Addiction Using to escape the feeling of happiness just like you would to escape feelings of dread

[LucidSDreamr]

Edit: it might just be mania I experience because it’s short lived but the point still stands that I want to stop a good headspace.

When you've been sober for a while...you ever feel so happy and life feels like everything is perfect...and that feeling itself is something uncomfortable you want to use over to remove the feeling just like you would use to remove a depressed feeling.

Like you would rather be blank and numb than happy.

This happens to me and I don’t understand it.

And this ties into self isolation in a way that when I’m happy and I want to show love to ppl…it’s something I’ve always had trouble with; showing love; but feeling the love is easy…just can’t show it. When I’m happy I want to show it and don’t know how so it’s easy to just cancel out the feeling of happiness with a drug and then the problem goes away.

 

[S550Fan87]

I havent been completely sober in a long time. Although most of the time, when im not "actively high", my brain translates that into being sober.
Most of the time, when i feel that way. I end up using whatever i can find just to 'change' the way i feel right then.
Lately ive been thinking maybe its somewhat of a control issue for me. I cant control anything else, so im going to control my mental state. And simply change it in some way because it becomes uncomfortable for me to sit with longer than 10 minutes or so.

Alot of times the feeling of happiness comes, and i almost get scared of it. Like i dont know what to do with myself.... or how to just enjoy it. So I go and make myself miserable again, because it is familiar. Im so used to being angry, frustrated, stressed out, tired. And really in the back of my mind i know its all an excuse. Ive been trying to notice when this happens and point it out to myself.

Things like remembering the times when my son was younger.... and how happy I was just to spend time with him and have him around me. Now i almost do the opposite and seemingly push him away.... which bothers the living hell out of me.
All i want to do is run away and be by myself and feel.... as much of nothing as i possibly can.
But while im doing that... all i can think about is how i wish i was strong enough to go and spend time with the ones i love, and for that to be "enough" for me.... without constantly partaking in some substance to make me feel 'different' than i do in that moment.
Once i do feel different, i usually find an excuse as to why that different isnt good enough, and i need to do more or something else to feel different again.
And on and on it goes.