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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Update on opiate journey..........

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jake99

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Well I decided to post an update since Ive been posting in TDS for awhile and have gotten lots of help from fellow dark siders.........Although I have not been able to get clean for a long time now , I am hanging in and trying to just stick with methadone (subs didnt work for me)
I am not on the clinic because they wont take me since I'm on Klonopin but i usually take about 20-30 mg a day of methadone. My problem Still is staying away from dope.............
I felt fine with the meth for a week or 2 then i guess got bored or got money and ended up doin dope for a week or so on top of the meth , then when last 2 days when i went back to just the meth i still felt sick........so today was day 3 and ended up gettin a few bags............
Now i know that many ppl on here think i do not have the DESIRE to get clean which is not true. I really wish i could..........And ppl think i have not tried which is not true at alll, I still attend n.a. a lot, i guess i just don't work hard enough at it , and when it comes to getting sick , i am a pussy and can't handle it . Now i know what i should do would be go to detox/rehab (tried to get into a detox recently , they wouldnt accept me ) but my whole issue is that I am close to getting a degree in college which i have never done , i just got a new job , and my family would cut me off for good if they knew the whole truth..........Anyway , hoping i can just stick with the meth and try weaning , Its just after it been so long that i cant seem to stay away from the H , i dont know what to think anymore.....Well hope TDS mods arent mad i posted an update, (i was asked to not post for a week before because my threads were causing controversy) . I also have been in a real dysfunctional relationship last few weeks but i decided to end it finally because it was just draggin me down even more, dope or no dope.............Anyway , please throw in any feedback you have, whether you still think im just her complaining or whether you still think i have a chance to have a good life............
Peace
 
hope so , its nuts , i think although i for sure have the phsyical addiction a good part of how sick i feel is mental..........because just knowing i have money or an opiate can make me feel way less sick, even before i actaully use it, and on other hand knowing i have no money or i am running out of opiates can make me feel wayyyyyyyyyyyy sicker, than if i just had no opiates but knew i had money to get more . anyone RElate ?
 
Yup, noticed this for years.. even tho there's a level of sickness, like say after doing 50 blows or so in 2-3 days, even when you got the loot and your on the ride there its still not fast enougth..
 
jake99 said:
hope so , its nuts , i think although i for sure have the phsyical addiction a good part of how sick i feel is mental..........because just knowing i have money or an opiate can make me feel way less sick, even before i actaully use it, and on other hand knowing i have no money or i am running out of opiates can make me feel wayyyyyyyyyyyy sicker, than if i just had no opiates but knew i had money to get more . anyone RElate ?
Click to expand...

For sure. I'd say 80% of it's mental. Like if I am really sick, then score, I stop withdrawing before I've had the hit. And if I am scoring and I turn up at my dealers and he says he's sold out, I go into withdrawal, even though it's impossible for me to do this as I'd had a hit a few hours before.

You say subs didn't work for you, but you didn't give it long enough for you to adjust. It takes 2 - 3 days of daily dosing till they hold you properly.
 
nah i made it like 17 days on subs before without touching H and relapsed again after that. i was only takking about 2 mg a day though ............i was seeing a sub dr. but when i got 60 of them it was just too many and u know what we do with them when we have all those extras , and then what we do once we get rid of them..............was too easy
 
I was kinda hoping he'd post a new thread and I already like this one better.

EVEN THOUGH you are not clean I am sensing you are much more accepting of your addiction in general. Its hard to explain but you are just addressing certain things you never did before, and I genuinely DO believe you want to get clean.
I think this is actually the first part or something, "acceptance" maybe. You gotta accept how strong the addiction really is, before you understand how much strength/will power it will take to conquer it.
And it sounds like you are somewhat at that point. You realize how hard this shit really is, but at the same time you're accepting it, and realizing life still goes on. It doesn't have to be "bad", its really our overall behavoir that determines our lives... not our drug addictions. Thats why now I focus much more on my behavoir, like going to be early, getting assignments done early, working enough hours every week, keeping my drug addiction within means I can actually afford (much easier said than done)... all this stuff really plays into making you feel more "stable" in general. And the more stable I feel the less I feel like I absolutely need drugs.

..maybe one day I'll be clean too lol
 
Jake,I started going to meetings almost thirty years ago.I would get a week clean,maybe two months but could not maintain being clean.It took 25 years to get 5 1/2 months and that didn't last.I had a lot of shame and also got a lot of shame from members.I don't go to meetings anymore because they make me feel worse.

I don't shoot dope anymore but I'm on Suboxone and Xanax.Legal drugs that I can't get busted for.I think it is crazy that the government pays for me to do these drugs but will lock me up for the others.

I have read quite a few of your posts and can identify with them.You sound like me years ago.I heard "You have to want it" and I did.The human mind is complicated.You can''t magically want it more then you do.If so,then most junkies wouldn't die.I know the vast majority of my friends that ODed,wanted to stop years before,they just couldn't.

The way I judge my own "Recovery" is different from AA/NA.I try and use less and not as frequently.

I was diagnosed bipolar in my last rehab.I,personally think that anyone that can't stop is mentally ill.

Almost all of what we humans do is to sustain our lives.Addiction is one of the few things that goes against that.Why else would we shoot or sniff a bag of drugs that a complete stranger says is good.
 
Bojangles69 said:
I was kinda hoping he'd post a new thread and I already like this one better.

EVEN THOUGH you are not clean I am sensing you are much more accepting of your addiction in general. Its hard to explain but you are just addressing certain things you never did before, and I genuinely DO believe you want to get clean.
I think this is actually the first part or something, "acceptance" maybe. You gotta accept how strong the addiction really is, before you understand how much strength/will power it will take to conquer it.
And it sounds like you are somewhat at that point. You realize how hard this shit really is, but at the same time you're accepting it, and realizing life still goes on. It doesn't have to be "bad", its really our overall behavoir that determines our lives... not our drug addictions. Thats why now I focus much more on my behavoir, like going to be early, getting assignments done early, working enough hours every week, keeping my drug addiction within means I can actually afford (much easier said than done)... all this stuff really plays into making you feel more "stable" in general. And the more stable I feel the less I feel like I absolutely need drugs.

..maybe one day I'll be clean too lol
Click to expand...

Bo, you too will get clean someday but I suspect you will write a best selling book about it and become an addiction specialist :) Both you and Jake are like the kids that need to take everything apart and then put it back together again. Those kids wind up at MIT or at the least successful in their fields. You guys are just about taking apart the addiction thing. Both you and Jake are finding the way it works. I hope that both of you come out of this and are able to look back and say "what the fuck" :)
 
I still miss those days of using, kinda. Occasionally I will get an urge to just say fuck it and go score some dope but I haven't acted on it. Part of it is just the excitement I would get from process of scoring and the ritualized behavior of getting high. That took me many, many years to break out of that part of the mental obsession. I used to be plagued by those thoughts, 20-30-40 times a day, eventually I would cave.

Just the complete obliteration of my senses, feelings, thoughts, etc. There is something about that lifestyle that is comforting. It is SO easy to just disappear from life and use dope. What I try to tell myself now is that it is just to easy to use dope/pills/whatever and that good things come from hard work. Staying clean is hard that is for sure but it has gotten so much easier to disregard those thoughts.

I have only used heroin a handful of times in the last 5 years but I used daily for many years and just wasted sooo much of my life in a opiate stupor and it is obviously still effecting me but what can I really do? I guess just dont act on those thoughts. I dont know.

peace.
seedless
 
Wow this thread is way better even though im still not clean...........I accept im an opiate addict , and i NEED to stop the heroin before it gets me dead in jail or on streets. BUt at same time even with Methadone i take every day , I still am getting those terrible urges. Like today i was ready to ask my dad for 100 buks and lie just to get the money to say its to see my shrink (which woulda caught up to me later on ) but my friend called and we went to beach instead. Of course i was still kinda sick today because i was on just the meth 2 days then messed up and did few bags yesterday so its like i start all over every time i do dope on top of the meth.........i KNOW i could feel ok with just the meth , i just get the OBSESSIOn to use and if i have the money , which i dont luckilly , its too easy to take the ride and cop. Anyway i just want a normal life and never want to go back to jail and i know eventually dope will lead me back ...........maybe in a day , maybe in years, its like playin russian roulette.......who knows when the cops are gonna roll up on you in the hood when your coppin , you feel safe after you do it 99 times and are ok but the 100th time i might be locked in a cell , lose my family , and do a LOT of prision time since ive done 2 bids already
 
Just keep at it jake. You WANT to be clean, so somehow someday you will make it happen. You just have to keep going <3
 
jake99 said:
Wow this thread is way better even though im still not clean...........I accept im an opiate addict , and i NEED to stop the heroin before it gets me dead in jail or on streets. BUt at same time even with Methadone i take every day , I still am getting those terrible urges. Like today i was ready to ask my dad for 100 buks and lie just to get the money to say its to see my shrink (which woulda caught up to me later on ) but my friend called and we went to beach instead. Of course i was still kinda sick today because i was on just the meth 2 days then messed up and did few bags yesterday so its like i start all over every time i do dope on top of the meth.........i KNOW i could feel ok with just the meth , i just get the OBSESSIOn to use and if i have the money , which i dont luckilly , its too easy to take the ride and cop. Anyway i just want a normal life and never want to go back to jail and i know eventually dope will lead me back ...........maybe in a day , maybe in years, its like playin russian roulette.......who knows when the cops are gonna roll up on you in the hood when your coppin , you feel safe after you do it 99 times and are ok but the 100th time i might be locked in a cell , lose my family , and do a LOT of prision time since ive done 2 bids already
Click to expand...

I used on top of my methadone pretty much every day in 2 years. It just became stupid really, I wasn't stable at all. I would sometimes have my 70ml and still be sick if I had to wait a while to score or couldnt get the money together or whatever. It was just utterly pointless. It made me have to spend more money on heroin as I had a much higher tolerance. And so so so much harder to get off in the long run.

This is why I'm saying it's all about subutex. Can't you get it from a clinic where you have to dose in front of them?

Good luck mate!
 
states laws very,but i know in ohio if you show up at a drug center f%&^ed up they have to treat you(detox),if they sent you away and something bad happens they are liable.hope this helps
 
^ is this a state run detox / rehab facility ? Otherwise that law doesn't add up brother - On every methadone clinic / sub clinic I was at .. no matter the name it ended in INC.

They love making money on you. Best of luck on kicking opies - it's something I accepted I will live with for ever , it's not a great thought , but each day I don't use is a better day.

Change your life - start something completely foreign to you, be it a hobby , groups , 1on1 therapy... I'm just shootin ideas. It takes a LOT - and then you have to deal with PAWS - fun times. You got it if you want it , simple as that boss.
 
6 years of opies , 2 years on 80s, 1 year on dope, 2 years on methadone, 1 year on roxis.

This year - clean. Do I want to use everyday ? nope PAWS isn't like that - what it is like for me though.... when I do want to use, forget it. I call up chica, i fuckin head to my trainers house, anything. If i sit on it for more than 10 seconds I will start remembering #s. It's really not something I would wish on anyone. Except people I don't like :D ? lol jk :)
 
jake99 said:
PAWS Suck . i wonder how ppl get through them
Click to expand...

see the thing is you pretty much have to deal with them

the choices are

a.) accept it, deal with the PAWS and get it over with

b.) keep using. be somewhat content for the short term but long-term you will lose countless amounts of money, and have to deal with the inherent risks of dope -- jail etc

Unless you are going to be a lifelong junkie paws are inevitable. I decided it was best to get them over with now so I can at least enjoy what is left of my life
 
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