updateeee

So I talked to my mom last Saturday and told her how bad I've really been feeling, which at that time was suicidal. I almost took a trip to the ER to check myself in. She stayed on the phone with me for hours and I finally feel for the first time in my life really connected to her. She's been calling me every day since to make sure I'm alright. My parents decided that they're going to come here for a couple hours tomorrow (they're going on vacation a couple hours away), then come back next weekend for a little longer, then come back again in a couple weeks to pick me up and then drive to Minnesota for my cousin's wedding. They also paid for a plane ticket for me to go there in September. It feels good to know that they really do care, but I could see myself getting kind of smothered by them soon. I hang out with people like a couple times a year (including family), this could become overwhelming to me. I feel bad about that. I want to feel happy that my relationship with them seems to be improving and I don't want to go back to the way things were before. This is the most contact I've had with them in ten years really.

I'm tapering off of citalopram and am going to start Cymbalta in a week. I hope SNRIs will be better than SSRIs for me. I'm also going to start DBT along with the CBT. I'm starting to look into going back to school for the spring semester of 2010.

Things seem like they're finally looking up, but why do I still feel so awful? I know that I need more friends around here (well, any actually), but I have no idea how to go about doing that. I got a 1 day suspension for work for missing so many days and I really don't like leaving my apartment much. I'm kind of scared I'm going to be like this forever.

At this point I don't even care about being happy anymore, I just don't want to be so unhappy and fucking emo.

 

Tell me about it. Treatment was the best thing for me, no matter how I got it. Stick to it and you'll come out good.

 

Spork-
I wish you lived near me.....
I know we would totally get along
I am the same way- Other than my husband I really don't like being around people much.
I am so afraid of our vacation coming up (seeing my family, which i am excited about but scared)
I keep thinking - 10 days?!?!?! What was I thinking?!?! haha
It seems like such a long time to be around people but it has been four years.....
so I will just try to enjoy it if you do
As far as finding friends-
Do you have any interests? Something you can do on your own? If you go out and do things alone that you like- people doing the same thing maythings in common......
Like if you love art, go to a museum- you may meet others who love art.
If you like knitting (or want to learn) find a knitting or crocheting class at a college or some coffee shops (I know you had expressed interest in this in the past)......
And I agree with New- stick with your plan........
Things will work out-
You are already making some progress!!
You opened up to your mom
All the best for you.........
(and you need to move to my area and we can be hermit friends crocheting together)

 

^ Great advice. I've found that yoga helped a bit, but it's not really conducive for chatting with people. A knitting class sounds pretty ideal, if that's something that you're interested in.

I remember going back to school after taking a (forced) year off. I'm glad that I went, but the manner of my return was... less than ideal. It was a reason to leave the house though, and I've got a pretty good career from it, so it wasn't all bad. What would you be taking in school?

Regardless, I'm glad to see that there's a bit of sun on your horizon spork. Family is so important, but at the same time a balance needs to be kept so that one can still remain independent. It's wonderful that your parents are so supportive though!

I can't say that I've heard of DBT, what does it entail? CBT is a lot of work, but it does a great deal of good as well.

Glad to hear from you spork, keep us all posted on how things go.

 

I've actually been keeping an eye out for knitting classes, but they're all when I have to work. I'm thinking of just seeing if someone wants to exchange knitting lessons for some dog walks or something. Just getting out of my apartment helps, but it takes soooo much for me to do that. My motivation is completely shot and even when I do get out I have a very difficult time talking to anyone even if they start a conversation with me.

ocean, I know we'd get along fabulously, you really seem to understand! I have relatives in your area and I'll definitely have to let you know next time I go there and we could at least hang out for a bit!

Dave, I want to study sociology. I'm not sure what exactly I'd do with it, but I know I'd enjoy learning more about it and just being back in school in general. DBT is a type of CBT in a group setting. Here's the Wiki for it. I've still been learning more about it really. It seems like it could be pretty intense.

I had dinner with my parents tonight. It was good to see them again, even though it was brief and they brought lots of goodies with them. I now have a TON of fresh veggies from my mom's/aunt's garden and a bunch of zucchini muffins and potato pancakes made by another aunt.

My mood changes so easily. Part of me feels loved and hopeful that things are going to get better soon but a more cynical part just says that my hopes are getting up for nothing and I'm just sort of waiting for the disappointment to come.

 

^Oh!! It would be GREAT if we could meet up one day!
Let me know next time you get out here, for sure! :D

Fresh veggies= yummy!
Baked goods from family= AWESOME!!
I love zucchini and I love potato pancakes mmmmmmmmmm...........

Allow yourself to be hopeful.......
Its good to look forward