I'm in same nightmare. Had huge habit. Over 20 years. I remember the good stuff. I somehow got myself clean, last Feb. Made it 14 months, on bupe. The. Virus hit, work stopped, everything I loved doing, hobbies, were impossible. Lost my girl, depression set in, and been using almost 2 months now. The guilt involved is unreal. Plus, same issue. Nothing here is H. I dont know what I got last few days, kept the WD away, but didnt feel myself, at all.
Now, I'm ready to take my life back, get back on subs, but I'm terrified. I'm all alone. Live alone. In quarantine, no where to go, out of work, and afraid.
I have 2 more days, til I see my dr. But, I do have some subs left. Wish I had diazepam to help. Have to wait a few days til I get a script. But, I cant keep using this fake H. I have no money, cant work, and stuck at home. Alone, staring at walls, going totally insane. I have to do this tho. The past year, 14 months, were the best, in my whole life. I want that back. Just need to talk to someone. I pit myself in PwD last year. Terrified its gonna happen again. Plus, again, I cant go to AA meetings, have no real friends, that understand what I'm going through. My family is here, I'm town, and they're the best. But, again, dont understand how hard it is.
I know what y'all goin thru. Wish u all the best.
I dont remember how I did it last year. I used the bernese method I know, but the fake H I'm getting now, os scaring me, because I dont know what it is. Just pure white, has a medicine taste. Kinda tastes like burnt plastic. Makes my ears ring, holds of WD fairly decent, but will not take away restless legs, or give me energy. Does anyone have an idea, what it might possibly be ?
I'm open to anything, any advice.
I just want my life back. Feel like I'm human again.
Thanks ahead of time, and good luck, to all that are really trying.
PS. One other thing that scares me once I do get clean again, back on my subs, how am I gonna stay sober. Stuck alone, just my insane mind, to keep me company. Something has to give. I could never actually do it, but, lately, I wish I wouldnt wake up one day. Just to get away from this horrible feeling.
I went from top of the world, to hell, in matter of a few weeks. I'm trying to climb back out. Can't help thinking it's useless. I'll go thru the pain again, get clean, and have the same emptiness I my life.
I know I need support. But, where do I find it now. I got lucky, dr knows how bad i want this. And i will not lie to him. So I'm getting a second chance. But, what do i do after this. Virtual meetings don't seem real. I'm human. I need to interact with others.
Seems like I have a few problems piled up here. But, getting back on subs, seems like it should be my 1st priority. Then, finding someone to talk to, something to do, so I dont relapse again...
I'm just all confuesed, and feel so alone.
Any suggestions. I hate feeling like this.
Thanks everyone. And I pray for anyone going thru this. It's not easy. Especially right now, the way we are all kept alone.