Upset with myself

[m_206s]

I'm sitting here outside by myself as usual.. I take 150mg Zoloft daily for my depression.. I abuse my clonazepam script .. I just blew one five mins ago and my nose is on fire but the drip is decent.. Not like smack or yayo though.. I'm just upset cuz I thought I was over this phase and now it's coming back cuz I feel like shit about myself.. 19 years old, works part time making 10 bucks an hour, I have a gf who's always bringing up my drug past and doesn't know I'm on pins again.. She's pissed atm and hasn't spoken to me all day for other reasons.. I have thought of suicide PLENTY of times lemme tell ya but I love life.. I love the little things but my bipolar ism is out of control ... Maniac one sec and saint the next .. Idk man.. Everyone's at college and partying and socializing and getting drunk and high and I'm here snorting pills depressed and don't know wtf I'm gonna do with my life.. Although I am gonna take ems courses soon or trade school like hvac idk yet.. And on top of that I caved in and just bought a pack of marb 72s and chain smoked 7 in the last 10 minutes .. It's ridiculous .. Sorry to rant right now but I'm just stressed money wise and court issues which I'm waiting to hear back from taking fucking forever fuck the DA .. And I smoked a blunt an hour ago to lol so I'm feelin pretty good and it have a tramadol hangover on top of it lol

 

[wanting]

I had many of the same thoughts when I was your age. I'm decades older now, and perspective clears with distance. I know that doesn't help you now, but please know that yes, your problems are unique...but no, they aren't insurmountable. The easy advice to give (easy because I'm not you) is: 1) make sure your doc has you on the right meds for your bipolar. It sounds like they aren't working properly. 2) Come clean with your gf--she probably suspects, and it's making her upset with you in other ways. Having a supportive person is critical both for recovery and for the day-to-day of dealing with bipolar illness. The rest of it will work itself out in one way or another, and then you'll have some choices to make. Nineteen is so young that you truly have your whole life ahead of you. But trust me, it's gone in a flash. Be patient...be honest...and continue to love life more than the thought of suicide.

 

[herbavore]

Sounds like you need a vision and then strategies. Who do you want to be? What is stopping you? Your own mind? Your circumstances? What one small thing can you change today? Life moves a lot smoother when you make small, manageable changes that you can build on. Having court worries definitely makes things worse. Sorry that you are having to go through all this but you can build it back slowly. Just keep hold of your focus and hang in there.

 

[m_206s]

Thank you for the support

 

[Freon]

You're just young and feeling a little lost right now, you remind me of myself at that age except I was shooting heroin and smoking meth and crack all day. Not trying to sound badass haha just saying you could be a in a lot worse situations than you already are in. 150mg of zoloft is lot I remember being on 50mg a day years ago and feeling shitty side effects all the time just from that. if your GF is causing you too much trouble, fuck her get rid of her. If you really love her and shit thats one thing but being in a relationship can be too much trouble when you need to work on yourself. Take those courses, you wont regret it. I took college courses after being kicked out of school in 11th grade and spending over a year in jail and now I got a stable job and no legal problems.....still use drugs but who gives a fuck when you got money? lol

 

[m_206s]

You're just young and feeling a little lost right now, you remind me of myself at that age except I was shooting heroin and smoking meth and crack all day. Not trying to sound badass haha just saying you could be a in a lot worse situations than you already are in. 150mg of zoloft is lot I remember being on 50mg a day years ago and feeling shitty side effects all the time just from that. if your GF is causing you too much trouble, fuck her get rid of her. If you really love her and shit thats one thing but being in a relationship can be too much trouble when you need to work on yourself. Take those courses, you wont regret it. I took college courses after being kicked out of school in 11th grade and spending over a year in jail and now I got a stable job and no legal problems.....still use drugs but who gives a fuck when you got money? lol

Haha I agree with you my friend thanks for the insight but my girl is my world she puts up with my shit.. Every relationship has their struggles and fights lol .. I over exaggerated a bit.. She's my everything and without her I wouldn't be as happy and motivated as I am today.. She keeps me going and feeling alive although I'm a mentally strong person by myself. But yeah I never booted .. Buddy tried to get me to right after we just blew a 40 bag each.. I was like nah honestly I don't wanna ruin my life just get high.. But yeah that phase was a nightmare my dude glad I beat it and learned a Lesson at my young age of 19.