Up In a Methadone Weed Cigs and Sugar Haze

[ANON121]

Hi everyone I just wanted to write about some of the things ive been going through because I have been dealing with it on my own for so long. I just felt like reaching out cuz god knows i cant do it all on my own. Im a heroin addict, free from h for 6 months now. I been on methadone for almost four years. I am currently on 1 mg.

My real problem is how little energy I have everyday, my sleeping schedule my body and my mind are completely out of whack. Often I wake up in a haze, turn on my computer first thing in the morning and just lay there. I have no energy when I wake up and to make things worse I smoke weed the first chance I can get because I just cant face the day. I get so anxious when I dont smoke.

The thing is, I love life. I dont want to just waste away like so many people I know are. I dont want to be sick from now until I die. Im just so lost. I really lost all my life skills from doing heroin. It taught me the worst habits and ways of living life and now I don't know how to get it back without the support of a community, which I wish I was apart of. Instead I seem to be in the land of the forgotten. I live in a very ghetto apartment building where people sell crack on my floor and people drop dead on a monthly basis. The whole area I live in is full of crazy people. Most crazy part of the city. Literally.

I'm trying to push through, but I really feel so completely overwhelemed by the sheer number of my addictions and the fact that I dont have community to learn on. They seem to work together making it very difficult for me to get out.

I really want to just get off this methadone shit. I just went to 1mg a week ago I was going to wait another week and then just stop. Anybody have any ideas about that?

Everytime I have healthy ideas or plans they just fall apart because my addictions get in the way (mostly weed). It sucks so much and I just wish that I could eat healthy and get back on track and be in tune with life rather than just watching it pass me by.

I started dancing about 5 months ago and I do that a lot, at least a few hours a day. Thats help me stay grounded to a degree, but my weight fluctuates so frequently and my energy too, so that i cant give it all I have which depresses me.

I know I'm close. Ive been working towards getting free basically ever since I been addicted. Ive always made efforts to change and always gotten back on the horse. No not that horse!! I just need some help. Im so socially isolated. I havn't been dating for like almost 2 years. Im an attractive person, and charming and all that good stuff, but I just feel like a fucking pariah, so I don't really go out. Also I am extremely self councious about my weight even though I am really just chubby. I am 225 at 6ft. Still, I guess I must be super brainwashed cuz I think everyone is going to think Im this fat loser.

I really hate how everything is this society is designed to inflame your senses and trigger your cravings like that was a fukcing good thing. I want free of this alienating society (Toronto Canada) and go somewhere where people actually connect with other people. What if you don't have a family? what if your different. Then your forgotten apparently.

I have a few good friends, but they r so super busy all the time so its mostly just me in my tiny little room chain smoking cigs n weed til I get confused and can barely wash a dish. Ive had a lot of trauma and thats all playing a part to, but the thing is I feel like there is hope for me and I dont crave opiates anymore, I just want to be free and healthy!! I want out!! Now how the heck am I going to do that with all the mental health problems and addictions?

Thank you so much for hearing me out!

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Moving to the dark side.

 

[Tinker55]

I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. Have you tried local NA or other 12 steps programs? I know a lot of people don't care for the spiritual aspect, but it can help you in terms of finding a sober community.

Also, put down the weed. Self-medicating to the point of stupor isn't helping you get out and get active.

 

[MethadoneMegan777]

Wow... Not to belittle your problems or make them seem insignificant but You could jump off of methadone right now and besides some slight discomfort, i'm thinking you would be fine. 1 milligram? I'm on 160 mils daily and I know many people who are on alot more than that. If I was on 1 milligram my ass would jump off of this runaway train and never look back. At that point, I'm inclined to believe that a lot of its all in your head and this is way more of a mental obstacle than a physical one. I have to drive a hundred miles a day for my dose. and I do it. Every single day and I have to or else I get so sick I cant function. You are so close, friend! Addiction is a bitch but you about have this opiate thing kicked. Personally, Ive never considered weed a real drug. Its an herb. We should be able to use it as needed without hassle if that's our personal choice. There are many places down here in the us where you can get a doctors card and buy it from dispensaries. Its also used for cancer patients and seizure patients. Its mind over matter, babe. If you just believe in yourself, you can do this. I promise! Maybe join a 12 step program for extra support? NA? Something where you have to talk and analyze your decisions and you can hear others stories. You can do this and you can leave it all behind and be healthy and happy, if that's your wish. You just have to take that first step because every journey starts with ONE single step. Best of luck to you, mate. Have a good day.

 

[herbavore]

OP, it sounds like you managed against all odds to beat your heroin use but still are held captive by what led to it in the first place. Sounds like you have either abuse in your past or trauma. I would suggest reading Gabor Mate's book, The Hungry Ghost about addiction and the relationship to trauma. You need a place of healing. Whether that will come through therapy, a spiritual practice, a support group or some combination of all of the above, it is essential that you delve even deeper into whatever is causing you emotional and spiritual suffering. Moving from Toronto probably is not necessary. The world is full of shallowness and greed wherever you go--the trick is finding that it is also full of love and grace wherever you are.

 

[dognasher]

I wanted to say that I am also a recovering heroin addict and I understand how it feels like you've lost your "tribe" in early sobriety.

Heroin really does rob you of lots of life skills and they don't come back quickly! But at least you have the insight to recognize these things about yourself and hopefully with a few extra steps, and a little work, you can get closer to a happy place where you feel connected and a part of life again. It might not be what life looked like BEFORE you were an addict, but you can find a way!

I would try to find some group therapy meetings where you can meet people with similar backgrounds - I know that I felt very isolated in my addiction because nobody knew. I also joined a running club, picked up old hobbies, it depends on the person but little steps can go a long way towards digging yourself out of that pit.

Good luck, and congrats on being off dope for six months - that's huge! But Herbavore has a great point that perhaps you are just "dry knuckling" it right now and replacing heroin with other escape mechanisms. Herb always has awesome advice and she had some good things to say to you.

You can do it!

 

[d3athadone]

Hi this is the OP. Thank you for all your insight. herb you are absolutely right that I am now dealing with what led me to drugs in the first place. Its mostly because people taught me extremely stupid shit at a young age and also I have experienced pain early in life which caused me to look for an escape. I was smoking weed and stealing the odd drinks at 11 years old, and attending parties with adults and teenagers. I've read the hungry ghosts. Its a great book and I love Gabore Mate. I do want to leave Toronto, not because I think it will solve my drug problem, but because I want to go somewhere a bit more cultured. Southern Ontario really does suck if you ask me. Montreal Quebec is more european I was thinking of moving there. Maybe I have too much history in this city. A fresh start could do me good.

dognasher - Thanks bro. I do feel like I lost my tribe. Or rather, like I havnt had a new tribe in too long. Growing up, I would ust hop from group to group meeting new people for my whole life. Then I did drugs and was a bit of a loner on h for a while, but even then I was chilling with people just to get some social energy, and I had higher self esteem, because I didn't feel so shameful like I do now. The other thing that is weird for me in sobriety is that everything is unsafe for me. I don't have normal places I go to like works gyms classes shit liek that. I know thats the problem. Im just so frazzled lately that I'm not being functional during the day. Ive never had a routine. Maybe when I lived with my gps when I was young for a bit. So I just dont really know how to do a lot of this shit.

Megan - Thank you for your support. I was wondering why you are on such a high dose of methadone? My highest dose was 90mg, and I was just sleeping all day for maybe a year. I tapered really slowly over a few years. Its not too bad if you take it slow

 

[RDP89]

I would cut back on the weed until you can cut it out completely. And definitely find a support group. I think that would help you alot. If you can try to get up and do something in the morning instead of just start smoking. I know it seems hard, but it will get easier. You should be very proud of yourself staying off the H!! That is no easy feat, give yourself some credit!! I think getting some positive,supporting people in your life would work wonders for you. Also, therapy is a great idea imo.