THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
I have googled everything I can think of and UTFSE in here too, but nothing addreses my exact situation I think, and this forum is the most personally involved of all so here goes.
I have trigeminal neuralgia type 2, I'm meeting my neurologist on the 12th to discuss microvascular decompression and obtaining a medicatio better than Lyrica to complete it, not that lyrica is totally useless, more like without opiates I cannot endure this life.
At one moment in life I had it all, I'm actually a chemical engineer, got my master's at 26 years old, only worked one year because of the Trigeminal Neuralgia type 2 which took many many MANY doctor visits to the ER and to neurologists and pain doctors to get a final diagnosis. I was half-diagnosed with a lot of shit before that.
Apparently the first line treatment for TN Type 2 is Tegretol, it indeed, does work at stopping the pain. But with my luck, it turns out i'm deeply allergic to it with urticaria bouts, vomiting, headaches and palpitations from it. So I was put on Lyrica and pure codeine 30mg pills for a little while. Then my regular doctor would sometimes prescribe me Hycodan pills which are 5mg hydrocodone and 800mg ibuprofen to take over the Lyrica. I was using many other drugs in the meantime, I wasn't done with partying until I turned about 27 (maybe I should have died there, but I'm not famous enough). In 2008, after never thinking I'd be using opiates in a IV way, I read somewhere that brand name Dilaudid is the safest pill to inject as the binders are not dangerous (lactose, magnesium stearate and that's it). They were only 1mg doses I got from the dentist because he thought my trigeminal neuralgia could also be related to a probable TMJ, which I do have, but on the other side of my face and it doesn't bother very much.
Later I got a connection with constant 4mg dilaudids and OXY IR's 20mg. At first I was more interested with OXY IR's because of the very high oral bioavailability. My god was it wonderful, I completely stopped using Lyrica then. That was 3 years ago, I did everything possible to obtain opiates, purchased poppy pods ground them up and made tea with it that would work wonderfully and strangely not give me serious withdrawals when I was out of it. I succeeded in getting my degree and started to work at a pharmaceutical lab....for 6 months. My TN type 2 had disappeared before that but suddenly came back full strenght.
So I said fuck it, I won't wait a month to get an appointment at the neuro, I purchased a shit-load of opiates, of every variety I could ever conceive. Thankfully, I didn't get crazy withdrawals from that either, because I had only injected 1mg dilaudids before and not often.
But when I realized how easy it was to obtain syringes and safety kits at the hospital, my god did I jump on the oppurtunity to IV dilaudid 4mg. I'm on government welfare for disability due to the TN 2 and I have nothing to spend my money on, living at my mother's house. I started to IV 4 or even 8mg at once, it felt blissful and it made me forget that I had any type of pain or even knew what pain was. I had resumed the lyrica with this habit. But then I got to feel real actual withdrawals when I would run out of money, withdrawal from eating 40mg of oxy a day is nothing like IV'ing 12-16mg of dilaudid a day. These have psychologically marked me. I also feel very weak, i have spasms under my nipple in my chest, I have no idea what they are, they hurt a little, but the heart is in the centre of the chest, I wonder what it could be. I am extremely careful and clean when I IV and nobody knows I actually do that, so I do not use dirty needles.
When I lie down, even not in withdrawal, I feel pitiful, I feel like death is at the corner for me. I feel like doctors are powerless about my condition or that they do not care anymore. My mom has pretty much abandoned all faith in me. She knows I'm smart due to my degree but she doesn't understand the pain I suffer from TN type 2 as it invisible, it's not like a broken arm etc. She told me it was in my head for very long too...well duh IT IS in my head, that's where the nerve is.
So I contacted a detox centre, that offers either suboxone or methadone, it's your choice. They gave me an appointment for my treatment to begin as for the first 5 days you are hospitalized and they run a lot of tests on you to verify your health. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS, a full check up done on me for a while is exactly what I need to be reassured, or if something nefarious is happening, I'd rather know what it is in such a professional setting. Then after 4 days they let you out and you got to pick up your bupe everyday, then after a while you get weekly supplies, then 2 weeks supplies etc. if you comply correctly.
I have no problem with this, but they just called me to say : Go visit your neurologist first, if he prescribed you an opiate medication that you actually need then you won't need to come here and detox. Which I agree with, but I don't want dilaudid. Doctors here prescribe dilaudid before hydrocodone, oxycodone or even codeine because of the low bioavailability and they imagine that'll make it less desirable to abusers...what a bunch of retards, if I can say it that way. I want a non injectable medication, anything, anything stronger than codeine, but which I cannot get blissful rushes from through IV so easily.
Today, Sunday, I have 6 4mg dilaudids left, I don't even want to get high on them anymore, I just want to prevent withdrawals, which is insane, I never thought I'd get there. I wanted to sleep but I kept getting weird heartbeats and chest pains which I know is most likely GERD but it is still scaring the shit out of me. My right hand is full of trackmarks, I sweat buckets (for some reason, I don't know why, I thought starting to use again after 4 days of w/d would make it all better but I decided to only inject 4mg at once to keep the monster at bay y'know). I dunno what to do, i'm afraid I'm about to lose my mind. Not even opiates calm me down, at least not in the amount i'm using right now. I don't want to use needles anymore. I'm sick and through this shit, before I got lucky and scotsfree without much w/d's but this high dose abuse of dilaudid is the craziest thing I ever did and I regret it, so fucking much.
*All I want to know is does anybody have an idea of what I can tell my doc (who prescribed me dilaudid 2mg before for 6 month) that I don't want dilaudid but something else without explaining exactly why ?
*What to do with my remaining Dilaudid. No, I am not buying anymore
*Suboxone therapy is 25 dollars a day while methadone is free. That's fucked up, methadone is a lot harder to get off from than suboxone, i cannot afford a 150 dollars a week suboxone treatment, it's ridiculous. Is methadone really THAT HARD to get off from, is my dilaudid dosage that high or I am freaking myself out ?
*And lastly, wish me the best BL, I was a psychedelic user all my life etc. so I might have a very vivid imagination, but i tried to sleep earlier and i was having visions of hell, and i'm not even withdrawing completely, i'm giving myself half the dose of dillies i used to take!
Thank you if you read this very long and probably incoherent post.
I have trigeminal neuralgia type 2, I'm meeting my neurologist on the 12th to discuss microvascular decompression and obtaining a medicatio better than Lyrica to complete it, not that lyrica is totally useless, more like without opiates I cannot endure this life.
At one moment in life I had it all, I'm actually a chemical engineer, got my master's at 26 years old, only worked one year because of the Trigeminal Neuralgia type 2 which took many many MANY doctor visits to the ER and to neurologists and pain doctors to get a final diagnosis. I was half-diagnosed with a lot of shit before that.
Apparently the first line treatment for TN Type 2 is Tegretol, it indeed, does work at stopping the pain. But with my luck, it turns out i'm deeply allergic to it with urticaria bouts, vomiting, headaches and palpitations from it. So I was put on Lyrica and pure codeine 30mg pills for a little while. Then my regular doctor would sometimes prescribe me Hycodan pills which are 5mg hydrocodone and 800mg ibuprofen to take over the Lyrica. I was using many other drugs in the meantime, I wasn't done with partying until I turned about 27 (maybe I should have died there, but I'm not famous enough). In 2008, after never thinking I'd be using opiates in a IV way, I read somewhere that brand name Dilaudid is the safest pill to inject as the binders are not dangerous (lactose, magnesium stearate and that's it). They were only 1mg doses I got from the dentist because he thought my trigeminal neuralgia could also be related to a probable TMJ, which I do have, but on the other side of my face and it doesn't bother very much.
Later I got a connection with constant 4mg dilaudids and OXY IR's 20mg. At first I was more interested with OXY IR's because of the very high oral bioavailability. My god was it wonderful, I completely stopped using Lyrica then. That was 3 years ago, I did everything possible to obtain opiates, purchased poppy pods ground them up and made tea with it that would work wonderfully and strangely not give me serious withdrawals when I was out of it. I succeeded in getting my degree and started to work at a pharmaceutical lab....for 6 months. My TN type 2 had disappeared before that but suddenly came back full strenght.
So I said fuck it, I won't wait a month to get an appointment at the neuro, I purchased a shit-load of opiates, of every variety I could ever conceive. Thankfully, I didn't get crazy withdrawals from that either, because I had only injected 1mg dilaudids before and not often.
But when I realized how easy it was to obtain syringes and safety kits at the hospital, my god did I jump on the oppurtunity to IV dilaudid 4mg. I'm on government welfare for disability due to the TN 2 and I have nothing to spend my money on, living at my mother's house. I started to IV 4 or even 8mg at once, it felt blissful and it made me forget that I had any type of pain or even knew what pain was. I had resumed the lyrica with this habit. But then I got to feel real actual withdrawals when I would run out of money, withdrawal from eating 40mg of oxy a day is nothing like IV'ing 12-16mg of dilaudid a day. These have psychologically marked me. I also feel very weak, i have spasms under my nipple in my chest, I have no idea what they are, they hurt a little, but the heart is in the centre of the chest, I wonder what it could be. I am extremely careful and clean when I IV and nobody knows I actually do that, so I do not use dirty needles.
When I lie down, even not in withdrawal, I feel pitiful, I feel like death is at the corner for me. I feel like doctors are powerless about my condition or that they do not care anymore. My mom has pretty much abandoned all faith in me. She knows I'm smart due to my degree but she doesn't understand the pain I suffer from TN type 2 as it invisible, it's not like a broken arm etc. She told me it was in my head for very long too...well duh IT IS in my head, that's where the nerve is.
So I contacted a detox centre, that offers either suboxone or methadone, it's your choice. They gave me an appointment for my treatment to begin as for the first 5 days you are hospitalized and they run a lot of tests on you to verify your health. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS, a full check up done on me for a while is exactly what I need to be reassured, or if something nefarious is happening, I'd rather know what it is in such a professional setting. Then after 4 days they let you out and you got to pick up your bupe everyday, then after a while you get weekly supplies, then 2 weeks supplies etc. if you comply correctly.
I have no problem with this, but they just called me to say : Go visit your neurologist first, if he prescribed you an opiate medication that you actually need then you won't need to come here and detox. Which I agree with, but I don't want dilaudid. Doctors here prescribe dilaudid before hydrocodone, oxycodone or even codeine because of the low bioavailability and they imagine that'll make it less desirable to abusers...what a bunch of retards, if I can say it that way. I want a non injectable medication, anything, anything stronger than codeine, but which I cannot get blissful rushes from through IV so easily.
Today, Sunday, I have 6 4mg dilaudids left, I don't even want to get high on them anymore, I just want to prevent withdrawals, which is insane, I never thought I'd get there. I wanted to sleep but I kept getting weird heartbeats and chest pains which I know is most likely GERD but it is still scaring the shit out of me. My right hand is full of trackmarks, I sweat buckets (for some reason, I don't know why, I thought starting to use again after 4 days of w/d would make it all better but I decided to only inject 4mg at once to keep the monster at bay y'know). I dunno what to do, i'm afraid I'm about to lose my mind. Not even opiates calm me down, at least not in the amount i'm using right now. I don't want to use needles anymore. I'm sick and through this shit, before I got lucky and scotsfree without much w/d's but this high dose abuse of dilaudid is the craziest thing I ever did and I regret it, so fucking much.
*All I want to know is does anybody have an idea of what I can tell my doc (who prescribed me dilaudid 2mg before for 6 month) that I don't want dilaudid but something else without explaining exactly why ?
*What to do with my remaining Dilaudid. No, I am not buying anymore
*Suboxone therapy is 25 dollars a day while methadone is free. That's fucked up, methadone is a lot harder to get off from than suboxone, i cannot afford a 150 dollars a week suboxone treatment, it's ridiculous. Is methadone really THAT HARD to get off from, is my dilaudid dosage that high or I am freaking myself out ?
*And lastly, wish me the best BL, I was a psychedelic user all my life etc. so I might have a very vivid imagination, but i tried to sleep earlier and i was having visions of hell, and i'm not even withdrawing completely, i'm giving myself half the dose of dillies i used to take!
Thank you if you read this very long and probably incoherent post.
