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Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
692
Location
Heaven
I made a post at the beginning of May about how I was trying to quit blues and was withdrawing. It was a $150-$300 a day habit. Well, I'm completely clean now, and haven't touched oxy since. I also stated that I had just moved to a new town with no friends and nothing to do, and about to be on 2 years state probation and 2 years without a license. Well, I have a job now, I get about 30 hours a week and I work with a bunch of kids my age. I am on probation now, but it's ok cause I can easily pay it since my habit has abated, and since I have a job. I'm meeting new people at this job which is cool, and we're all somewhat like minded. I've started drinking quite a bit, because ever since I quit blues I've had horrible insomnia, even 4 weeks later, and it helps me sleep.

something bad is happening though, at the same time. I have a dangerous and debilitating personality disorder (that has gotten me in plenty of trouble) that is emerging stronger than ever. Yes, I've been diagnosed, and am quite impartial to it. I'm not worried though, since I have been keeping myself in line and haven't been doing anything spontaneous or stupid. I treat my intense boredom by playing Diablo 3, drinking, and working. If I had nothing to treat my boredom, I'd be doing some dumb shit without thinking of the consequences. I've been keeping myself in line and that's good.
There is no treatment for my problem, if it even is a problem.. But it is becoming quite disturbing based on the laymans point of view, I'm quite okay with it though.
 
I don't know how good it is to replace opiates with alcohol, but congratulations on all the changes you've made.
Do you have any ways of passing time that aren't destructive to replace drinking with? BL can be a good way for me to waste way the time, but that's just me.
Keep it up.
 
Well, my drinking isn't destructive. I usually just come home from work at night, slam a 4 rack a steel reserve (8.1% ), and fall asleep. Without drinking, I would not be able to sleep. Like I said, I have had crazy insomnia since I quit blues almost a month ago. I'm also highly functioning, so I see no problem with drinking.
 
Glad to hear you're clean, make sure you never turn around and go back. I've gotten clean and gone back many times and every time I could kick myself in the ass (I'm on day 2 again now as I type this) - also be aware that a lot of addicts will trade 1 habit for another. I had problems sleeping so I started drinking as well. It led to getting hammered at pubs around my way. Then it switched to marijuana to help me sleep since I knew the alcohol was destructive. You are in essence, replacing part of your addiction with another chemical, and justifying it in 2 ways -- 1) It's not as bad as the drug I was on before ---and--- 2) It's only to <Insert reasoning here> (obviously for you it's to help sleep, which I understand) - what you need to do is go see a doctor and tell them whatever the reasoning is behind your insomnia (Mine is always anxiety) it can be corrected with a doctor and his prescription of medication. I applaud you for getting clean, really, but getting clean doesn't mean just quitting opiates, it also means not replacing it as well. I do the same thing so don't think I'm coming down on you...

Just think about it. Start seeing a doctor and see if he can't help you out with a script. Glad to hear you got yourself right. Now make sure you work on the alcohol and keep it for social settings. Not at home by yourself to get to sleep.
 
Yeah well, I'm on probation, and I have a highly addictive personality. And trust me, I know my drugs, I've done them all. I know the dangerous from the un dangerous. If weed was legal, then yeah I'd be smoking every night, but sadly I can't right now.

I'm the type of person that doesn't know what makes social situations tick. I don't understand normal human emotions. I have to be on something, to help me understand people, and to help me be more humane and inspire at least slight empathy.

I would so be down to smoke weed every night when I got home from work, but sadly I'm on probation and I can't take anything illicit. The only thing I can alter my conscience with is alcohol. Trust me, my normal state of mind is violent, brutal, and cruel. I have to be in a different state of mind than my innate, it's just something that has to be done for my own well being and for the good of this cities community. If I wasn't partaking in mind altering chemicals I'd honestly probably start killing people. My drinking isn't even a problem... I only drink when I'm out or when I come home after work... what's so bad about that... I'm just glad to be off opiates. At least with alcohol I can go several days without drinking and not think twice.... whatever...

Also, I'm not weak or dumb enough to go back to blues. What's done is done and what's over is over, and I haven't even thought about looking back.
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
I would so be down to smoke weed every night when I got home from work, but sadly I'm on probation and I can't take anything illicit. The only thing I can alter my conscience with is alcohol. Trust me, my normal state of mind is violent, brutal, and cruel. I have to be in a different state of mind than my innate, it's just something that has to be done for my own well being and for the good of this cities community. If I wasn't partaking in mind altering chemicals I'd honestly probably start killing people. My drinking isn't even a problem... I only drink when I'm out or when I come home after work... what's so bad about that... I'm just glad to be off opiates. At least with alcohol I can go several days without drinking and not think twice.... whatever...

Also, I'm not weak or dumb enough to go back to blues. What's done is done and what's over is over, and I haven't even thought about looking back.
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Don't get me wrong again, I completely understand what you are saying. All I'm trying to tell you is, is that often heroin/roxy/oxy addicts specifically trade their opiate addiction for a different drug or substance. While I understand you need something to calm your nerves, you are basically trading opiates for alcohol, albeit on a slightly lower level. Just keep in mind while on probation, if you visit a psychiatrist and get a prescription for xanax, klonopin, valium, any CNS depressent/benzo/tranquilizer, is perfectly legal for you to take and piss dirty for on a probation piss test since you have a prescription for it. Also keep in mind if you drink the night before a probation piss test they can (And often will) fail you for alcohol in your blood. After 24-36 hours alcohol turns to carbs & sugar so often hard to pull on a normal 5/7/10 panel drug test. I understand your reasoning, all I'm saying is that I (along with many others) have justified the use of other substances since they are not as harmful or illegal or addicting as opiates. Just don't end up doing that to yourself.

Again with a script from a doctor for a script of xanax (as well as maybe an anti-psychotic or anti-depressant since you very much sound like me, and that's definitely what I need) you will not only be able to balance your mood, but the xanax will calm you and take away your cravings for opiates.

Also I applaud you for quitting opiates, I'm sorry if it came off otherwise. I've been through it many times and understand how hard the struggle is to get clean and do the right thing. Please do not mistake my advice & criticism for scorning, insults, or slander of what you are doing to cope with day to day life. I completely understand and I am in your shoes more so than you think.

Just trying to give you some helpful advice. Take it as you will, but I'm looking out for your mental well being as well as hopefully an outlet (legally) where you can still keep your mind intact as well as following the guidelines of your probation.

Be safe, and let me know if I can do anything to help. Again realize I've had many rodeos with getting clean and lassoing my addiction. I've been through it all and tried it all. I can offer more insight and advice than most as to what does and doesn't work.

Good Luck.
 
Well, my mood is quite in check and balanced, and I'm not psychotic, though I know antipsychotics can calm a person. I don't even think I'm close to being mentally ill, I'm just different. I'm confident in myself, and I feel great. I feel superior. Basically I need to be able to be around people and tolerate them, without frustration and hate. When I'm at work, it's all an act. I fake everything, from laughter to expression, to appear normal. While on the inside, I feel quite different. I feel annoyance and slight disgust. Alcohol can quell this in extracurricular social activities, but not in the work place.. since I will not risk going to work drunk. Going to work can be psychologically exhausting.. I can only fake who I am for so long, and I get tired of it. I'm not like everyone else, and if I acted like the real me, then everybody would think I was sick. I'm quite in touch with reality, more so than others. I'm not sick.. I'm just different. I'm very practical and observant. I can mold to other peoples expectations, easily. It's not hard for me to be the person that everyone likes, it's just exhausting, cause it's not me being myself. Boy, I wish I could be myself, but it's just not acceptable. Like I said, I'd probably start killing people if I didn't have a substance to inspire some sort of relation to other humans.
 
Taking anti-psychotics doesn't mean you are "Mentally ill" or "Psychotic" they often are used for people with bipolar or severe, aggressive, and/or disturbing thoughts. Which you definitely fit in.

Please understand I'm not insulting you, I'm just trying to help. Good luck with whatever you decide, and we are always here to help.
 
I'm not bipolar or mentally ill. I've been vague, I know.. but I guess I'll go ahead and spit it out. I have anti social personality disorder. Sociopathy. It's far from treatable. Although, I feel like a script to benzos could keep me in check, and could keep me from drinking. I just have homicidal thoughts and urges that are very hard to live with in a sober state of mind. Therefore, I must be under the influence of some sort of substance to dull this. Cause trust me, I don't want to end up in prison. I really do want to live a normal life, and I'm trying. Many people with ASPD are substance abusers, and for this very reason.
 
You aren't alone by far (alot of BL'ers actually suffer from ASPD) and that's why I think seeing a psychiatrist can help you immensely. They can not only diagnose your exact problems, but prescribe you things to help you live life normally, in enclosed and social settings. I assumed you were slightly anti-social, I'm surprised you don't have anxiety to go along with it (as a lot of others do) That being said, and you even agreed, xanax or benzo's might be a great solution to your problem. Many people have talked about the success of xanax's use in social settings and helping to ease ASPD. While I don't believe it is the "Be-all" "End-all" for ASPD patients/sufferers it is obviously a very common starting point.

I'm just here to help, I don't want you to feel you need to spit anything out. I just want to see what's best for you (minimizing any parental interjections you might feel from that line) and just trying to see what would be best. Just take the time to contemplate seeing a psychiatrist. I was Mr. Tough-Ass and never saw one till about 6 months ago. They explained a lot to me and explained why I feel the anger that I do. I won't go into my personal life, but I'll say my life has been far from easy.

I just don't want to see you be a blackhole and suck up all the negativity and end up 1 day spitting it all in the form of an explosive confrontation or worse. I'm not saying you are mentally ill, but even the best of us have our little mental quirks that make us who we are. Just be safe and take time to think about it. Obviously no one can force you to do anything, but from someone who has suffered from anxiety/depression/bi-polar, you never think you need help till you get it and realize that you were misleading yourself all along (and I'm not saying that you are)

I hope in here in these long lengthy paragraphs you get something useful from what I've said. My PM box is always open if you need to talk (I'm no therapist, but I can be for sure a great advice giver) and I hope that all works out for you. Please be safe, and just think of maybe getting a professionals opinion or an opinion of someone older/wiser who has maybe been around the block once or twice. I'm not saying that I'm right, I'm saying that maybe you can't do this on your own as you'd like to think. I know I can't.

Best of luck bud.
 
I had an insane amount of anxiety while I was growing through my high school years. That's when I was coming into adult hood and social interaction became a big thing. I was "socially retarded" at that point in time, as I had no idea how to understand people. I was quiet and distanced then, and I had huge anxiety with social situations.

I'm about 3 years out of highschool now, and I have gotten completely used to social interactions. I still can't really read people, but I now have a sense of confidence and a bit of a "life is pointless, why should i care what other people think" outlook. I'm really good socially now, so my anxiety has abated.

I used to have scripts to xanax and klonpin in highschool, and I had even tried zyprexa which is an anti psychotic. It's just that once I found out it was for psychotic people as well, I took it as an insult and haven't tried getting prescriptions since. And my father is psychopathic, and he would psychologically torment me about my prescriptions. Telling me I had something wrong with me (to put it mildly), and would just degrade me, saying I was weak for using them as a crutch. That made me quite bitter towards psyological prescription relief.

I'll think about getting anti anxiety meds again, I'm sure they will help me tolerate people better.
 
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Eyes On the Roll said:
I'm not bipolar or mentally ill. I've been vague, I know.. but I guess I'll go ahead and spit it out. I have anti social personality disorder. Sociopathy. It's far from treatable. Although, I feel like a script to benzos could keep me in check, and could keep me from drinking. I just have homicidal thoughts and urges that are very hard to live with in a sober state of mind. Therefore, I must be under the influence of some sort of substance to dull this. Cause trust me, I don't want to end up in prison. I really do want to live a normal life, and I'm trying. Many people with ASPD are substance abusers, and for this very reason.
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Benzos are the worst thing for you because they are disinhibiting (less likely to be able to control your urges). There are other medications that can be used to help with anxiety that are not addictive and disinhibitng.

Have you tried CBT? Or exercise?
 
From another individual with ASPD:

"The best thing to do to avoid violent/homicidal ideation is to stay busy or mentally occupied. I exercise everyday, play and record music, research and read, among other things. Ideation often starts when I am already irritated, usually about nothing. I am recently doing experiments with the different types of foods I eat. Processed foods like crackers, white bread, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, genetically modified foods and fast food make me uber irritable, so I avoid them now. I don't drink anymore or do drugs. I even quit smoking a few years ago. The more connected I am with my physical existence, the more control I have over myself."
 
You sound a lot like me EotR. I kicked a nasty heroin habit back in January and am on drug court as of the end of march (no drugs OR alcohol, EtG testing). Lately I've been playing the hell out of D3, keeps my mind occupied at least for now. As for the sleep thing, when anti-psychotics/anti-depressants were mentioned, it may have pertained to atypical antipsychotics such as seroquel at low doses (~50mg) which provide a nice sedating effect without fucking with brain chemistry too much. Also tricyclic antidepressants such as elavil and trazodone work nicely as well. Could also go the sedating antihistamine route with hydroxizine (vistaril), diphenhydramine (benedryl), or mirtazapine (remeron). These tend to work pretty nicely as well with minimal side effects. And if that isn't your cup of joe (or cup of "slow" since we are talking about sedatives), can always go the supplement route with valerian root and melatonin. Valerian root has effects similar to benzos in that the method of action is believed to be on GABA-A receptors in the brain, yet does not cause tolerance or dependance over long term use. I battled insomnia since I was about 9 years old, first alcohol helped, then marijuana, then opioids/opiates. Now for me I use a combo of benedryl, melatonin, and Valerian root. Works pretty nice for me.
For the optimal sleep here's what I recommend: 1. wake up at the SAME TIME every day. 2. Eat 3 meals at the SAME TIME everyday, dinner should be the smallest meal, try to make it heavy in protein as protein demands more energy to digest thus causing fatigue. 4. Engage in some kind of physical fitness whether it's wait training (take advantage of your rebounding testosterone levels from getting off opioids/opiates) or cardio training. It will release endorphins as well which I find to be rather enjoyable and relaxing when done with my weight routines. 5. Minimize physical activity and bright lights for about 2 hours before you go to sleep. 6. Take your non-probation-violating substances (for me DPH, valerian root, and melatonin) about an hour before you go to sleep. 7. Go to bed at the SAME TIME everynight, even if you just lay there. You need to get your body on a regular sleep schedule and eventually you will. 8. (Optional) Engage in sexual activity about half hour before going to sleep (either on your own or with a partner) as the endorphin release can relieve any leftover tension/anxiety and help ease you into a goodnight's sleep. Hope some of this could be of assistance, I'm off to bed now.

P.S.~ Having no license fucking blows, I'm eligible to get mine back October 10 of this year but I highly doubt I will, Illinois fucking blows. Also my battletag is diamorphine#1465 if you wanna add me
 
Alright thanks for the advice, next time i get on d3 ill add you. I haven't had much time lately cause I've been working like a damn slave. What's baffling to me is that as much physical exhaustion I experience I still find it hard to sleep.
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
Alright thanks for the advice, next time i get on d3 ill add you. I haven't had much time lately cause I've been working like a damn slave. What's baffling to me is that as much physical exhaustion I experience I still find it hard to sleep.
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Stress. Find a way to burn it off, even if it's just thirty minutes in the gym before work. Working out before work will make you much more tolerant of the anxiety associated with your job, giving you a better frame of mind.
 
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