Used MDMA for two years. been on lexapro for two months. Conflicted raver needs help!

[Sublime947]

Hello BL,

I would really appreciate some strong advice or guidance for somebody who has strong expertise with the long-term interactions between MDMA/other entheogens and SSRIs

I am a 19 year old male, and I have been using MDMA and a plethora of psychedelic substances for almost two years.
(Also dabbled with heroin for about half a year (due to depression/anxiety) but went to treatment last month and intend to stay clean)

Over the last year, I have sunk into a dark period of depression and social anxiety, mostly due to isolation from losing the people I called my "friends". I can also attribute my anxiety to heavy marijuana use, which I have quit for the moment being.
I had a post a few months ago explaining my problems detail here in the mental health section if anyone remembers it: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/665553-My-social-anxiety-levels-are-off-the-charts

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for 2 and a half months. I got diagnosed with social phobia/anxiety disorder, OCD, and mild depression. She has prescribed me the medication lexapro (escitalopram) which is an SSRI. She also wants me to maintain sobriety after telling her my past history of drug use... (of course). I have been taking lexapro for about 2 months. At first I was put on 10mg for about a month and a half. Now I am 20mg and have been taking that dosage for about 1.5 weeks. Sure it helps my anxiety a little bit. But I also don't feel as sharp, feel a bit blunted, have insomnia and weird vivid dreams sometimes, and feel a little bit more depressed at times. I know that I SSRIs take about 4-6 weeks to kick in (and I am on a new 20mg dosage....) but I am not seeing any big miracles yet. I think this is also in part because I am conflicted whenever I take the medication. I don't look forward to it. Why? Well because it means I won't be able to take MDMA or other drugs of the like safely. I would really like to discontinue my lexapro treatment... and I know that doesn't sound like it would be medically good for me but I really do miss ecstasy.

I love music and raving. And MDMA/psychedelics introduced me to a whole new world, and at this age I really don't want to give that up. I love going to concerts and festivals, and they were one of my best sources of happiness. Although due to abuse, it may have triggered some of the issues I am currently facing such as the social anxiety. However I have learned to be a more responsible drug user. I haven't touched MDMA/psychedelics in about 4 months anyways, and won't dare touch it especially on this medication. Another reason I want to return to it, is because I used to go to a lot of concerts with these 2 individuals who I considered close friends. Well, we aren't friends anymore, and they turned out to be very fake individuals. Do you know what it is like to have a ton of magical experiences on MDMA/psychedelics with people, but now no longer associate with and dislike you? It is pretty depressing. In part this was my fault, but I wanted to separate from them as I felt as they were very artificial. I am going to a new community college this upcoming Fall, and I am hoping to meet a lot more genuine people, and I am going to do my best to make good friends and won't make the same mistakes. I really would like to do MDMA again, but I can't while under this SSRI.

I have read that tapering off SSRIs is hard, but I don't think it will be that difficult for me. Especially with a new generation SSRI like lexapro. I have skipped days before of not taking it and I felt fine. Maybe even a little more like myself when I didn't take it... especially recently with my high 20mg dosage.... what scares me though is how long it stays in your system and that it potentially changes your brain chemistry. I read somewhere on this forum that it can take months for your serotonin to go back to normal from SSRIs and that even after many months MDMA will still feel reduced. This part really scares me. Since I have been taking it for only 2 months I don't want to be on it for like a year or something, and then when I stop taking it I try to roll 4 months after I quit and I don't feel the same effects... That would be very sad.

I would like to get off it ASAP, but I know my psychiatrist wouldn't advise it and she would ask what is wrong. Would it be unwise to not take it, but tell my doc I am taking it anyways? I'd feel guilty if I did that and would feel like I would be wasting her effort and mine. I feel like I can tackle my anxiety/depression on my own without it though.


Need some strong advice from someone experienced with this kind of stuff....this is a hard decision I have to make here. Thank for reading I really appreciate it.

 

[matt2012]

so your anxiety and depression were bad enough that you went to see a doctor. the doctor has put you on the path to correcting your anxiet/depression issues but you want to jepordies your recovery and quality of life just so you can take MDMA?

You made the correct decision seeking help for your condition...I hope you are smart enough to make the correct decision about your MDMA use.

even if you get off the SSRI, its a bad idea for someone with anxiety/depression issues to take MDMA. you need to get your shit sorted before doing drugs again.

 

[Folley]

If you don't feel the medication is working for you, the sooner you get off it the better off you will be. But, if you don't fully give it a chance you may not get the help you need.. it's a hard choice, and is one you'll likely need to make with your doctor and not us crazy internet folk

 

[Downstem]

I've been taking SSRIs for 3 months ESCITALOPRAM 5MG once a day. I haven't done MDMA in my entire life but plan too, i've done some psychedelics and smoke a lot of cannabis. I would say the medication started to work for me the second month around half way though, I am on my way to stopping it try MDMA and simply because I've finally conquered what caused my anxiety.

 

[sogabe9]

try 5-HTP. it works great.

in the meantime, you mentioned you stopped smoking weed FOR THE MOMENT.
for me weed, MDMA, coke, all gives me anxiety problem..so I figured I stay away from all that to have my anxiety go away again.

you're young, I know you want to party, but yeah go clean of any substances for now.. I swear weed gives me the worst anxiety so try off of everything for a month and I'm sure you'll see improvements?

and seriously, 5-htp is great..must try if you haven't. It's the most common recovery supplement for all the e-tards around me.

 

[Youngling]

I feel like I can tackle my anxiety/depression on my own without it though.

You don't need it.

 

[ggarza921]

so your anxiety and depression were bad enough that you went to see a doctor. the doctor has put you on the path to correcting your anxiet/depression issues but you want to jepordies your recovery and quality of life just so you can take MDMA?

You made the correct decision seeking help for your condition...I hope you are smart enough to make the correct decision about your MDMA use.

even if you get off the SSRI, its a bad idea for someone with anxiety/depression issues to take MDMA. you need to get your shit sorted before doing drugs again.

I strongly second this comment. You need to be sure all your issues are sorted out before you start messing with MD or any other drugs again. Even then, it might not be safe. Why risk fucking yourself up even further when you're on the road to recovery? Just keep doing what you're doing until you feel at ease with yourself again..

 

[thelastclubkid]

Hello BL,

I would really appreciate some strong advice or guidance for somebody who has strong expertise with the long-term interactions between MDMA/other entheogens and SSRIs

...Need some strong advice from someone experienced with this kind of stuff....this is a hard decision I have to make here. Thank for reading I really appreciate it.

ok well I can probably offer up a nickles worth of advice here.. i have (like yourself) rolled a lot; probably more than yourself (for me i lost count after 500 times).. i have also been through heroin addiction and beat it and also been on SSRI's so our experiences are similar; i just many more years under my belt. anyway here are a couple of things i have learned:

when i first started using MDMA regularly i went through the same things: i rolled with people and connected with them only to find out similar things about them being fake; this is a pretty normal experience though: people are generally flawed even when they don't mean to be so don't take it too personally. the important thing is to realize that the feelings/connections you get using MDMA aren't real but that's OK; its possible to take those feelings and still use them to grow emotionally and spiritually with the express understanding that the growth is happening internally (e.g. so you feel connected while rolling but you also understand that the next day not to expect a lot from that person...) It took me 2 years of rolling every weekend to really come to this realization but the end result is great; i go out and meet people and have a great time and can still be detached enough to determine if people are genuinely worth being friends with...

Now the SSRI's... i have personally never found them to be in *any* way effective for myself so i quit them after 3 months.. SSRI's do not have a particularly great track record for fixing depression. I know that they are lifesavers for some people but overall statistically they only show marginal effectiveness. this has not stopped psychiatrists from throwing them at anything even close to depression... Anyway forget about my opinion: how do you feel? do you think they are helping? Ultimately you need to decide how much you depression/anxiety issues effect you and how you want to treat them.. one thing i can say is do not let "guilt" figure into it... if you want to quit don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Its your life and your mental health...

 

[Downstem]

ok well I can probably offer up a nickles worth of advice here.. i have (like yourself) rolled a lot; probably more than yourself (for me i lost count after 500 times).. i have also been through heroin addiction and beat it and also been on SSRI's so our experiences are similar; i just many more years under my belt. anyway here are a couple of things i have learned:

when i first started using MDMA regularly i went through the same things: i rolled with people and connected with them only to find out similar things about them being fake; this is a pretty normal experience though: people are generally flawed even when they don't mean to be so don't take it too personally. the important thing is to realize that the feelings/connections you get using MDMA aren't real but that's OK; its possible to take those feelings and still use them to grow emotionally and spiritually with the express understanding that the growth is happening internally (e.g. so you feel connected while rolling but you also understand that the next day not to expect a lot from that person...) It took me 2 years of rolling every weekend to really come to this realization but the end result is great; i go out and meet people and have a great time and can still be detached enough to determine if people are genuinely worth being friends with...

Now the SSRI's... i have personally never found them to be in *any* way effective for myself so i quit them after 3 months.. SSRI's do not have a particularly great track record for fixing depression. I know that they are lifesavers for some people but overall statistically they only show marginal effectiveness. this has not stopped psychiatrists from throwing them at anything even close to depression... Anyway forget about my opinion: how do you feel? do you think they are helping? Ultimately you need to decide how much you depression/anxiety issues effect you and how you want to treat them.. one thing i can say is do not let "guilt" figure into it... if you want to quit don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Its your life and your mental health...

How long after stopping your SSRI did you feel safe to start doing molly again?

 

[Mazzab]

There should be a rule ED forums that you can't say e-tards or use the word Molly.