sorry if double posting is innapropriate. just want to get it all out there at once before i lose my nerve/come down and it wouldn't all fit in one entry.
this is a continuation of the next blog entry down.
so i'm at the greyhound station, dirty and tired. a snowstorm delayed the bus. here i meet V. a dealer from arizona, with three grams of high high high quality meth and no needles. she doesn't know they sell them across the street at kmart. i do though. she gives me the biggest shot of my life, then we spend the next four or five hours trying to hit her. i'm twacked out, squatting, watching her closely. it turns out she's a classy junkie and doesn't shoot in front of people and was distracted. anyways. we sit there and talk and i keep trying to talk myself in to asking her for sex (i get scared though) and she gives me this philosophy about the "right people" and doing dope "the right way". i convince her to miss her bus. we do shots for about two more days. she leaves. i go insane. i had never been so high, and i was full of regret for not trying to have sex with her. in fact, to this day i can masturbate to the thought of us just siting there, eyes fixated on the needle. she left. my brain goes to hell. i miss my hand. i see her blood all over the truck stop/bus station. i call her from the payphone. finally my bus. i start talking to a man. we get to talking and he grows mushrooms in colorado and he has 800 dollars worth of mushrooms and he doesn't wanna take them on the bus. so he gives me a bag of psilocybin dust and planters peanuts and i eat until i come up and paranoia sets in. the girl and her blood. the man is trying to take advantage of me. i dispose of all paraphenalia. it's time to start over. but my hand!!! what if it falls off! should i miss the bus and go to the hospital? i run around the bus station/truck stop crying and laughing finally board. this is the most beautiful experience of my life. from new mexico to el paso. i solve all of life's mysteries. i realize that even if i were to lose my hand it would be ok. i get a preview of god. the bus stops at el paso. i'm lost. i get off and start running.smoke a cigarette. it's cold outside. i don't know how long i have to wait. i'm experiencing a psychedelic explosion. i go inside and hide in the bathroom. i'm dirty. i stink. i've been wearing the same clothes since i got out of jail. running around, sweating, sleeping in the desert. i'm ashamed. i remember erowid and bluelight and past experience and resolve not to let this turn in to a bad trip. i build up courage, and walk in to the terminal, find a spot away from everyone and sit. i look insane. my eyes are wide. i look mean. like a hurt hungry dog. my vibe says stay away i'm dangerous. bus station cop approaches me. asks for my ticket. i have a small bag and plastic bag. i empty everything searching frantically, crying. everyone stares. i'm gonna get kicked out for loitering. i find my ticket, and everything is great. i stare at the ceiling, laughing like a madman, tripping harder than i've ever tripped before (with one exception) i see people of all walks of life walking around. families of various ethnicities. the poor. the rich. the world is suddenly opened up before me. life is suddenly mine for the taking. i can do whatever i want the possibilities are endless. i'm starting from the bottom dirty and smelly and poor and i laugh harder and look more deranged and the floor is moving in beautiful patterns and the people all the people go about their business and finally i come down. i wake up in the morning. get on the bus. and a new chapter begins.
the first few months are positive. i work at dairy queen in a small town in texas right off the interstate with my wealthy grandparents
i have a beautiful girlfriend who is totally devoted. but i mess things up. and it's too painful to recall. i can't get needles out of my head. i tour texas, fuck my life up, go on some great adventures, take some great drugs, and i am now sitting here. high on meth. that rehab girl from the beginning. she's back in rehab. i live with my mom. she's sober and i can't do drugs around her or let her know i'm on drugs. i really need to quit drugs. maybe go back to the new mexico desert and see what old girl is doing?
i have a job, i want to make my mom happy, my heart hurts really bad right now (physically) and horny as shit and i'm recounting this just incase i die. i mean that's not really the reason, but it sounds dramatic n stuff right? nah, i just want someone to hear my story even if it is in the form of an ugly gramatically incorrect fucked sentence structure meth rant.
this is a continuation of the next blog entry down.
so i'm at the greyhound station, dirty and tired. a snowstorm delayed the bus. here i meet V. a dealer from arizona, with three grams of high high high quality meth and no needles. she doesn't know they sell them across the street at kmart. i do though. she gives me the biggest shot of my life, then we spend the next four or five hours trying to hit her. i'm twacked out, squatting, watching her closely. it turns out she's a classy junkie and doesn't shoot in front of people and was distracted. anyways. we sit there and talk and i keep trying to talk myself in to asking her for sex (i get scared though) and she gives me this philosophy about the "right people" and doing dope "the right way". i convince her to miss her bus. we do shots for about two more days. she leaves. i go insane. i had never been so high, and i was full of regret for not trying to have sex with her. in fact, to this day i can masturbate to the thought of us just siting there, eyes fixated on the needle. she left. my brain goes to hell. i miss my hand. i see her blood all over the truck stop/bus station. i call her from the payphone. finally my bus. i start talking to a man. we get to talking and he grows mushrooms in colorado and he has 800 dollars worth of mushrooms and he doesn't wanna take them on the bus. so he gives me a bag of psilocybin dust and planters peanuts and i eat until i come up and paranoia sets in. the girl and her blood. the man is trying to take advantage of me. i dispose of all paraphenalia. it's time to start over. but my hand!!! what if it falls off! should i miss the bus and go to the hospital? i run around the bus station/truck stop crying and laughing finally board. this is the most beautiful experience of my life. from new mexico to el paso. i solve all of life's mysteries. i realize that even if i were to lose my hand it would be ok. i get a preview of god. the bus stops at el paso. i'm lost. i get off and start running.smoke a cigarette. it's cold outside. i don't know how long i have to wait. i'm experiencing a psychedelic explosion. i go inside and hide in the bathroom. i'm dirty. i stink. i've been wearing the same clothes since i got out of jail. running around, sweating, sleeping in the desert. i'm ashamed. i remember erowid and bluelight and past experience and resolve not to let this turn in to a bad trip. i build up courage, and walk in to the terminal, find a spot away from everyone and sit. i look insane. my eyes are wide. i look mean. like a hurt hungry dog. my vibe says stay away i'm dangerous. bus station cop approaches me. asks for my ticket. i have a small bag and plastic bag. i empty everything searching frantically, crying. everyone stares. i'm gonna get kicked out for loitering. i find my ticket, and everything is great. i stare at the ceiling, laughing like a madman, tripping harder than i've ever tripped before (with one exception) i see people of all walks of life walking around. families of various ethnicities. the poor. the rich. the world is suddenly opened up before me. life is suddenly mine for the taking. i can do whatever i want the possibilities are endless. i'm starting from the bottom dirty and smelly and poor and i laugh harder and look more deranged and the floor is moving in beautiful patterns and the people all the people go about their business and finally i come down. i wake up in the morning. get on the bus. and a new chapter begins.
the first few months are positive. i work at dairy queen in a small town in texas right off the interstate with my wealthy grandparents
i have a beautiful girlfriend who is totally devoted. but i mess things up. and it's too painful to recall. i can't get needles out of my head. i tour texas, fuck my life up, go on some great adventures, take some great drugs, and i am now sitting here. high on meth. that rehab girl from the beginning. she's back in rehab. i live with my mom. she's sober and i can't do drugs around her or let her know i'm on drugs. i really need to quit drugs. maybe go back to the new mexico desert and see what old girl is doing?
i have a job, i want to make my mom happy, my heart hurts really bad right now (physically) and horny as shit and i'm recounting this just incase i die. i mean that's not really the reason, but it sounds dramatic n stuff right? nah, i just want someone to hear my story even if it is in the form of an ugly gramatically incorrect fucked sentence structure meth rant.
