind that way I don't have to make eye contact and my face is covered. I'd rather the guy fucking me sees my ass and not my face, but that's not gonna work with Brendan. I told him fine, he's gonna have to be patient and work with me, which he is.
Still, this is only cyber as far as I'm concerned because I'm not going to ASSume he's gonna fly here or put up the money again to fly me to Dublin. So cyber it is and even that is good practice communicating. I got all kinds of silly, superficial issues that cropped up after I got clean that I never really knew the depth of until the chemicals ceased for a while. Fuck, I only hope I can drag my ass out of whatever trouble there is with work and all this other bullshit...the piles of bills, the phone calls, ect. I try to have as few responsibilities as possible because I find them to be a burden.