This piece is a sequel of this poem.
Sigh.
That's all i can do.
In my kitchen, washing dishes, staring straight ahead.
Letting the water run over my hands and burn them,
Not even noticing.
Tears of hurt? Sadness? Anger? burning in my eyes.
Danny comes up behind me and puts his arms around me,
And i hardly even notice.
As he talks to me, in that gentle voice,
Worried, caringly,
I am bitter and abrupt with him
For no reason at all
Trying with every crack in my voice
To shield my disappointment
Not knowing what the hell i'm mad at,
But mostly mad at myself for getting my hopes up once again.
I brought this upon myself.
I pushed everything aside as usual,
Dropping even the most important things
To go to that damn party
Where you said you'd be.
At the last moment, hopes high,
The realization that for whatever reason,
You wouldn't be able to make it again.
I should have let the invisible force keeping us apart
Do just that...
But instead,
I spent hours getting ready,
Trying to make myself look prettier than the last time you saw me
Hoping you'd look at me and sigh,
And know what you'd given up.
And i should have known i wouldn't see you tonight
Should have never broken my plans,
Or got my hopes up
Because this is just too much...
This is just to deja-vu of every fucking time you said you'd be there,
And never came.
And you could always rationalize it...
You were so quick with excuses
So clever with your alibi.
What could i say.
I can feel my body tense, my blood pressure rise,
And i snap on everyone i come into contact with
Because i'm so mad at you,
For not being here
My mind clouds itself with negative thoughts,
And suddenly everything in my life sucks...
And this guy who stands at my side,
Who's here, unlike you,
All i can do is look right past him and be mad,
Hateful,
Spiteful,
Because i feel like i'm nothing to him
I feel like every moment i spend with him,
Is leading me nowhere
And my heart is stuck somewhere forbidden
And everything is just all...
fucked.
My whole night i spend on edge and embraced in bitterment,
Hating every second of it
Wishing i had never put faith in this
Hurting so bad inside that its so hard to hold in the screams.
Danny gives up trying,
And i feel the biggest sinking in the pit of my stomach,
knowing i'm hurting him
and he has no idea why
and i hate myself for doing it...
but YOU made me this way
Skeptical, untrusting, unsatisfied, angry, impatient... sad.
The kind of sad where you just sigh,
And you feel your whole spirit just slip right out of you,
Into the ground
Your soul shatters
Your tears cant help but trickle down your cheeks
And its all so familiar,
So goddamn repetitive
of a time you thought you'd finally got over in your life.
I know that its not entirely your fault that you're not here,
But i can't help but hide my resentment,
My usual disappointment
I waited a year to see you again
And who knows if i will ever get that chance
Jenn asks me as i curl my hair,
"Are you nervous, ya know, to see him again?"
And i nod,
But more than anything
I just want to feel like we've come to some conclusion out of all this...
I feel like you left me hanging long ago,
And never came back to tie up your loose ends.
Hell, i still have a bunch of your stuff to give you...
It just sits in my closet waiting for you,
Just like me.
Wherever you are tonight,
I'm thinking of you.
Thinking what it would have been like to see you after all this time.
Thanks, once again,
For disappointing me.
Sigh.
That's all i can do.
In my kitchen, washing dishes, staring straight ahead.
Letting the water run over my hands and burn them,
Not even noticing.
Tears of hurt? Sadness? Anger? burning in my eyes.
Danny comes up behind me and puts his arms around me,
And i hardly even notice.
As he talks to me, in that gentle voice,
Worried, caringly,
I am bitter and abrupt with him
For no reason at all
Trying with every crack in my voice
To shield my disappointment
Not knowing what the hell i'm mad at,
But mostly mad at myself for getting my hopes up once again.
I brought this upon myself.
I pushed everything aside as usual,
Dropping even the most important things
To go to that damn party
Where you said you'd be.
At the last moment, hopes high,
The realization that for whatever reason,
You wouldn't be able to make it again.
I should have let the invisible force keeping us apart
Do just that...
But instead,
I spent hours getting ready,
Trying to make myself look prettier than the last time you saw me
Hoping you'd look at me and sigh,
And know what you'd given up.
And i should have known i wouldn't see you tonight
Should have never broken my plans,
Or got my hopes up
Because this is just too much...
This is just to deja-vu of every fucking time you said you'd be there,
And never came.
And you could always rationalize it...
You were so quick with excuses
So clever with your alibi.
What could i say.
I can feel my body tense, my blood pressure rise,
And i snap on everyone i come into contact with
Because i'm so mad at you,
For not being here
My mind clouds itself with negative thoughts,
And suddenly everything in my life sucks...
And this guy who stands at my side,
Who's here, unlike you,
All i can do is look right past him and be mad,
Hateful,
Spiteful,
Because i feel like i'm nothing to him
I feel like every moment i spend with him,
Is leading me nowhere
And my heart is stuck somewhere forbidden
And everything is just all...
fucked.
My whole night i spend on edge and embraced in bitterment,
Hating every second of it
Wishing i had never put faith in this
Hurting so bad inside that its so hard to hold in the screams.
Danny gives up trying,
And i feel the biggest sinking in the pit of my stomach,
knowing i'm hurting him
and he has no idea why
and i hate myself for doing it...
but YOU made me this way
Skeptical, untrusting, unsatisfied, angry, impatient... sad.
The kind of sad where you just sigh,
And you feel your whole spirit just slip right out of you,
Into the ground
Your soul shatters
Your tears cant help but trickle down your cheeks
And its all so familiar,
So goddamn repetitive
of a time you thought you'd finally got over in your life.
I know that its not entirely your fault that you're not here,
But i can't help but hide my resentment,
My usual disappointment
I waited a year to see you again
And who knows if i will ever get that chance
Jenn asks me as i curl my hair,
"Are you nervous, ya know, to see him again?"
And i nod,
But more than anything
I just want to feel like we've come to some conclusion out of all this...
I feel like you left me hanging long ago,
And never came back to tie up your loose ends.
Hell, i still have a bunch of your stuff to give you...
It just sits in my closet waiting for you,
Just like me.
Wherever you are tonight,
I'm thinking of you.
Thinking what it would have been like to see you after all this time.
Thanks, once again,
For disappointing me.
